Trisha,
I did not mean to imply that you need therapy, just wanted to be sure
that you understand the power of rescue fantasies and had at least
considered the possibility that such a fantasy might be influencing your
actions or emotions. I don't question that you are an upstanding citizen of
the community either, if I had any basis for thinking otherwise I would not
have suggested that you become a legitimate foster parent. I guess what
really got to me in your post was your hesitancy about contacting child
protective services, the implication being that this whole situation was
being dealt with outside official channels. For the sake of everyone
involved this must be handled with all the legal i's dotted and t's crossed.
This is especially true if the girl's mother is bipolar ; you don't want to
leave this girl in a situation where Mom can totally disrupt the child's
life all over again the next time she experiences a major mood swing. In
fact, you should consider that Mom's sudden decision to go to France and her
subsequent inability to handle her new circumstances may be only the
concrete consequences of another manic-depressive cycle playing itself out.
Good Luck
Susan
----- Original Message -----
From: "Trisha Cummings" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, April 19, 2002 7:52 AM
Subject: Re: Tossing this out to your for ideas
> Hi Susan,
>
> I gathered you missed I am in the process of filing for custody. I was
> looking for experiences from folks so I skip some of the mistakes
> inexperience gives one. She has health insurance. She is even going her
old
> therapist - up until Thanksgiving she lived here - then her mother took
off
> to France - It is the child's choice to live with us - she is Amber best
> friend - I don't require therapy - but thank you for your interest- it was
> refreshing after all the people who are so lavish with their praise on
what
> an admirable thing I am doing. She has been living in the neighborhood sin
ce
> 7th grade. Her father lost custody of her for neglect ( he is a drug
addict)
> and the mother is living illegally now in France ( she is bipolar) - I may
> be highly individualistic but I am sane and an amazingly upstanding
citizen
> - Vice-President of the Homeowners Assoc., Adjunct Pofessor at the local
> Community College, on the PTA, we even go to church and I pay my taxes!!!
I
> actaully have the child's best interests at heart and what she wants as
> goals - while we are working with several organizations - legal and
church -
> I am still need in advice in the form of been there done that. This is
> normal - I tossed it out here for ideas. We are also considering
emancaping
> her - I have had her for 1 week - and I believe we accomplished a lot.
The
> county is short is foster homes - (I guess they talked to their therapists
> about rescue fantasies) - so she would be left with me, more than likely (
> its been discussed). That process would also take time. We have discussed
> this with her therapist - who actaully gave us many of the numbers to
call.
> We are actaully going for the fastest process - of course law and speed
> aren't exactly speaking cousins. The legal system takes time. She has
> already missed most of tenth grade anyway by being in France - where her
> mother didn't put her school. So finishing up the year is really just for
> social stuff. We have already talked with her consuelor at the school
about
> what needs to be done for next year - so she can graduate on time. It is a
> real shame becasue she was going for an Advanced Placement Diploma and was
> planning to be a genetics researcher - to help people have healthier
babies.
> The most telling and perhaps - heart breaking thing - is the day she
arrived
> - she sat on my sofa and said - now she had hope for the future.
>
> As an aside I have in the past considered both being a foster parent or
> adopting a second child - Amber wasn't for this. She likes being an only
> child and not having to share me. So I shelved the idea.
>
> Brightest Blessings - Trisha
>
> > It seems to me that there are several things which you need to think
> > about and explore very carefully when trying to help this child.By
> > allowing
> > her to live with you without any legal paperwork establishing your
> > authority
> > to make decisions for or about her you are leaving yourself in a very
> > vulnerable position. For example, in your current circumstances, if she
> > were to become ill and require hospitalization or surgery you would be
> > unable to provide legal consent. As unpleasant as it may seem to you,
> > your
> > best options may be to work within the system. For example, 1, have you
> > explored the possibility of helping her secure emancipated minor status,
> > which would allow her to make legal decisions for herself despite her
> > youth.
> > 2, have you considered applying to become a legitimate foster parent
> > yourself (which doesn't guarantee that you would be allowed to keep her,
> > but
> > at least opens up the possibility) 3,if you cannot keep her, does she
have
> > any relatives living in Fairfax County with whom she might be able to
stay
> > (I know this isn't what either of you want , but it might be her best
> > option
> > is the goal is to provide her with a stable environment and the
> > opportunity
> > to return to school.) I could go on and on discussing various
> > possibilities
> > and problems but my advice can really be summed up in one sentence.
