Good Morning All,
I got a number of interesting responses to the article on
discipline.
Spanking is woven into our socity as a method of discipline -
the same way not long ago - women weren't allowed rights and were property
and applying leeches to draw off the bad blood was considered a cure for
illnesses. Any concept that requires change gets resistance - we always did
it this way, this way is more work, whine whine whine. Evidentually it
catchs on - after all we drive cars fly planes and nuke food. Physical
deterence as a method of power to get someone to do what you want - isn't
going anywhere anytime soon. That's why we have bigger and better bombs. Now
that we can annihilate each other 10 times over - we are seeing the value of
talking out differences. If your child where big enough to haul off and
smack you - you would quickly find a new way of disciplining. I have heard
this from several males - there fathers hit them until they where big enough
to say - hit me agian and I hit back. In other words -- I have had enough of
your BS. Also people becasue of the methods that we have used to
discipline - shame etc - we react as tho any new idea means we are wrong and
we must fught it. I don't have problem with being wrong and when I am I own
up to it. I have had to apololize to Amber when I have been wrong. I hate to
break it to you - but it doesn't matter what you tell your kids - its your
action that they observe that the learn from. You can tell them till Hell
freezes over - but if you do it - they will. I am starting a series of
parenting articles - that will give you a different twist - it is not to say
you are wrong - its says there is a different point of view.
Bobby - Amber may be an easy child - but even an easy child can
be ruined by a fractious adult caretaker. My take was/is - She was
intelligent, therefore could/can learn. 2. I have spent 30 years being hit
and it only taught me - I don't like being hit. I figured - if I treated her
with decency and respect and like she was intelligent being - things would
be ok. I applied the Golden Rule - ( no not the one where - he who has the
gold rules) but the treating others like you want to treated. Neat
discipline note. I got Amber's report card and I wasn't to thrilled with
several grades she got - so I said no phoning friends during the weeek and
no spending the night - she said okay. A day or to later she observed - This
doesn't seem much like punishment - more quality time with my Mom. LOL
Brightest Blessings
Trisha
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Enjoying Each Child as an Individaul
We expect adults to be individuals, to have likes and dislikes, to be good
at some things and not at others. But it often surprises us that children
are unique individuals with their own tastes, styles, and abilities. All
children have different rates of development and different personalities.
Knowing this can help us be patient. We can show our children that we really
care about them by accepting each child as an individual.
Remember that some children are easy to care for and not very demanding.
Others are fussy and difficult to care for. You may have children who are
very different from one another even though you've tried to treat them the
same. One child may cry a lot when he is sleepy or off his schedule. Rather
than seeing your child as "bad," accept the fact that your child's body
requires that he stay on a schedule. Some children are more difficult to
care for, and it doesn't mean that the child is bad or that you are a bad
parent.
Accept children as individuals.
Don't try to make a child something she is not. It's like trying to change a
rose into a daisy: it takes a lot of work, and the results are
disappointing.
I remember a mother telling me that when she heard her teenage daughter
walking up the sidewalk after school she became mad before she even saw her.
The mother and daughter had fought so often that the mother would get mad
even thinking about seeing her daughter.
Although most parents may think they accept their children, what they do or
say may tell children something else. For example, if parents compare,
constantly correct, or ignore a child, the child may not feel loved or
valued. The child may feel that his parents reject him.
Sometimes parents compare one child to another. For example, have you ever
commented to a child how poorly she does in school compared to an older
brother or sister? The parent who does this probably hopes to motivate the
child. But it is more likely to make her discouraged or angry.
Sometimes we talk too much about a child's mistakes rather than his good
qualities. Sometimes we use labels like "dumb," "bad," or "stupid."
Sometimes we are critical of things in our children that we don't like in
ourselves. Sometimes we ignore one child and give lots of love and attention
to another. Such treatment can make a child feel worthless and unloved.
What can you do to show your children that you value them for who they are?
There are three ideas that are important to teach your children:
You have talents.
No one has every talent.
You can use your talents to help others.
It's very important to send these messages to your children. Here are some
ideas that may help.
You have talents.
Every child is good at something. Maybe your child is athletic or creative
or dramatic or smart or good at caring for younger children. There are many
different talents. Even some things that we see as faults can also be seen
as talents. For example, the child who cries easily may be very sensitive or
dramatic. The child who is stubborn may also be intelligent and able to see
things a different way. The child who is "into everything" can also be seen
as energetic and curious
Watch for the things that each child loves to do. Appreciate their
strengths. Tell them about the good you see. Be patient with their
weaknesses. Teach them skills to help them deal with their weaknesses.
Tom is a very sensitive boy. One day he came home very upset because a
classmate had been teasing him about his hairstyle. We talked to him about
how frustrating it is to have someone make fun of you. And we talked about
how to deal with the teasing. We decided that when the boy teased him again
Tom would laugh about the teasing and then ask the classmate about his
classes or hobbies. We hoped Tom could use his sensitivity to build a
friendship. It worked. Tom and the boy are still friends.
No one has every talent. You can use your talents to help others. Teach each
child how to use her talents to help others. For instance, you may have a
child who would rather study than play with other children. Since it's
important for children to have friends, you might encourage your child to
invite another child over to study. Or encourage her to help someone who has
a hard time in class. This would allow the child to use her talent with
other children while doing what she enjoys. She will see her ability as a
strength and not a weakness. Though she might not grow up to be a great
tennis player, she might become a great teacher or college professor.
Children often become discouraged because of talents or qualities they don't
have. A child may want to be athletic, scholarly, and handsome but may be
gentle and caring. We may encourage the child to further develop the
qualities and talents he does have: "Thank you for helping Mrs. Jones with
her leaves. I enjoy the kind way.you help people." We can remind him that
the talent he does have is important to us.
Often children compare themselves to someone they want to be like. They may
become very unhappy that they are not more like their hero. We can help by
understanding their disappointment but reassuring them that we are glad for
what they are.
"I like you just the way you are!"
Sometimes children think they'll never be able to draw, swim, or play ball
as well as another child. One helpful mother reminded her daughter that
children learn to swim at different ages. Another wise mother showed her
young son some of his earlier drawings so he could see how much his drawing
had improved.
Each child can learn to enjoy and use the talents he or she has, rather than
be miserable wishing for other talents.
Use the form below to decide how you can help each of your children develop
his or her talents.
Name of Child:
What does the child like to do?
What are some outstanding things this child does?
What are some personal shortcomings this child worries about?
How can you help him or her use personal strengths to balance the
shortcomings?
What can you say or do to help the child be aware of his or her talents?
What can you do to help the child use his or her talents to help others?
Each child has different talents and different weaknesses. When we learn to
enjoy all of our children as individuals, appreciate their individual
talents, and help them use their talents, we help them grow into capable,
loving people.
If you want to learn more...
Faber, Adele, and Mazlish, Elaine (1980). How To Talk So Kids Will Listen
And Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York: Avon. Ginott, Haim (1956). Between
Parent And Child. New York: Avon.
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This publication was written by H. Wallace Goddard, Extension Family and
Child Development Specialist, Department of Family and Child Development,
Auburn University.
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