The Delicate Balance Of Emotional Pain


                         By Phil Scovell



     After losing my sight due to detached retinas in 1964, I
immediately enrolled at the Nebraska school for the blind.  It
wasn't called that because even back then, nobody wanted to use
the word "blind."  I am not visually impaired, sightless, visually
handicapped, visually challenged, or anything other than blind.
So it doesn't bother me if you use the word.  Anyhow, back at the
old school for the blind in Nebraska, we, frankly, had a lot of
fun.  You wouldn't think that blind kids could have fun but we did
have loads of it.  It's sort of like the bumble bee.
Aerodynamically science says he can't fly but the bumble bee
doesn't read scientific journals so he keeps right on flying
regardless of what people say about him.  Truthfully, most of the
time we never remembered that we were blind until we ran into a
wall or an opened door or each other or tried stepping up one
more step than there was in the stairway.  That will jar the
fillings right out of your teeth if you aren't careful.

     One of my favorite memories, although I could write a book on
them, was using the teeter totter.  Some people insist upon
calling it a seesaw but I don't mind.  So one day, I am on one end
of the teeter totter and my best friend, Lynn, was on the other
end.  Since Lynn was about fifty pounds heavier than I was, I was
always in the air and Lynn was always on the ground poking fun at
me.  I would really work at trying to get him off the ground, too,
but rarely could.  Once in a blue moon, Lynn would straighten his
legs and given a mighty shove and I would go sailing to the
ground.  Even reaching over and holding on to the grass I couldn't
keep him in the air.  He would laugh, call me names, and force me
to sit in the air half the time as he continually poked fun at me.

     One day another student walked by and asked what we were
doing.  I yelled for this kid to come over and help me because
Lynn was beating me at the game by his overwhelming weight.  The
other kid, I forget who he was now, came over and jumped on my end
of the seesaw.  Lynn went shooting up into the air.  He bounced up
and down and did everything in his power to gain the advantage
once again but unknown to Lynn, my friend and I were grabbing fist
fulls of grass and leaning backward as far as we could lean to
give us the extra leverage needed to keep Lynn from overpowering
our unbalanced hold on victory.

     Moments later, another student happened to walk by and asked
what in the Sam Hill we were all yelling about.  I begged for the
kid to jump on our side but Lynn promised everything in the world
if he'd join his side so he did.  Up in the air we went and we
found ourselves helpless to do a thing.

     Soon, another student came by and asked what was happening.
I quickly enlisted his assistance.  Climbing on to our side of the
teeter totter, up went Lynn and the other student and three of us
were able to once again keep him in the air.

     Well, by now, you guessed the rest.  Student after student
passed by and we enlisted every one of them until we had four kids
on one side of the teeter totter and five on my side.  It was a
battle of just ounces now and not pounds.  The only way my side
kept the other boys high in the air was by holding on to the
grass.  Once and awhile, the grass would tear loose and we would
slowly begin to rise.  The balance between the two sides was that
delicate.  It was a miracle, with all of that weight on either
side, we didn't permanently bend the teeter totter into a pretzel.

     Years later this playful event reminded me of how many of us,
as Christians, live our lives.  I was taught that spiritual
Christians never talked about things that still bothered them.
Like guilt, for example.  If you did, it meant a flaw in your
Christian character.  Another way of saying that would have been,
you are less spiritual than others.

     You committed this horrible sin once and maybe you were a
Christian at the time and maybe you weren't.  Regardless, you
confessed the sin, oh, at least twenty thousand times in your life
but the guilt keeps coming back.  Sometimes it stayed away for two
or three years but you were much younger then.  Now that you are
aging, it generally pops up more frequently.  Of course, each time
the delicate balance is off set, you confess it again but oddly
enough, confessing your sin to the Lord has somehow lost its
effectiveness the older you have gotten or perhaps it is due to
the number of personal confessions.  Why?  Oh, I don't know.
Maybe it is because you are now 50 or 60 years old and God's Word
doesn't work quite as well as it did when you were twenty or 25
years old.  Maybe its because you really don't mean it now like
you did when you were younger.  After all, back then you had your
whole life out there in front of you and you wanted to live for
God with all your heart.  In fact, you even wanted to be a
missionary and go to Africa.  Now, most of your life is behind you
so maybe that's why it seems harder.  Maybe God is just sick of
hearing you so He leaves the guilt as punishment.