> > UNLESS
> > YOU WANT TO CREATE A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF DIFFICULTY FOR YOURSELF,
CONSULT
> > A
> > CUSTODY LAWYER IMMEDIATELY AT LEAST CONSULT A TRAINED MENTAL HEALTH
> > PROFESSIONAL ABOUT THE DANGERS OF RESCUE FANTASIES.
> > Susan
> > PS. With respect to your concerns that the information contained in your
> > post be kept confidential, you do realize that the C-Palsy archives are
> > open
> > to anyone who accesses the St. Johns list serve web site don't you? (At
> > least that's how I remember it being left the last time the issue came
> > up.)
> > ----- Original Message -----
> > From: "Trisha Cummings" <[log in to unmask]>
> > To: <[log in to unmask]>
> > Sent: Thursday, April 18, 2002 1:06 PM
> > Subject: Tossing this out to your for ideas
> >
> >
> > > Greetings All,
> > >
> > > I am frustrated to tears on this issue and could use some input -
if
> > > anyone has any ideas or experiences.
> > >
> > > The background
> > > \
> > > I am currently giving a home to an "abandoned"/"Runaway"
> > child.
> > > This is the story. This needs to be kept confidential. She is 15 now
and
> > > will be 16 in June. As of Wednesday 4/10 - I have her at my house -
she
> > has
> > > her own furnished room and bathroom.
> > >
> > > She was living with her mother and stepfather. Her mother
> > > decided to divorce the stepfather and move to France. She left around
> > > Thanksgiving - pulling the chil out of school and taking her with
her.
> > > They have lived in Paris - in one room for the last 4.5 months - the
> > child
> > > has been babysitting to keep them afloat - The mother doesn't have a
> > job.
> > > The child did not go to school while she was in France. Actually, the
> > child
> > > told me France has a 3 month visitors visa - so she there where
there
> > > illegally - The stepfather brought the child back to the States. The
> > mother
> > > refuses to come back. The stepfather doesn't however want the child
> > living
> > > with him. So she is living with us - we want her. It seems her mother
is
> > > willing to sign over custody to me As I understand it - the child
> > father
> > > has relinquished all rights to the child. It maybe as simple as the
> > mother
> > > signing a custody transfer form. I don't know - would need to talk to
a
> > > lawyer about this. I am trying to keep this quiet as I don't want
> > Fairfax
> > > County to come and put her in foster care.
> > >
> > > Additional History about Athe child - from the best of my
> > knowledge.
> > > The child's mother abandoned her at birth and was raised by her
father -
> > a
> > > drug addict - she lived in filth and squalor sharing the house with
wild
> > > animals and caring for herself. She called Child Protect Services
> > herself
> > to
> > > be taken away from him. She was placed with the grandmother - the
father
> > > threatened them and followed thru with the threats - at this point the
> > > mother got custody of her about 4 years ago and moved her up here.
> > >
> > > I would like to the child back in school - as she now missed the
10th
> > > grade and she was an honor roll student. I can't do this without
having
> > > custody.
> > >
> > > Here is where we are today!!!
> > >
> > > Fairfax County doesn't allow temporary guardianship - so I
must
> > > apply for custody of the child - in order to have custody - I need
> > written
> > > premission from her plus 3 garunteed copies of her custody papers (
> > mother
> > > is France so takes time to get papers back and forth). If her father
> > needs
> > > to be contacted then I need to place an ad in the paper and we need to
> > wait
> > > 72 days for him to answer. Then and only then can I have some
temporary
> > > custody papers for the child, and then at a future date we go to court
> > for
> > a
> > > custody hearing. By then school will be over for the year. Also even
> > after
> > I
> > > have custody of the child - Fairfax county will charge me 8,400 to put
> > her
> > > school - as I am not the mother even tho I will have custody - unless
I
> > can
> > > prove hardship - and her mother being in France is not considered a
> > hardship
> > > - and the has choice of living in France illegally with her mother and
> > not
> > > going to school - or living here with me and going to school - sounds
> > like
> > > hardship to me. In the mean time the the child can't go to school -
> > surely
> > > there must be someway to get her school.
> > >
> > > She wants to live with us and go back school and be with her friends.
> > >
> > > Ideas would be great - prayers, or good thoughts - would be really
> > nice
> > > also.
> > >
> > > Brightest Blessings - Trisha
> > >
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