What employers really mean when they advertise:

1. "COMPETITIVE SALARY":
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

2. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
We have no time to train you.

3. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE":
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

4. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED":
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

5. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED":
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

6. "DUTIES WILL VARY":
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

7. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL":
We have no quality control.

8. "CAREER-MINDED":
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way.)

9. "APPLY IN PERSON":
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been
filled.

10. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE":
We've filled the job; our call for resume is just a legal
formality.

11. "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF
EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

12. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST":
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

13. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS":
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay
or respect.

14. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS":
Management communicates: you listen, you figure out what they
want you to do and do it.

And what applicants really mean when they say:
1. "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE
ORGANIZATION":
I've used Microsoft Office.

2. "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE":
I pilfer office supplies.

3. "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES...":
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

4. "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK":
I blame others for my mistakes.

5. "I'M PERSONABLE":
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

6. "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL":
I carry a Day-Timer.

7. "I AM ADAPTABLE":
I've changed jobs a lot.

8. "I AM ON THE GO":
I'm never at my desk.

9. "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED":
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here


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