Stephen M, Sure , I wish I didn't have Cerebral Palsy. This happens to me a lot. Perk ----- Original Message ----- From: I. STEPHEN MARGOLIS <[log in to unmask]> To: <[log in to unmask]> Sent: Friday, November 05, 1999 10:31 PM Subject: Denial > Perk, > > What do you think denial is about? > > You don't have to answer. I'd really like to know, though. > > Do you ever wish you DIDN'T have CP? I do, a lot. And I pretend I don't > have CP, a lot. I get angry a lot when I can't pretend. > > Life's tough enough with CP. Pretending CP isn't there makes life tougher, > like trying to move a wheelchair with its breaks on or eat soup with a fork. > Everything takes more energy. Pretending doesn't make CP go away. > > I think I deny my CP so I can pretend I'm like everybody else who doesn't > have CP. > > Perk, do you know the bit about vampires and mirrors? Vampires don't have a > reflection. Well I feel like a vampire in reverse. I look in a mirror, or > store window when shopping, or at a picture. I see my image and I > disappear. > > That to me is what denial's about. I can't accept or see the truth and > reality about my Cerebral Palsy. I'd rather live the lie than admit the > truth. > > Please let me know what you think and feel. > > Thanks, > > Steve M. > > > > > From: Perk <[log in to unmask]> > Subject: Re: Denise's Denial -Long > Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 17:52:25 -0600 > > Denise, What are you saying ? -Perk > > ----- Original Message ----- > From: Denise D. Goodman <[log in to unmask]> > To: <[log in to unmask]> > Sent: Friday, November 05, 1999 8:43 AM > Subject: Denise's Denial -Long > > > > Perk has asked a very valid and straight forward question. "Denise, > How > > could you have denied a physical disability?" I honestly wish there > was a > > simple, black & white, straight forward answer. Unfortunately, human > > behavior is a complex puzzle in multi-shaded grays. Even the most > ardent > > slueth has difficultly fitting all of the pieces together. However, I > will > > do my level best to answer her question until we can all see a logical > shape > > and form. > > > > Most people like life neat and tidy, but you can't always toss on a > lable > and > > group people together. Here on this list, we have people with a > disability, > > labled cerebral palsy. You can also have a bunch of candy on a table > marked > > "Chocolate." Of course some might be dark, semi-sweet, have nuts, > powdered > > as coco, or in it's raw natural state. A rich piece of semi-sweet > tastes > > nothing like the bitter pre-processed chocolate. > > > > The same holds true here. (And I am in NO WAY implying some of us are > sweet, > > bitter, or nuts :D ). I only use candy as an analogy. In a way, > those > with > > cerebral palsy are like the cholocate. We may all have the same basic > > disability, but we each have very different levels of physical > ability. > > > > If you have always needed a wheel chair or crutches, or your cp is > severe, > it > > may be difficult to relate to the way I was able to deny being > disabled. > > There are those on the list who say they were merely "brushed by cp." > These > > are the people who may easily identify with my denial. > > > > The doctors have always said I had an "Extremely Mild" case. > Additionally, > > I've had lots of help processing the small amount of raw disability. > Eight > > operations, 14 or so years of night and day braces, 16 years of > physical > > therapy. All of this helped me to deny my disability. What at first > appears > > a stark, illogical contridiction, makes more sense upon closer > inspection. > > > > Being merely "mildly disabled" - I lived in a sort of pergatory. > (Again, > I > > make the following comparasion only for the purpose of illustration. > No > > malice or judgemental inference should be taken from the following > analogy.) > > - I didn't live with the sheer hell of being completely disabled, yet > the > > heavenly life of being "able-bodied or normal" was always just beyond > my > > grasp. > > > > I spent a very short time with other disabled kids. Only in > pre-school. > The > > remainder of my education was in "regular" school. Not in a > mainstream > > program, since that didn't exist. Now, most children want to belong. > They > > need a sense of being liked and part of the gang. I didn't want to be > > "different." I didn't want to be the only "cripple kid" in regular > school, > > but I was. In order to survive, emotionally, I distanced myself from > my > > disability. Mentally, I NEVER considered myself disabled. No matter > how > > many times the kids called me names, tripped or spat at me - their > comments > > and cruelty slid right off. I kept myself warm and safe in the > knowledge, > "I > > wasn't one of 'Them', a cripple." > > > > It's amazing how the human psyche can rationalize and justify any > situation. > > I think of it as a survival skill. Personally, I was not able to > accept > my > > disablity because I was always given the message, verbally and through > > action, "Being different is bad. Being disabled is worse." > > > > Perhaps if I'd had some support at home, I would not have buried > myself so > > deep in denial. My mother was, I've come to believe not unwilling, > but > > unable to cope with life. I share the following from my own life not > to > > illicit sympathy, but to further your understanding of my personal > situation. > > My father abandoned us when I was very young. My mother wasn't yet > 27, > had > > 3 small children, and one (me) was disabled. She had no job skills, > but > got > > a grant and went to college while working 3 menial jobs. We lived > below > the > > poverty level, often without heat in winter, and many times without a > decent > > meal. In fact, mom had even resorted to checking the dumpsters behind > the > > grocery store because they often threw away food which was still good. > > She also was very violent and beat me on a regular basis. With all of > this > > in mind, I'd like to quote a few paragraphs from an autobigography > I've > been > > working on. Again, none of this is being told for any reason, other > than > to > > answer Perk's question. > > > > Excerpt from, "Be A Little Solider." The beatings didn't leave many > > permanent physical scars, but my mother crossed a line which finally > pushed > > me to the breaking point. She uttered words which disfigured my > identity. > > There would be no justification or rationalization for this heinous > betrayal. > > My mother broke the code of silence between a disabled child and > parent. > In > > the midst of a routine assault over something ridiculous, my mother > became > a > > shrieking maniac. Her face twisted around eyes glazed over with > > unadulterated disgust and loathing. I felt the spittle hit my face. > It > > emphasized each word as it echoed throughout our empty house, "You > make me > > SICK! It makes my stomach turn to watch you walk." > > > > All the physical assaults, emotional traumas, and pain I'd battled > during > my > > young life didn't prepare me for those traitorous words. I was left > in > > ruins. A state of total > > devastation. I'd been living in denial, but I could no longer hide > from > my > > greatest fear. I was one of "THEM." A monstrous mutation, imperfect, > > disabled. Was it any wonder the other children hated me? How could I > expect > > love or friendship if my flesh and blood mother was physically > sickened by > > the sight of me? > > > > I truly believed I'd been functioning without feeling, but I was > wrong. > Once > > teetering on the edge of nothingness, these words pushed me into a > frigid > > abyss. Ironically, I did experience powerful emotions seconds before > a > > protective glacial barricade crystallized inside me cutting off any > and > all > > emotion. The last feelings to touch me were inspired by the words my > mother > > screamed in my face. I felt repulsive, ashamed, grotesque, sub-human, > and > > then ... blissful nonexistence. Denise had disappeared." <end of > excerpt> > > This might not completely or satisfactorily answer your question Perk. > My > > hope is that by giving you a glimpse into why I distanced myself from > the > raw > > reality that I was disabled, you can see that it is not only > plausible, > but > > logical to believe someone can look in the mirror yet never see their > true > > reflection. Take Care and Be Well: Denise >