<<Disclaimer: Verify this information before applying it to your situation.>>
Dear All,
My husband and I have always socialized by inviting friends for dinner. On
June 1, I posted a letter about how, since my cd diagnosis, I realized our
invitations were no longer reciprocated, and that I wondered if friends would
drift away due to my dietary restrictions. I was particularly worried about
losing my friend Kay, who insisted she could only reciprocate with something
gourmet.
The response from the list was overwhelming. I received more than 50 kind,
thoughtful, supportive replies. Thank you so much. I don't know how to tell
you how much you have helped me.
Regarding the responses, two or three people thought I might need new friends:
real friends try to do the right thing. Many sent caring and clever ideas
about entertaining and the cd lifestyle. Some people sounded very sad about
suffering a great deal of rejection, while others persevered in making their
needs clear and providable to as many friends as possible, and still others
simply always bring their own food. Following are a summary of suggestions and
more about what's happening with my friend Kay. There are so many great
ideas... I'm certain this list will be a help to many people.
__________________________
Send a list of yes and no foods to the cook, and discuss the ingredients with
the cook 7-10 days before the meal.
Keep feeding my friends, and they may, at some point, feel ready to
reciprocate.
Don't expect to interact with people over a meal, unless I cook it.
Offer to bring part of the meal. [I did offer to bring a dish to Kay's, but
she insisted she should make the whole meal.]
Go out to eat with friends, then go to someone's house for coffee and dessert.
[This writer said she didn't lose her friends, but they distanced themselves
from her food problem.]
True friends will help and support. Try planning a meal together.
Give friends a list of safe foods. "What I would suggest in your case is that
you give a few fun recipes to your friends or say something like "I used to
love xxxxx before I became a coeliac and you could make it GF by doing yyyyy"
- naturally you pick something the friend is proud to cook as xxxxx. After a
while, our real friends start collecting recipes and discussing them with us.
We now get comments like 'I thought we'd try and cook this. Have I managed to
make the recipe completely safe
for you?' Keep your spirits up and your real friends will eventually TRY -
honestly."
Go out to lunch and level with the friend about feeling isolated. Talk about
yes and no foods. Some friends will try. Go out to dinner with the others.
Take the time to help your friends understand your situation. Entertain the
friends who can deal with it.
Even when people say they will prepare what you can eat, they sometimes add a
small amount of something forbidden, thinking just a little won't hurt. If I
cook for someone I ask they return the favor with something other than food,
or I bring a dish with me.
Don't expect to cook a fancy meal and have your friends reciprocate with salad
and baked potato.
We make simple meals when entertaining (to teach people how to cook for us)
and save the gourmet efforts for when it's just the family.
Most people just don't realize they can cook an easy healthy meal. Sometimes a
friend will go out of her way to make a special treat.
"I have lots of friends who have us over.... it's the running joke that we are
meat and potatoes company." [Could interpret as: Let yourself be known as meat
and potatoes company.]
Most people won't bother to learn the diet. A few special people have for
me... hope you find some, too.
"Just keep inviting and experimenting with serving your guests what you would
most like to serve--they'll catch on... or they won't. Meanwhile, you have a
few good evenings and enjoy some great desserts."
One person is writing her own cookbook to give to friends, who she feels
aren't used to cooking without processed ingredients.
Confront people about the problem, but keep in mind that they'll still have a
hard time getting it right.
CD is socially isolating. Cook simple meals for friends so they will see easy
food can be good.
Plain food is a worthy trade for having company.
"I meet friends for lunch at a restaurant I specify, and that is how I
maintain friendships." Friends who want to reciprocate a dinner can take you
to a restaurant.
Share the cooking when you get together.
Several ideas: Invite the friends back for a simple dinner. Summer is great
for salads and grilled chicken. Do a pot luck where everyone brings a 3x5 card
with ingredients listed. Go to movie, play, or concert, something other than
eating. Go to a known "safe" restaurant.
James Beard complained that no one reciprocated his dinner invitations
either[!] He said he preferred simple foods.
Skip the food and go shopping or take a ride. "I just get a pizza for my
friends and eat a ham sandwich or something when they come over and have a
gluten free cake."
Some friends will come around and some won't. Sometimes we go out to a movie
and to someone's house for coffee and dessert.
Offer to help prepare the meal. Suggest a barbeque and bring gf bread.
Offer to translate friend's recipes.
I don't trust others to prepare GF meals. I invite them to my house.
"Every holiday is at my house. At least I can eat."
Invite people to my house and suggest "safe" items they can bring so they'll
learn about the diet.
Even people with their own allergies can be insensitive. There are plenty of
people who do care about others.
Prepare simple meals for friends. Give them gf flour for when they cook for
you.
Tell the host not to make a special meal. Eat what is safe and supplement with
food from home. When eating out, if someone is pitying, be philosophical, list
good things you can eat including something on the menu. Make sure I'm not
making a bit deal out of the diet myself... better to be known as a picky
eater than deprived. Don't focus on the problem while socializing.
Not everyone has the time to make dinner parties... that could be why people
aren't reciprocating.
Make friends with more people who have the same problem.
__________________________
I apologize for any mistakes or ommissions in paraphrasing and summarizing.
Also, I had a computer crash while I was collecting replies, and,
unfortunately, I think I may have lost a few.
Since Kay was bent on going gourmet and doing all herself, I decided to call
her and, as suggested above, offer to translate her recipe or give her some gf
recipes. She was happy to go over ingredients with me. I know I'm taking a
risk eating what someone else prepares, but I've decided I'm willing to risk
it occasionally if I think a sincere effort will be made for the food to be
safe.
Thank you all for giving me courage, hope, and paths to try.
Best wishes,
Mara in MA, USA
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