Dearest Mag,

As far as I am concerned, you are minding your business.  You are being a
thoughtful friend and I appreciate that.  I have an open heart to consider
your good wisdom; I'd be a fool to do otherwise.

In the beginning, Mom was adamant about not pursuing chemotherapy or
radiation therapy. When the cancer spread, she had a change of heart.  I told
her that whatever she decided to do, I would back her completely.  She did
say that she would only let this treatment go on so long as it did not make
her too sick.  Hopefully, she understands that this is her decision.  The
only thing I have done has been to ask specific relatives not to impose their
will on her.

She seems very vulnerable at this point. That is typically the time when
people whit low self-esteem try to gain feelings of empowerment by employing
their poisonous "do gooder" tactics (Billy Golfus paraphrase).
Unfortunately, we have a couple of relatives who are like that.  This is
their big chance to capitalize on another human's vulnerability to feel
important.

"You are sick.  I know what's best for you and I am going to treat you like a
child and tell you exactly what to think, and what to do."  It's like a power
surge for that brand of human.

Of course, Mom has the responsibility to take charge of those situations.
She is good at it in some circumstances, but not in this one I've noticed.
She has asked me to run interference for her with regard to these relatives,
and I've agreed to take on the assignment.  She is feeling the physical
effects of the chemotherapy, and if this takes a little burden from her
shoulders, I guess I can do it for her.

If she had acquired a permanent disability, and would have to live a long
lifetime dealing with society, I would instead encourage her to develop the
strength to do the job herself.  This seems different though.

One of my cousins, who does love my mother very much, said to me that the
family should get together to persuade my Mom to have chemotherapy.  I
replied that we would do no such thing.  Mom is perfectly capable of making
her own decisions, and we are not going to trample on the dignity of a
competent, autonomous individual.

I hurt my cousin's feelings; I'm sorry because I love her. I had to do a
little smoothing over medicine later, but she does understand what is not
going to be acceptable.

In short, I do agree with you Mag, and that is Mom's wish as well.  I'm only
sharing all of this because the dynamics of our family interaction with
regard to my mom's illness reminds me of how a few people tried to treat me
after I became disabled.  I thought some people on the list might be able to
identify, so it seemed like a good idea to expound.

It's "deja vous all over again."












In a message dated 04/22/2000 3:27:50 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:

<< Betty,
 I'm sending hugs and love your way.

 And maybe an imprudent question; is the chemo really going to help your mom,
 or just prolong her suffering?  I hear that many people go through all this
 only to die a few months later.  Your Mom does have the option, I think, of
 deciding not to go through chemo-hell.  Tell me to mind my own business, or
 whatever, but this is just my opinion, and may be totally off base.

 xxx
 mag
  >>