     Perhaps the real truth is, you were never really sorry for
what you did in the first place or maybe the cross of Christ,
especially if what you did was before you got saved, just didn't
happen to cover that particular sin.  Regardless of the reason,
the pain of that guilt is getting mighty heavy.  Frankly, you're
sick of it but you don't know what to do.

     If, of course, your Christian friends knew about it, you'd
be without friends in seconds.  It also isn't something you can
stand up in church and give a testimony about either because
you've heard thousands of testimonies in church and there's never
been one like what you did.  So what do you do about it now?

     Once upon a time, you thought confessing to a friend would
help so you did, in complete confidence of course, but your friend
wasn't very understanding.  You eventually ended up having to
change churches, too, because for some strange reason, people
started ignoring you at church.  This made you wonder why and now
you had a little of paranoia floating around and bumping into the
delicate balance of painful guilt.

     changing churches, of course, helped a lot.  It was a bigger
church, with way more people, and you didn't know anybody by name.
The guilt is still there, especially when you check on it, but at
least now nobody in the church, but you, knows about it.

     This new church is a little more faith based it appears.
They teach, if you are spiritually weak in a given area, find
verses in the bible which say what God says.  Then, making a list,
begin confessing them over and over again.  You soon discover,
since you have never done this before, that it works well for you.
So, whenever you feel the pain of guilt surfacing, you quickly
quote a number of verses which make you feel better and the guilt
is once again suppressed.

     As time passes, somehow you start getting the feeling that
you are doing all the work.  After all, if God's Word says you are
forgiven when you confessed your sin, why do you have to
continually keep it submerged by confessing His promise to you
over and over again?  Odd, you think.  We don't do this concerning
salvation, that is, we don't get saved over and over again by
confessing verses on salvation.  So if it works for salvation, why
isn't it working for the guilt you feel?

     One day you make the mistake of asking this question of one
of the assistant pastors.  His answer sounded good but frankly,
you got lost in his theological explanation and were too
embarrassed to ask him to explain it all over again.

     This was the way I lived my Christian life until 2002 when
the Lord showed me the truth.  The problem is what we believe.
Actually, it is more exact than that.  It is whom we believe.  Let
me explain it this way.

     There is only one truth and that is spoken by God.  What you
say, or your brother says, or your pastor says, or your Christian
therapist says, or the devil says, and not necessarily in that
order, is not intrinsic spiritual truth.  For example, I heard an
idiot preacher say one day, God was so sovereign, He could look
down upon earth some morning and say, "Well, what do you see down
there?  Look at that mess.  I think I'll change my mind about
salvation and start all over."  With the snap of his cosmic
fingers, everything disappears."  The sovereignty of God doesn't
mean God can do anything He wants to do because that is a
theological given.  The sovereignty of God means, He, God, The
Creator of all things by the spoken word of His mouth, will keep
and live by his own Word no matter what you do or say or think.
So, in doctrinal essence, absolute truth is God breathed.

     In the case of the fictitious person I am writing about, and
this, of course, we know has never happened to anybody we know,
their guilt kept returning.  they confessed it over and over again
to the Lord as sin and even promised never to do it again and they
haven't ever done it again.  the guilt of that one sinful act
keeps returning and resurfacing and it is getting heavier and
heavier.  Why?  the answer is actually amazingly simple.  We are
believing a lie.  That's right; a lie.  Here's how it works.

     Let's say you were 18 years old at the time.  during your
freshman year of college, you decided you wanted to try the wild
life.  Maybe Christianity was the only way but you sure were
getting lots of other ideas in classes from professors that were a
lot smarter than anybody you personally knew.  Besides, you'd
never been drunk, never smoked a cigarette, or never gone to bed
with anybody in your life.  Today protection was common place,
too.  They nearly pass the stuff out in class.  What could it hurt
to smoke a little dope?  The girls talking about nothing but the
guys they went to bed with jump started you hormones and your
desire was off the scale.  Oh, and the parties.  Man, the parties.
You wanted to meet people and be a part of them and what they did
and said and how they lived and had fun.

     At your first party, you smoke a little hash, snort some
powder up your nose that somebody laughingly called cool aid, and
you drink so much booze, nothing can be remembered about the whole
thing when you awaken the next day.  Your head hurts so badly,
however, you really don't care what happened.

     Days later, you aren't feeling well some days but with all
the new parties you've been attending, you figure it's just
because you aren't getting much rest.  The sex is fantastic and
you can't believe you waited this long to have that much pleasure
in your life.  Of course, you make sure all the guys are wearing
protection so it's all cool.

