When I read the last few posts, it was as if someone gave me a left jab right

in the solar plexus.  You guys have hit me hard, ESPECIALLY Kyle with his

combination punch.



Kyle said, "It's been very difficult for me to accept the idea that I "can't"

do things that were once (not long ago) easy, so I guess I'll just suck it up

until I can't stand the pain anymore. ....I think what gets me more than

anything is the rapidity with which my balance, flexibility, pain-level got

bad.  If it had been a relatively gradual process I think I could have coped

better emotionally.  I get to thinking, "Sh*t, if it's this bad now, what's

it going to be like in five years?"



Kyle?  Could you do me a favor dear?  Please get out of my brain!  Stop

taking psychic dictation from my soul and putting in print for everyone to

read. :D



Whoever coined the phrase, "growing old gracefully" obviously didn't have

cerebral palsy.  If I hadn't lived the first 30 years of so as if I didn't

have cp, perhaps these last few years would not be quite so traumatic.  I'm

stubborn and independent.  Always have been, always will be!  (At least

that's what I keep telling myself.)  However, there is a dark doubt which

creeps in and haunts me.  "What's it going to be like in five, ten, twenty

years?"  The images which come to mind scare the bejesus out of me, so I push

them away by physically PUSHING myself past the limit.  I'm trying to prove

something to myself, and I ALWAYS end up suffering (physically).



Kyle also said, "I was on the water only two hours or so, but when I got home

I could barely move and couldn't stand up straight at all. ... I was making

my body do things it really shouldn't have been doing. ...  But--doggone

it!--it was worth it! "



Oh yeah!  I know this line well.  When hubby comes home and I can hardly move

at all, my explanation always starts with, " I was only....."  Usually I

follow up with, "landscaping the yard, power washing the house, scrubbing the

tiles in the shower for two hours, standing on a ladder trying to hang

curtains..."



All the things a (yeech) "normal" person of my age can do with relative ease.

 I conveniently "forget" (deny) to take into account I'm trying to make my

body do things it really shouldn't be doing in the first place.  - And here

is the REALLY scarry part....  Just like Kyle, I as I shift around on the ice

pack and swallow another handful of pharmaceuticals to ease the pain I smile

to myself and think, "Yep!  Dog Gone it!  It was worth it! "



By now you are probably wondering where "A Really Big Straw" comes into play.

 Well, the wait is over.  Kyle had said, "I guess I'll just suck it up until

I can't stand the pain anymore."  He went on to say, "The other thing that

sucks is that if I take enough pain-killers/antispasmodics to let me

hunt/hike/fish without undue pain, then I'm not really being safe."



Ah yes, "sucking it up."  But you see here is the problem, with the passing

of each year, I find I need a much bigger straw.  I too "suck up the pain"

ignore my body's wailing pleas to stop, ... Stop, ....STOP!  Under the docs

suggestion, I've gone the last two weeks without the pain killers.  Of course

I have been taking the maximum dose of aspirin available.  I also noticed I

still work myself like a beast of burden, except now, I'm suffering all the

way through and after (instead of just after).  I too have been doing things

under the influence of pain-killers, only to find out later I did get hurt,

just didn't feel it at the time.  You know?  Smashed myself with the shovel

in the garden, or cut myself with a knife only to find out it was a really

deep and dangerous cut that just didn't hurt so bad.  I even broke my toe,

but didn't think it was bad since it only hurt a little bit.



So?  What was the point of my post?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Maybe

like Trisha's friend, I needed to vent.  I hate to feel my mortality and the

limits of my abilities. [One of the down sides to being an ego maniac with a

God complex :D]  When reality sneaks in and hits, it hits hard.  - Anyway,

thanks for letting me vent.  And Kyle?  Don't worry about sneaking in and

taking a peak at my soul.  In fact, I find much comfort in knowing I'm not

the only dope out there who doesn't listen to their body and of course common

sense :D   - Denise.