Oh Kyle!!!

          Then I am raising a first rate disaster something along the lines
of the Titanic.  I do remember when I was umemployed and in Incest Survivor
Therpay - the therapist in an effort to force me to behave in a manner she
wanted - threatened to have Fairfax County take Amber away from me.
Needless to say I was in tears when I arrived back home, and Rick who was
living with us at the time - was furious and he said something really
interesting then - That she would not just be losing her mother - she would
be losing her best friend,too.  Another incident I remember is my mother
being reall indignant becasue Amber and I where giggling and be silly and my
Mother thought this stupid - I was the Mother I was not to be her friend. I
don't understand why I can't be both. Amber and for the most part make
decisions together - we discuss them, I have the final authority on the
decision. One of the things that always puzzles me is - why people who spend
18 years telling their child what to do - suddenly expect their 19 year to
act like an adult and be able to make decisions. The decision making process
is a learning from trial and error. I would be willing to bet you make
better decisions now than when you where 19. I taught Amber how to make
decisions - beginning when she was baby - we started small - I chose several
toys or dolls I thought appropriate and would then have her chose the one
she wanted. Later, she was allowed to chose one goody when we went shopping.
She learned young about bad choices - I would point out good or bad things
but she made the choice. When she was 7, she was invited to two birthday
parties and she didn't know which one to accept. She fianlly said - you
chose you are the adult, and I said you chose its your life. If you can't
make simple decisions now - that won't have really bad consquences - how
will ever make adult ones where there are serious consequences.  Now Amber
has to be more responsible also becasue there is no father in this house -
and Mom has to work two jobs. This means I need to trust her to be
resonsible and get up and go to school by herself - She has been doing this
since she was 10. Last year she missed the school bus twice and her auntie
Cin who lives down the street takes her then. I need to know she will behave
on her own. This means I have to have commuicated real values not just - I
won't do until she is gone so I won't get spanked - but I won't do it
becasue - Mom has requested I not do it or she understand why its not to be
done. Also the constant spectre that I rarely elude to is simply - I have
been fighting Cancer since she was a baby - I may never see her graduate
from high school, I may not see her get married, get her first job or have
her first child - But I can give her all the love I have to give while I am
here, I can give her the gift of wings with a safety net for now - I can
leave her equiped to handle life when I am gone. We can discuss things on
long walks or car trips to and from doctors. I am proud of her, and I never
forget that when we kiss goodbye for the morning - it maybe forever. Most
people live life like its forever - its not.  Most of the adults I know evny
my relationship with my daughter - they never got to know their parents or
be friends - the parents where busy being parents - Amber will have the
memory of both -  You know how when you are on vacation and that last day
you try to do everything and its not long enough - that's what life is like.
I read all the stuff - and think about and chose the things that make sense.
Yes, some of the stuff is way to permissive am I willing to believe it was
written by someone who was ruled. Its a backlash - look around at the adults
you know - they are the product of their parents - scarey isn't it.  Oh
well, Amber is pouting - I have been on the computer to long - End of Rant

                                            Brightest Blessings
                                                    Trisha


>Thinking about this parenting business...
>
>It occurs to me that pop psychology is encouraging us as parents to be less
>and less authoritative (I didn't say authoritarian), less disciplining
>(teaching), and to "buddy-up" more with our children.
>
>You know, my kids don't need me to be a pal or a buddy.  That's what other
>kids are for.  There's plenty of time for being "best friends" when they
are
>grown.  What they need is for me to be a dad--a role model, a teacher, a
>disciplinarian that, yes, "lays down the law".
>
>I'm not terribly concerned with how society treats my child--able bodied or
>not.  My concern is how my child treats society.  The responsibility for
>that lies totally on mine and my spouse's--if I'm married--shoulders.  It
is
>not the school's responsibility, it is not the government's responsibility,
>it's not the responsibility of some nebulous "village".  I am responsible
>for instilling respect, honesty, charitable love and virtue in this child.
>The child has the responsibility, over time, to learn and apply these
>principles--to develop an "other"-centerd perspective instead of a
>self-centered perspective.
>
>Does that mean I can't enjoy my kids, long to be with them when I'm at
work,
>have great fun?  Of course not!  It simply means that they understand that
>there is a hierarchy where I as the parent am the family's leader until
>there come such a time as they leave my care.  Anything outside of that
>design is a prescription for disaster.
>
>-Kyle