Hellin


i sit here now, literally with tears in my eyes reading your post.


hellin.... I... i don't...  I don't know what to say...  I'm choken up...
You know what?  I have never! in my life seen anyone! on this list who has
taken up for me as you did.  I want to say thank you, however, I don't feel
that even saying that is adiquit.  Hellin, your mail to Paul, has touched me
so deeply...  I don't say that outta sarcasm either.  I never knew or would
of expected that I had a sister in Christ, who loved me so much to take such
a blunt sance.  I somewhat feel I should be saying all this to you off list,
however, I feel that God's really leading me to thank you publicly.  i must
say that by you saying what you did has honestly made my day.  i do not hold
any anamosity toward Paul, nor anyone on this list.  In some respects, paul
was correct in what he said, in that, yes, I realize that you all are not
trained councelors, and thus, cannot do but so much...  However now that I
know that he origionally had a large part to play of me being banned a while
back, (I mean he openly admitted it, or so it seemed)  i feel somewhat as
if, his comments yes, hellin, as you stated were extremely unjustified.
Granted, I do give him the hand of forgiveness.  not because it's
necessarily my duty, as much as it is through the grace of God, that I sit
here typing to you all right this minute.  Do you realize folks, that if it
were not for that, I long would be dead now?  No!  I kid you not!  That is
faaaaar! from an exageration.  you see:  When I was in the eighth grade at
middle school, I was sent to the school for the blind in my state.  BTW:  I
know some people get offended by the word quote:  blind:  and prefer
visually impaired:  me being one of them...  So please I ask:  don't think
that I am calling any of you blind.  That isn't my ententions in the
greatest of least.  Anyway, back to my point:  I had a bad tempor problem,
and still do, as many of you all have seen.  I'm openly willing to take the
blame for that and I'm also willing to responsibly and honestly, yet openly
publicly admit it.  i'm not perfect.  Heck, none of us are!  Smile.  It was
because of this tempor, that my mother indicated one day to me during my
seventh grade year, that if i did not stop with the tempor issues, she was
gonna have to send me off somewhere, to quote unquote:  keep from beating
me.  Some of you may or may not have been physically abused as a child.  if
you wish to confide in me, you can, and it'll remain confidential, however,
I am not the type for forcing myself down anyone's throat.  That is just so
ungodly unfair to others.


Anyway, so I ended up going.  my parents now will not even admit to confess
they made that origional comment, even though I know darn well they did.  It
hurt, even to this day, my dignity so severely, that all through eighth
grade, I was very suicidal.  i was even hospitalized in a children's psych
ward for approximately 2 weeks or so...  i didn't really receive the
sufficient help then I needed, not because they didn't know how to treat me,
as much as I was so sick, that i was very unwilling to cooperate with
anyone, and open up.  I mean think about it...  It's like you telling me, I
have something medically wrong with me, but I'm not gonna admit to you that
i think I may be internally bleedingt, or himmeraging.  See what I mean?
OK, what's the point in me saying this when it's irrelavent to hellin's
post.  Well, yeah, I agree, it has nothing really to do with it.  The reason
that I am telling you all this now, and didn't in the past, was because I
couldn't come to term with myself, or it, or even you all, to admit it.
Yes, Paul's right.  I need far more help than any of you all on here could
give me, on or, off list, and i'm looking into now, getting some residential
treatment long term, thanks to some extremely kind and extremely patient
members on this list who have stayed up literally speaking night after night
after night all through the night literally from about midnight till 6 A.M.
You know who I'm refering to, that is, the one who has done this...  I'm not
gonna quote your name, I promise, so don't worry about that...  what you and
I discuss is totally confidential, however, you yourself know who you are,
and to that individual who last night convinced me finally! to get
treatment, thank you.  I mean from the bottom of my heart when I say this:
i humbly wish so badly that there were more people in this world like you.
I obviously don't mean this inappropriately but, you are so precious to
me...  I really mean it...  If it weren't for you, and the love and grace of
God, both put together, especially the love of God, I don't know what I'd
do.  Don't ever lose that shine, don't ever lose your kind heart, and know
that if no one else on this earth ever said one kind word to you:  I as a
brother in Christ would still love you from the pit bottomn of my heart.  i
would like to ask Vickey, if she hasn't already done this, that you please
take my permission if it's all right with you, and others of corse, to
please let Paul remain on the list.  and a corse, should he choose.  I
honestly think what he said was totally out of anger, and frustration.
There was no excuse in him taking this out on you all, instead of just me,
however, we cannot dwell on the past.  God forgets past sin.  once forgiven,
as I have to Paul, it's gone, it's over, it's forgotten and done with.  His
harsh mail to me now is literally as far as east is from west.  Nor do I
find it necessary for him to apologize specificly to me by name.  No, I
certainly don't think he meant completely well with the way he worded
things, however, I do feel that Satan probably got ahold of him last night,
and he probably was so angry that he didn't think.  Same as I often do on
here.  i think we need to be very patient with him, as i think our brother
may be going through some rough areas.  I don't know this, as he's not
confided in me, and again, I'm hnot going to force him to...  however, if he
does, it will not be presented on the list, it would be in strict
confidence.  I am a very firm believer too, of confidentiality.  Unless a
person tells me that they're either gonna hurt themselves or someone else, I
won't say anything.  That would be the only two exceptions.  The point
firstly is, Hellin, I really appreciate what you said, and I do mean it.
I'm not excusing Paul's mail by any regard, and I wanna make sure I'm making
myself very perfectly clear when I say this.  I think the point he was
trying to make was valid, however, the way he worded it was totally
unacceptable behavior on or off list.  I have had some time this morhning to
pray not only for this issue, but even more so, for Paul directly by name.
I will continue doing so...  And I will also continue praying for each other
of you all...  We have something beautiful here!  Christ's love.  Let's all
come together unitedly as one in the body and blood of our precious and dear
savior jesus Christ, and let's pronounce to clame God King of Kings and Lord
of lords.  Amen, and Amen!



Chris.