Jenn
I had to write to tell you that this is NORMAL, and has little to do with
your CP. Unfortunately, you will have to get used to this feeling (to some
extent). It is "mother guilt" and it is a pretty universal experience for
Moms from what I can gather, lol. Especially those who have to bring in
caregivers to help out or put their children in daycare. Which is most moms
these days. :-)
Having said that, I'll share my experience with this same issue FWIW. I had
to leave hospital 4 days after the boys were born (triplets born at 30 weeks;
3, 3, and 2lbs). Next to saying good-bye to Joey, absolutely the worst thing
I've ever had to do. In the NICU, the nurses and docs were in complete
control.We were just parent viiisitors it seemed... I was finally given
permission to hold Joey for the first time when he was 7 days old. I had to
wait almost another week before I held the other 2 boys for the first time.
It was as if they weren't even my children... It nearly broke my heart.
Robert came home at 6 weeks-old, Anthony after 7 1/2 weeks and Joseph after
over 4 months. But even then it wasn't over. Joey and Anthony had so many
complicated medical issues that we couldn't cope alone at home (both had
extensive brain damage, Ant was colicky 16 hrs a day, Joey had a host of
medical issues...). And we still had Bobby to care for as well. We had to
have caregivers come in 40 hours a week the first year and a half. These
women were a godsend but at the same time they tended to take over. I felt
like a stranger in my own home. All I wanted to do was love and care for my
babies and it was just not possible by myself. There were times when I hated
those women who would come in in the morning rested and chipper (and
showered, lol) and just take over with such seeming ease. It seemed to me
that the boys responded to them and would feed better for them and that I
must be some kind of failure as a mom because I couldn't do it all by myself.
It just wasn't true. I was just inexperienced, overwhelmed and
sleep-deprived.
Then I had to go back to work after 6 months. We had no choice financially.
My husband stayed home for the first 4 years. I found myself aching when he
would casually tell me of the milestones I was missing. I resented him being
at home for a long time too. Life just seemed to keep getting in the way of
my being with my children in the way that I wanted to be.
About this time, Joey had to go part-time to a special needs foster home
because we couldn't manage his medical stuff AND the other babies 24/7 and we
didn't qualify for overnight nursing care more than 2 nights a week (Joey
rarely slept more than 2 hours at a time, had seizures up to 35x a day,
needed oxygen and suctioning, was tube-fed, etc.). Although he was mainly
only at the foster home for overnight 5 nights a week and the occassional
respite weekend, I feared that his foster mother (who was wonderful, BTW)
would take my place with him somehow. Wrong again! Even though I only saw him
a few hours through the week and on weekends he KNEW me. Joey was cortically
blind and severely impaired cognitively. But he smiled more for me than for
anyone and recognized my scent and my voice . Even the tape I made for the
NICU would calm him like nothing else - just my voice... his mother's voice...
Despite being a part-time mom in many ways since the boys were born, and
despite handing them off to soooo many different people over the years
(babysitters, therapists, pre-school, and now school), you know what? At 5
years old my boys are happy and independant and confident. Like Deri said.
Most of the time they adapt beautifully to new people and new situations.
They love me absolutely and will almost always ask for me to kiss their
boo-boos or tuck them in and read bedtime stories. Of course they love their
dad too (and I stopped feeling resentful of his stay-at-home time with them
years ago, lol) but if they have a choice, it's Mommy they want! (And now I'd
like a night off, please!) ;-)
After a while you will figure out what works best for you and you will come
to terms with whatever you need to do to give your daughter the best possible
care. No one can do it all. And I'm glad you have help. Get as much rest as
you can and just love your baby. In the end that's all that will matter. YOU
are her MOMMY and no one else... No one can EVER take that place.
On a purely practical note do you have a sling or a snuggly so you can hold
her next to you securely? It might help for you and her to feel a bit more
secure.
BTW, lol, I have yet to talk to ANYONE who actually was fully prepared for
parenthood. :-)
Hope this helps. {{{hugs}}}
Yvonne
Mommy to 5 year-old triplets: Anthony (CP) and Robert
and our angel, Joseph (CP+...) {14/04/97 - 31/12/98}
Ottawa, Canada
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