     A month passes and the sickness you feel is causing you to up
chuck sometimes in the morning.  You mood seems to have changed
somehow over all.  Finally you stop going to parties for a couple
of weeks to get your strength back.  Still, getting more rest
doesn't make you feel a whole lot better.  So you go to the
infirmary.

     You are very uncomfortable answering all the questions you
are asked but the woman asking the questions isn't hostel or
condemnatory in any way.  It is when she suggests you get a
pregnancy test that your mouth literally drops open.  Leaving the
infirmary, tears come to your eyes.  You know that can't be it.
No, not in a million years; it just can't be.  It isn't long
before you cannot stand not knowing and you go for the suggested
test.  It is positive.

     Finally, in desperation, you spill your guts to one of your
friends.  she takes you to one of her friends and more
conversation ensues.  Returning to your room that night, you lay
on your back in the dark knowing what you have to do.  The next
weekend, the abortion is performed and it is over.

     You've returned home because your grades have been dropping.
It is time to get a job and live at home for awhile.  Your folks
insist that you still attend church with them and the youth group
functions and meetings and you do.  Besides, they are all your
friends anyhow.

     One night, following a service, the guilt, although you have
confessed your sin over and over again, is so big, you can hardly
walk but you can't go forward.  You wait until you get home.  The
next day, while your father is at work, you tell your mom and you
both cry and hold each other.  Your mom prays with you and more
tears are shed.  That night, you both tell your father.  All three
of you cry now and hold each other but God is put first and your
sin is forgiven.

     Two years later, you marry a 26 year old young man in the
church who is running his own gas station.  You tell him when you
are dating what you did but he accepts you for who you are.  You
have a wonderful life together and raise four beautiful children.

     When your first daughter goes off to college, the guilt
surfaces and stays on top and just won't go away.  You confess it
again and again and again.  You talk with the pastor and the
pastor's wife.  You go to a Christian therapist.  Nothing changes.
The pain of the guilt is so huge by this point, suicide sounds
almost good to you.  What about your children?  You can't take
your own life.  they need you and your husband loves you but the
guilt just won't leave and you just can't live with it any longer.

     the voices, when they begin, tell you that you are a murderer
and you don't deserve to live.  they, furthermore, tell you that
God doesn't forgive the unpardonable sin.  They tell you that you
feel the guilt because God cannot forgive you.  Even the
medications the doctor has given you aren't working and you feel
tortured.

     At this point, let me suggest that this woman is believing a
lie.  How do I know this?  Because she feels the guilt so it must
be true and so God hasn't forgiven her.  She knows the Bible says
otherwise, that she is forgiven, and that her sin is cast into the
depths of the sea and as far as the east is from the west.  Yet,
the guilt just will not leave.

     If God says one thing and we begin to believe something else,
what is the source of that something else?  No, it isn't you.  You
are born again and your spirit has the Holy Spirit dwelling within
it.  The Holy Spirit cannot believe a lie; He can only believe the
truth of God's Word because the Holy Spirit, you see, is God.
This means, that your newly recreated human spirit is in perfect
oneness of the Holy Spirit.  Thus, if the Holy Spirit cannot
believe a lie, your human spirit can't either.  So, now, I ask you
the question again.  What is the source of the guilt?  the answer
is, a lie.  What is the lie?  You are still guilty even though
God's Word says just the opposite.  So why do we believe the lie
instead of God's truth?  It is because the Enemy has gained a
foothold in our life.  He did this through the very first time we
felt the false guilt he put upon our feelings and we went back to
God and prayed, pouring out our heart, repenting all over again,
and begging God's forgiveness.  The problem is, God had already
forgiven.  Now we have given place to the devil by doubting God's
Word to us as forgiven and cleansed from all unrighteousness.

     the way to freedom is to find the lie, see it for what it is,
and then let God's Word speak His truth to you.  No, you likely
won't be able to do this on your own the first time so find
someone who knows how it is done.  That person will pray with you,
the lie will be exposed, and you will hear the truth of God's Word
and the foothold, which, over the years, has become a stronghold,
will instantly be gone and so will the guilt.

     there is a delicate spiritual balance between believing the
truth of God and believing a lie from the Enemy.  Once you
experience and hear the truth for yourself, however, the victory
becomes effortless and the pain vanishes and you will no longer be
enslaved to performance base Christianity again.

     If you need help, call me.
Phone:  303-507-5175
Denver, Colorado
Mountain Time Zone

I Flew Kites With Jesus
www.SafePlaceFellowship.com