I'm gettingtired o reading about computer virous's every time iturn
around when the odds on their really beingone are a little grater than
getting hit by falling space debrey.  I hope at least one of you finds
this as funny as I did. vv

Perhaps this virus does exist after all

Note on the Good Times computer virus: it turns out that this so-called
hoax virus is very dangerous after all. Good Times will re-write your
hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even
close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness
setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips
on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix
Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave dirty
socks on the coffee table when company comes over. It will put a dead
kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys
when you are late for work.
Good Times will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you
nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and
shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your
back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card. It
will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is
the power of Good Times, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those
things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
Good Times will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your
boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is
dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting
shade of mauve.
Good Times will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet
seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and
then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase
gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
--contributor unknown

Viruses with an attitude



Adam & Eve virus -- takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer
(submitted by Darren Vallance)
Airline virus -- diverts your data to Singapore whenever you fly to
Dallas (submitted by Darren Vallance)
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus -- terminates and stays resident. It'll be
back! (submitted by Darren Vallance)
AT&T virus -- every three minutes, it tells you what great service you
are getting from the virus (submitted by Darren Vallance)
Clinton virus -- designed to infect programs, but it eradicates itself
when it cannot decide which program to infect (from the FBI's Law and
Enforcement Bulletin , which got snookered into thinking this was a real
virus!)
Clipper chip virus -- scrambles all the data on a hard drive, rendering
it useless (from the FBI's Law and Enforcement Bulletin , which got
snookered into thinking this was a real virus!)
Congressional virus -- runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything
(submitted by Darren Vallance)
Federal bureaucrat virus -- divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer
Freudian virus -- your computer becomes obsessed with its own
motherboard, or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard
drive (submitted by Darren Vallance)
Government economist virus -- nothing works, yet all your diagnostic
software claims everything is fine (submitted by Rob Rosenberger )
Gingrich virus -- randomly converts word processing files into legalese
often found in contracts. Victims can combat this virus by typing their
names at the bottom of infected files, thereby signing them, as if
signing a contract. (from the FBI's Law and Enforcement Bulletin , which
got snookered into thinking this was a real virus!)
Hillary Rodham Clinton virus -- instantly turns 1KB of disk space into
1MB (submitted by Darren Vallance)
Jane Fonda virus -- attacks your hard drive's FAT (submitted by Darren
Vallance)
Jimmy Hoffa virus -- your programs can never be found again (submitted
by Darren Vallance)
Joey Buttafuaco virus -- only attacks minor files (submitted by Darren
Vallance)
Ken Starr virus -- slaps a subpoena on all of your files (submitted by
Evk d.)
LAPD virus -- claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC
and erases them in "self defense" (submitted by Darren Vallance)
Lecture virus -- deliberately formats the hard drive, destroying all
data, then scolds the user for not catching it (from the FBI's Law and
Enforcement Bulletin , which got snookered into thinking this was a real
virus!)
MCI virus -- every three minutes, it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus (submitted by Darren Vallance)
Michael Jackson virus -- preys on child processes (submitted by Darren
Vallance)
Milli Vanilli virus -- changes the author's name on all the documents in
your system. Equipped with an auto-remove code: after detection, it
disappears forever. (submitted by Zweitze de Vries)
O.J. virus -- claims it did not, could not, and would not delete two of
your files, and vows to find the virus that did do it (submitted by
Darren Vallance)
Oliver North virus -- plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files
(submitted by Darren Vallance)
Opra Winfrey virus -- your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
then slowly grows to 300MB (submitted by Darren Vallance)
Paul Revere virus -- warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN,
2 if by C++ (submitted by Darren Vallance)
PBS virus -- your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
(submitted by Darren Vallance)
Politically correct virus -- never calls itself a "virus," but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic organism" (submitted by Darren
Vallance)
Ross Perot virus -- activates every component in your system, just
before the whole darn thing quits (submitted by Darren Vallance)
SPA virus -- examines programs on the hard disk to determine whether
they are properly licensed. If the virus detects illegally copied
software, it seizes the computer's modem, automatically dials 911, and
asks for help. (from the FBI's Law and Enforcement Bulletin , which got
snookered into thinking this was a real virus!)
Tonya Harding virus -- turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
(submitted by Darren Vallance)
Virus virus -- infects all infected sectors, which in turn become
infected, then which become infected, and in turn those become
infected...
Woody Allen virus -- bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter
card (submitted by Darren Vallance)
Air Force viruses --

F-4 virus -- Outdated virus that was once the most tenacious and
capable, but leaves an obvious trail and is therefore easily detected.
F-16 virus -- Extremely small virus that's highly overrated. Seldom
makes it all the way to your files. But if it somehow does, it usually
can't do any real damage anyway.
F-15C virus -- Makes lots of claims about what it can do, but usually
shows up after you've already shutdown your computer. Sometimes destroys
the wrong files.
F-15E virus -- Most capable virus of all. Works quickly and accurately.
Causes tremendous damage to targeted files. Can defend itself well
against anti-viral programs.
F-18 virus -- Another virus that seldom makes it all the way to your
files. Spends 90% of its time just trying to get aboard.
EF-111 virus -- Extremely fast, deadly accurate virus that has now been
replaced by less capable viruses.
F-117 virus -- Works only at night. Targets very specific files stored
towards the center of the hard drive. Can only be used once a night due
to long boot-up time.
B-1 virus -- Very expensive virus that is easily erased because it's so
easy to find, and has no known defensive capabilities.
B-2 virus -- Most expensive virus ever. Costs far more than the computer
it infects. Hard to detect. Works only at night. Must have access to
external modem to find targeted files.
E-3 virus -- Large virus with large sensory organ. Blind, dumb, and
inept at times. Continually misidentifies the hard drive files during
its search for victims. Sometimes directs the destruction of the wrong
files. Not a worry ... just a nuisance.
C-130 virus -- Most lethal virus of all because it can carry all types
of additional viruses, anywhere, anytime. Shows up in more foreign
versions than the flu bug. Can find its way into even the smallest of
computers (on land or sea). Limited only by the amount of additional
viruses it can carry and distance covered (overcomes this limitation by
staging itself from an unlimited variety of other locations within
systems). Quite benign after delivering other viruses because it settles
down to a binge of eating and drinking.


Submit one of your own!


(Start of form 1)


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your name (required)
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your home page URL (optional)
[Text: Government Economist
]
humorous virus name
[Text: Nothing works, yet all your diagnostic software claims everything
is fine
]
humorous description
[Submit this virus humor to Rob!: Submit Button]
(End of form 1)


For further reading



April Fools on the Net
IBM Antivirus Online humor section
InfoWar.com humor section
IRIS antivirus software humor section

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