Though the Secret Service and FBI may have just cause to be nervous following 
after their failure to heed the warning signs prior to 9-11 it comes as 
something of a shock to hear reported this morning that President Bush fled 
to the security of his Texas ranch with Dolly Parton due to a threat from a 
suicide egg bomber. The prez is quoted, "Those are BIG… eggs. Hey, pay 
attention. I'm talkin' about EGGS here." 

The Commander and Chief then segued into an explanation of the complicated 
relationship between the camouflage of Austrian (Muslim?) ostrich eggs with 
colored tints and vinegar and the International proliferation of "designer" 
land mines. "I like the sparkles," he said in parting.

At this morning's annual egg rolling celebration at the White House the 
kiddies will have a challenge of rolling quite small eggs as the event, in 
this year of heightened homeland security, will be directed personally by Dan 
Quaile. Dan, though meager in some departments, is a brave sort when 
requested to serve on behalf of the Republican Party -- there have been as 
yet unconfirmed reports of a radical Islamic fundamentalist wearing a pink 
bunny suit and driving a brightly painted psychedelic hummer in the Maryland 
suburbs north of the Capital.

In a seemingly unrelated report from Reuters a rash of shopping malls across 
the country, apparently in copycat actions, have reported incidents of Goths 
and Skin Heads throwing raw eggs at department store windows. The CDC has 
re-issued salmonella warnings and are advising that eggs sent through the US 
Postal Service should be considered suspect and left uneaten, particulalry if 
they arrive broken as is usually the case. 

Charlton Heston, coming to the defense of this great nation, held a press 
conference last Wednesday and called for the irradiation of all eggs and the 
shooting of all chickens that produce eggs on American soil. When challenged, 
by this reporter, that most eggs are produced by caged birds and that the 
eggs rarely touch the dirt Mr. Heston appeared flustered.

The reports of a potential suicide egg bomber and the widespread distribution 
of raw eggs in our markets, according to the Dept. of Agriculture, have no 
relation to the high incidence of nasal cancer in children, now grown, who 
participated in the White House egg roll during the Johnson administration, 
as per a recent study issued by Johns Hopkins.

XXX ;-) 04/01/2002

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