Well, I am very depressed and can't seem to find a sane soul that
understands my heart right now. I am feeling a lil like Job with his 3
friends that gave him countless words of advise, but no real answers that he
could grab a hold of. . I am hurting, but trying to allow God to soften and
change my heart. If you do not want to read the following letter I wrote to
God, its ok. I just needed to send it somewhere, so someone would know what
I feel right now at 6:50 PM Wednesday evening. I love you all sweet tee
Dear Jesus,
I am not sure what I am doing wrong, but I feel pressured by those around me
to hurry up in the healing you are doing. Lord, you know I am having severe
trouble with loneliness and depression. I really would like to know how to
let yo be God and Lord supreme in my life. I am just not sure how to let you
all the way in, Jesus. I can’t seem to get past blaming and resenting others
for my condition. Even now after so much healing, I feel so empty and broken
I wish you would let me come home. I mean how will I ever make a difference
I f I can’t conform to the middle class stereo typical Christian? I hate
their judgments and standards, God. They will not listen to me or change, I
am the one in error. Mean while they pollute their doctrines on to other
poor broken hurting people that have trouble meeting their standards. I get
complaints all the time from these lost sheep of yours that the Church does
not understand them. But how can I help? I mean I am as poor and broken as
these you want me to help. According to the powers that be, I am not coming
up to standards in daily living skills. Lord, I feel backed up into a corner
and I feel so trapped.
I feel confused about so many things. I am about ready to throw in the towel
on trying to fit in. So, I quit asking for money, clean my house, go to
every Church service, you know it will be something else they will have
issue with. Was I born just to be an outcast or what? Well, I just wanted to
get all of this off my chest. I know I am having a hard time understanding
all I need to do. I really hope you will unclog my heart and help me to
listen, respond and be obedient. I hate feeling resentful. Its just not Your
way. Please forgive me for all of this self- absorbed chatter and self- pity
Thank you for allowing me the space just to poor out my heart.
Please come and be near me Lord Jesus. I need you more now than ever. I
really love you. Love your sweet tee rose.
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