Hi -

With a milk allergy in the house, etiquette has been an issue for
us, too.  Miss Manners says that you just eat smoething in advance
and don't bother your hosts with the allergy, but that doesn't really
cut it for us in many situations.  Here's what we do:

At large commercial events, such as benefits, or when we are going to
a restaurant, we phone up the party being paid (the restaurant or the
benefit sponsor) and say "One of our party has a milk allergy.  He cannot
even eat vegetables sauteed in butter.  Can you accomodate us?"

At dinner parties, what we say/do depends upon how well we know our hosts
and how many other people are being invited.  If it's a larger event with
hosts whom we don't know well, we say nothing and eat enough in advance
to get us through even if everything there is unsafe to eat.  At a smaller
event -- an intimate event -- we will ALWAYS say something like "I hope
you don't mind my mentioning, but I'm allergic to all dairy products.
Please don't plan your menu around me, but I'd be grateful if you'd let
me contribute something to the meal."  Usually the discussion continues
from there, and most hosts will make sure that there's something we can
eat on the table.  We do this so as not to embarrass hosts who are trying
to provide us with a pleasant evening.  With old friends, regardless of
the size of the event, we simply ask what the menu will be and offer
to bring something.

And at private homes, we ALWAYS bring a house gift and usually remember
to send a note of thanks afterwards.  Of course, those have nothing to
do with a milk allergy!

The only way you can tell if you're doing the right thing, of course, is
if you're invited back.

What do other people do?
--Beth Kevles
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  http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic