I appreciate so much you sharing from your own life, thank you.
I have met some of those tough "can do it all by myself thank you very
much!" people, my goodness, but their stress level must be off the charts.
Life is a process, and it has different chapters just like a classic novel,
don't you wish we could jst go to the chapter we wanted by look in the table
of contents?  But think, of all we would miss learning, I am sure God was
just as surprised as I when He heard me say "Thank You, for all the trouble
we had in our marriage, for moving away to Pa, because if those things had
never happened, I would never have learned to value my relationship with
you, I would have never learned to value the man I call my husband, I would
have never learned what it means to forgive hurts, and be forgiven!!! Truly,
all things have worked out for good! Though I had serious doubts they ever
would.

Rhonda

-----Original Message-----
From: Echurch-USA The Electronic Church
[mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf Of MV
Sent: Sunday, January 01, 2006 7:15 PM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: when someone you love is depressed!

Rhonda,

I've been trying to keep up with email but fear I missed  some of this
thread. From what I did get to read Ben is having difficulty with
depression due to perhaps unworthiness and etc. due to the affects of
diabetes.   A fair warning, this is a bit of a long post so your choice to
continue, the delete button is the lower left hand corner of what is called
the "six pack" keys, or CTRL D in some programs lol. As I've mentioned
before, Ben is welcome anytime to contact me if nothing else to bend an
ear. Back in 1990  the affects of Retinitus Pigmentosa began to encroach my
life. I was in a family business with full  intentions on one day taking it
over. What kind of person was I? Well I wasn't a born again Christian back
then for sure. I was a very visual person, considered myself a very
independent person as well. I loved to drive here and there and was never
home. I once hopped in my pickup truck at a whim when I was like 18 or 19,
got up at 2:00 in the morning and drove 275 miles to Milwaukee for
something to do, picked up some Danish or some dumb thing like that, bummed
around a little bit, and headed back home. I was the guy  who if I
explained something to you, it was with a sketch pad often times. I very
much loved to look at  dusking skies and all their images I could see in
them. I could just sit in a public place and watch people, their reactions
and behaviors and wonder what they were about. I relied on my vision for
work, for eye contact without a word being said, it was so very important
to me. I was the type of person who knew what I knew, and what I knew no
one was talking me out of it. I was very secure, very independent, still
somewhat sensitive but not as much as now having  lived through a life
change. Was I happy? Yep, very easy going, not too vengeful, pretty
happy-go-lucky guy but as I said very secure in my own thoughts, decisions
and in dependency. I knew I was having vision issues for a few years but
yet maintained  my "wholeness" , that being independence and etc. I
remember our family business slowing down, I was going through a different
time of life and decided to leave it and get a job at a local factory. I
applied for the job, they informed me it was not a fun job, it wasn't a
likeable job, and that most people quit shortly after trying it. The job
was basically  two things. Service a large machine and when I wasn't going
to be doing that, I was to stand in a hot pit of sand and beat the slag off
of large cast parts that came fresh out of the cast molds. The sand was
there to help keep the area cool as the parts were extremely hot. Well,
they showed me the room in which this machine I was to service had filled
and it was basically  a large room with a large machine in it and one, only
one mind you, one bare light bulb dangling over the top of the large
machine. This machine was probably the size of a car for some reference
point.  I walked out of that room and told the guy there was no way I could
do that job due to vision problems I was experiencing in low lit areas. Of
course he laughed and thought I was giving him a line and basically said...
"I knew you would quit when you heard about the job". I even tried truck
driving for my father-in-law, full well knowing I had vision issues at
night, but felt I was safe to drive yet at that point. I found out
different when I nearly drove a rig carrying 48,000 pounds of cast steel
over an off-ramp. I had the wheels  up off the curb, cab bouncing around,
buzzers going off and with nothing but darkness in front of me and not
knowing which way to turn the wheel, yet knowing I had to turn the wheel, I
cranked it to the right and popped back on the ramp and stopped that thing
in a beaded sweat. I pulled off to the truck stop I was headed to and
waited until morning and finished the trip, delivered my load, made the
trip back home and quit. It was basically at that point I knew I needed to
see a doctor about my vision. He suggested I file for SSDI as I was less
than 10% radius in my vision. I remember asking myself. What now? How am I
going to provide for my family. We just were in the process of buying a
house, and our first brand new car, I had one kid about five and the
other  just about four. My wife had been working on and off, and also had
gone to cosmetology school along in there and was working at a JC Penny's I
believe. Nonetheless we didn't have the bucks to make ends meet. I had
unemployment benefits because it was winter time and I couldn't work back
in the family business if I wanted to,  and we waited for an answer from
Social Security. Meanwhile our bills piled up. I remember two legal sized
pads of bills. One was full the other half to three quarters. We still owed
for our daughter's birth, we had no insurance at the time, and my son's had
some minor complications but we did have insurance but yet a deductible to
meet and etc. I locked myself up in my room with my guitar and my first
computer for months on end. People would come to visit and I wouldn't even
come out of my little room/office. I wasn't happy, I was afraid, I felt I
was dependent upon others, I could still see to read and etc., but I
couldn't drive. I became Mister Mom as my wife continued to work and had
need to change her work for better pay and benefits I no longer carried.
Who was I now, is what I wondered. I was not happy, I saw no future, I
envisioned difficulty, I wondered what good was I to anyone, why live a
miserable worthless life? And yet in all of that I still  didn't realize
full well what blindness meant as I could still see for many day to day
tasks, I guess God knew I couldn't handle seeing the full picture, as it
were. .  Finally with interest in my new computer, and computers being on
the rise in homes, I decided I wanted to be a Micro Computer Specialist. I
checked into the education and etc. and then someone  in the blindness
fieled where I applied for a grant pointed out, "How are you going to do
your job when your vision gets worse?". I still didn't have a clue as to
the fact in my situation, visually I'd get worse. I then decided to attend
a blindness training program in Minnesota. This was one of the, if not ,
"the" best things I ever did to help myself in that area. I learned things
which although I had no use for them at the time such as cane travel,
Braille,  and etc., I would come to have them at my disposal when needed.
At this juncture I was lifting weights pretty vigorously trying to keep in
shape and was doing a pretty fair job of it actually. Oh, and to attend
this blindness training? I had to take up residency from Wisconsin to
Minnesota, and leave my young family six hours drive away from me for six
months. They came and visited, but I remember  being on my knees crying
like a baby leaning against a multi-colored couch in the apartment I was
staying in as they drove off for home. I knew my kids  didn't understand
why I needed to be gone, and my wife, as much as we had some issues with my
"situational depression" as I call it, and her soon to be diagnosed
"clinical depression", I knew she was quite broken up having to  drive home
without me. That was probably  the last one, of my bottom dips, in my
blindness. Yet at that time I knew I was ultimately on my way up as I was
very  confident in my new found training to help me live independently.
Since then I have successfully ran a vending business, twice in
fact,  having given it up once for a three year stint in Texas, where I did
not find work. I could have had one job but deemed it a bad deal for
various reasons I'll not elaborate on, and oh yes I did telemarketing for
two weeks, until I literally could no longer get myself to dial the phone
for condemnation in going against what I believed in. I do not like
telemarketers and here I was doing what I did not believe in, and in fact
it was a deceptive practice or guise in which we called so I gave it up
despite the $50 I made in two weeks lol. That tells you how good I was at
it.  Oh I did as well do some transcription for our church there as our
pastor was planning on embarking on a writing project and would use it as
the foundation.  I could have gone to school in Texas but for varying
reasons decided against it and soon after I felt God telling me to return
to vending, and in fact I was able to return to the very same route I
started in here in Wisconsin. Could I have had other options? Yes, but I
decided against them,  not because I couldn't do them.    I, now, am
praying and considering yet other options, but that is another story. The
point being, Kathy is right, we ought be afforded a time to grieve, we have
losses and yes we ought have time to grieve those losses. Should we stay
there an over extended time? No. Does it help to have someone else to talk
to at that time? I don't know, I didn't have anyone I knew that was in that
situation back then. I  had a blind uncle who did some things, but I wasn't
in contact with him much and to be honest for other reasons I didn't feel
he would make a very good role model. Looking back yes I would have
probably appreciated someone to bend an ear with that had gone through
such. I guess that is what I found at the blindness learning center, others
who were going through what I was, and others who had successfully  gone
through it and were managing their lives despite blindness. Those which had
a handle on life and themselves and got on with things. That was inspiring
to me. It is very natural for men especially, and now days a growing number
of women as they embark on their own careers and etc. to identify
themselves with what they do for a living. Without that we tend to feel as
though we are somehow less of a person. None of us chose to be blind, it
isn't something we did, or a lack of what we did that has put us  in that
juncture in life. We can choose however to let it roll over us or grab it
by the legs and toss it over and tie it like a roped calf. I certainly
didn't feel like doing that back in 1990 though. But I did after I saw the
potential I could be despite blindness. Ben has an absolute fantastic role
model of a successful blind person living right under his roof in his wife.
A woman of godly faith, faith in her husband who she is obviusly head over
heels in love with, is very personable, socially outgoing, not afraid to be
involved with  group activities, is attending college for crying out loud
as a non-traditional student" as they call us mature folks who return to
school, and has proven to be a supportive and loving mother. While  it is
true that a prophet has little honor in his own home town or family, as
Jesus said, that however does not mean reason for honor does not exist. And
it would do well for that town or family to see the example of success that
exists. I'll be honest, I appreciate and know the value of having a sighted
spouse, albeit I know I could manage without, and yet there are times I
know as well it would be much more comforting having a blind spouse knowing
that my spouse knows what I go through at times and could identify with me.
That I'll not have, just like I've not lived through or with what she has
to deal with or has dealt with. So life has it's trade offs doesn't it,
equally in balance, or not, much of that is dependent upon the situation at
hand rather than to be judged as a constant.  None of us are perfect.  I
know I have thoughts even today of "I wish I could just hop in a car and go
somewhere" or as I've said so many times through the years... "If I got my
sight back? I'd be gone for  a month straight just driving and traveling
this land taking it all in". The difference is now is that those thoughts
don't shut me down. Years ago I felt if I gave up on such thoughts, I'd be
giving up hope, I'd be giving up what and who I am, I'd be giving up a part
of me that I can't live without. And yet I felt if I hung on to them, I was
only torturing myself. I'd see others who said they accepted they would not
do this or that and I felt sad for them to have given up that hope and
accepted the acceptance. Yet I understood that it was for their own sanity,
or mental or emotional health, or perhaps energy spent on thinking of such
things that they felt need to give it up. I can't honestly say I've
accepted blindness with open arms and that I am thankful for it, because I
am not. I believe God has used it for my benefit, the benefit of my family
in ways I'd otherwise not have been concerning them, yet if not blinded I'd
have not been to them some unwanted things as well. But I look back on my
past with a great fondness and gratefulness that I can remember those
things I did see and experience. I'd take my sight back in a New York Light
Minute, if there is such a thing, and yet dwelling on that I know is
unproductive and will not allow me to be the independent and secure person
I am even now. Back in 1990 I would never have thought I could travel solo
across the country as a blind person, but I have and can. I remember back
in my blindness training days at the center, they somehow put me in as
student president, and it happened to be the open house of this new
facility we attended, or new to them, it was actually a prestigious and
historical place. But at the Open House as student body I had to make a
speech. I thought what in the world can I speak about. I mean I'm newly
blinded myself and dealing with things. I remember borrowing three
principles from Stephen Covey... now now now, don't go getting upety on me
cause I'm referring to a motivational and very likely new age speaker lol.
I later found these three principles in a person who had accomplished much
for blind people world-wide. The three principles were "Dependency, In
dependency and Interdependency". Not even knowing I was speaking the
similar principles of this blindness pioneer, I  thought this was a new
mental or emotional technology if you will. And so I suppose spoke with
that mind set, as if I were telling them something new, and to some perhaps
it was new. That being dependency was just that, being solely dependent
upon others. Independent, being solely dependent upon oneself. And then
Interdependent, that of being secure in one's self enough to "choose" to be
dependent upon others to make the best of our life or situation.  Speaking
aside from our spiritual walk here as I think we'd all agree we are totally
dependent upon God for our very breath we take. But, we do have three
choices.  We  can choose to allow ourselves to be dependent upon others for
our daily  life tasks, decisions, and activities. Or we can choose to be
pig headed about things and choose to be independent at any rediculous
cost, to do it  ourselves no matter how much time, resources, money and
etc. it might take. No matter if it is in our best interest or not, but we
dad-gummit are going to do it ourselves. Or we can choose to recognize that
yes, we can do it ourselves, but wouldn't it be to our benefit to solicit
someone's help right about now. And perhaps allow more time to do something
else, or even help someone else with something they need help with. That is
where we need to live in regards to blindness. To know we can do something
if we really choose to. Even if we've never done it before, haven't a clue
of how we could do it, but just being secure and sure we could do it if
push come to shove and we really wanted or needed to, and then be secure
enough to say "Hey, got a minute to lend a hand with this?" I've been
around those who are dependent and it isn't pretty, it solicits pity,
sorrowful feelings, sympathy, and the need for others to feel as though
they are somehow responsible for any given situation or need while in the
presence of that blind person, when they in fact are not. It isn't the
blindness however that creates this dependency but our reaction to it in
the sight of others. Yes there are times there are those who treat us as
such initially, but that is in fact their own issue and likely their own
insecurities coming out strange as it might sound, it is true.  I've also
been around those who have been rudely dependent and it is an ugly scene.
Leaving sour faces on those innocently just being friendly or  yes  perhaps
a bit misinformed  to the abilities of blind folks, perhaps due to
the  person they met last week who chose to be totally dependent on others
and extracted help in such a way that left the sighted person feeling as
though all blind folks are this way. I've also seen interdependent folks
who blend in socially. They seem to just blend in fine, sometimes there is
a time of adjustment, but once people get to know people, things work out.
Much is dependent upon how we portray ourselves, our posture, our body
language, our  willingness to initiate conversation and our sureness of
travel and etc. People pick up on these things by watching us from across
the room, just as they might anyone else, albeit we are much more the
target carrying a cane or using a guide dog. Do we live interdependently
24/7/365? I wish, but I find myself at times not, but no different than
sighted people. I've been in cars where we were going in circles trying to
find a place when in fact if they'd have listened to me and asked
directions at the first convenience store , we'd have been there already.
We just need to get over our own sensitivity to our own blindness thinking
that because we happen to choose to get help in some very evident areas,
that equally but in different ways even sighted folks will do this without
regard at times, or perhaps only after their pride is broken down and they
finally get mad and then go ask for directions. Am I dependent? Could I
live on my own as a blind person? Yes, do I choose to? Well know I was
married before I became blind, but I did in fact have to examine my
relationship during some marital problems years back to ensure I wasn't
staying in  it for the wrong reasons. I wasn't. Lastly here, I began this
process of blindness without God, and am finishing it with God when my day
to leave this earth arrives, and I'll have had the strength of god and I
prefer the latter. But again, that doesn't differ from any other born again
Christian looking back at his life does it.

Brad