The Real Meaning of Discipline

When you understand what's behind your child's actions you can help him
channel his behavior in desirable directions.


During baby's eighteen-month checkup mothers often ask, "Should I begin
disciplining my baby now?" What these mothers don't realize is that
everything they have been doing with their baby is discipline. We believe
that discipline begins at birth and evolves with each interaction you have
with your baby, from the first cry to the first "no," and that discipline
has different meanings at different stages.

Stage One: Mutual Learning
Discipline begins as a relationship, not a list of methods. The first stage
of discipline - the attachment stage - begins at birth and develops as you
and your baby grow together. The big three of attachment parenting
(breastfeeding, wearing baby in a sling, and responding to baby's cues) are
actually your first disciplinary actions. A baby who is on the receiving end
of attachment parenting feels right, and a person who feels right is more
likely to act right. An attachment-parented baby is more receptive to
authority because he operates from a foundation of trust. This baby spends
the early months of his life learning that the world is a responsive and
trusting place to be.

Parents who practice this style of parenting develop an inner sense of their
baby's preferences and capabilities at each stage of development. They
refine their ability to get behind the eyes and into the mind of their baby
and understand the reasons for their infant's behavior. Connected parents
and infants grow naturally into a disciplined relationship. As the
relationship matures, attachment parents are better able to convey what
behavior they expect of their child and the child is better able to
understand these expectations. The parents are able to give better
discipline and the baby is better able to receive it. With each interaction,
parents become more confident in their own methods, not someone else's
borrowed out of desperation from a book or "expert" adviser. By being open
and responsive to their baby, parents do not let themselves become locked
into a set of methods, instead realizing that discipline must evolve and
adjust to changing family circumstances and the child's developmental
stages.

This first stage of discipline is one of nurturing in which parents and
infant have an interdependence - a mutual shaping of each other's behavior
that helps them to know and trust one another. On this foundation both the
connected parent and the connected infant can more comfortably graduate to
the next stage of discipline - setting limits.

Stage Two: Setting Limits
In our family we believe in consistent boundaries, not only for the
discipline of the children, but for the sanity of the parents. At this
stage, discipline is the skill of conveying to your child what behavior you
expect, the benefits of desirable behavior, what behavior you will not
tolerate, and the consequences of misbehavior. It also involves having the
wisdom to consistently carry this out. Discipline is not something you do to
a baby, it is working with a baby; the deeper your nurturing during the
attachment phase of discipline, the firmer you can afford to be in setting
limits.

Appreciate normal toddler development. By understanding infant development
in general, and your baby's in particular, you will not expect too much or
too little of your baby. Being around more experienced mothers and their
babies also helps. (By the time your child is four years old, you will have
the equivalent of a college degree in your child's discipline.) Babies need
boundaries that take into account their capabilities at each stage of
development. A twelve-month-old will need and expect different boundaries
than a two-year-old. Around nine months baby starts showing she has an
opinion, and it doesn't always agree with yours. Remember, a strong will is
a sign of health. Baby needs a strong will to achieve all of the milestones
of the following months and years. If she had no will, how would she ever be
able to take all of the tumbles and spills and get right back up to try
again?

Develop the wisdom to say no. As your toddler progresses from a lap baby to
a house explorer, your role broadens to include that of boundary setter.
When babies have clear boundaries they can proceed with growth and
development instead of wasting energy dealing with uncertainty. As parents
we are to be in charge of our children, but not to the extent that we
control them like puppets. Rather than being threatened by the independence
of the toddler stage, a wise parent will find ways to channel the child's
behavior.

Convey who's in charge. Be consistent in your discipline, and remember that
lasting discipline requires persistent effort. Your child is about to handle
a forbidden object. Rather than shouting from your easy chair, go to him,
take him by the hand, look him squarely in the eye, demand his attention,
and show the young adventurer why this behavior is not permitted. Sound firm
and offer an alternative. Try to remember the golden rule of discipline and
treat your child the way you would like to be treated. Even a toddler in an
obstinate mood will find it hard to resist warmth and fun.

Stage Three: Remaining Flexible
Conversational dialogue is great for socialization, but wordiness can get in
the way of your toddler's processing exactly what behavior you expect of
him. Martha notes: While sitting with Stephen over my morning cup of coffee
as he finished his cereal, I realized he was interested in my cup. I very
chattingly explained over and over that he shouldn't touch, that it was
mama's cup, not Stephen's. Finally, as he was on the verge of tears because
I was restraining, it occurred to me that I had failed to use the one word
he understands best - "hot." When I finally communicated to him in glowing
tones "h-o-o-t-t," he repeated the word with respect and stopped his
single-minded efforts to scald himself.

Put balance into your discipline. Give your child enough slack so he can
safely test the waters. Give him a chance to mess up. If you routinely keep
the rope too tight, he'll never fully learn what he can do and he will never
fail. It is from his parent-supported failures that he will learn. Rather
than prohibiting a child from climbing, for example, make the environment a
safe one in which to climb.

Create a child-considered environment. One of your roles as disciplinarian
is to be on safety patrol, keeping one reach ahead of those lightning-fast
little hands. You may find it easier to simply raise everything movable up a
few feet for a few years, rather than constantly raising your voice to a
monotonous "No!" And reserve noes for the big things.

These insights are only starter tips. We advise you to do your own "study."
Consult with parents whose concepts of discipline you admire. Ask them to
suggest books on discipline (yes, books can be helpful to supplement your
knowledge, but don't let them replace your own experience). Becoming a wise
disciplinarian will make life easier for yourself and is a valuable
inheritance to leave your children.




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