SECRETS FOR INFLUENCING DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Do you want to know a powerful secret that everyone should know but few people do? Whether we know it or not, the most precious possession for every human being is his ego. This does not mean that the person is "egotistical" in the pejorative sense of the word.

What we are talking about is a sense of human dignity that we are all born with. It's a knowledge deep in each man or woman's heart that he or she is important and deserves respect. This is the true basis for self-esteem. It's a healthy force and a birthright. People who don't understand this often try to become significant through making money, becoming famous, or gaining power or significance in many different

ways.

This can cause a person to become an egotist in the negative sense, but that never satisfies the hunger for true inner self-esteem since it doesn't get to the root of real self esteem. This unsatisfied yearning for self-esteem creates most of the trouble in the world and also in the psyches of difficult people.

If we remember a few truths about ourselves and everyone else, it will help us have much more successful relationships and encounters with others. Remember,

1. We all care more about ourselves than anything else in the world. There's nothing wrong with this. It's how we survive.

2. Every person wants to feel significant.

3. Every person craves approval by others, so that he can approve of himself.

We need to have some self-esteem before we can be kind to others. We need to like ourselves, at least to some extent, before we can like others. Knowing this helps us to understand why others act badly sometimes, and possibly why we do, too.

When self esteem is good, people are easy to get along with. Their positive qualities dominate. They are tolerant and willing to listen to others' points-of-view. They can admit to being wrong sometimes since this is not crushing to their healthy self-esteem. When self-esteem is low, people are difficult to get along with. People who come on as bullies or blowhards do so because of low self-esteem, not high self-esteem. When self-esteem is low, even a critical glance or slightly negative remark can have a severe sting.

Can you see the lesson here? The way to deal with this difficult person (all difficult people) is to help him like himself better. And do it in a genuine, authentic way, not in a superior, patronizing way. We all have good qualities as well as bad. Can you find the good qualities in the difficult person? If so, you will be able to treat him with respect. He will recognize that you have respect for him and will be easier to communicate with, now and in the future. Remember, we all have a deep hunger for respect, and if you treat others with respect, they will be much easier to get along with.

extract from dealing with difficult personalities

DO ONTO OTHERS AS YOU WILL ACCEPT THEM IN RETURN. DO YOUR BEST AND LIVE THEREST TAKING CARE FOR ITSELF

From: Edie Sidibeh <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask]
Sent: Wednesday, 26 June 2013, 22:23
Subject: [G_L] Why difficult

WHAT MAKES SOME PEOPLE DIFFICULT?

The first thing we need to do to improve relationships with difficult people is to understand where they're coming from. People behave based on what they're thinking. Their behavior can change very quickly as their thoughts change, but understanding their frame of mind is the place to start.

Everyone has a wide range of behavior including normal behavior and behavior under difficult circumstances. In their book Dealing with People You Can't Stand, Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner talk about intent being at the root of behavior. They believe there are four types of intent: getting it done, getting it right, getting along, and getting appreciation.

Depending on what they want at the time, difficult people can shift from one of these states to another. You can easily tell where people are coming from by looking at their communication style. In the "get it done" mode people are focused on a task to be completed. Communication is brief and to the point.

In the "get it right" mode focus is on the details of the task, with documentation to prove the task has been done correctly. In the "get along" mode the person is considerate of others' feelings and opinions. In the "get appreciated" mode the person has an elaborate style that calls attention to himself.

Clearly, if people who are working together have the same communication style, it would be smooth sailing. Problems arise when people with different communication styles or intent are working together. For instance, when people want to "get it done" and it's not getting done, they become more controlling. The Big Bully, The Ambush Artist, and The No It All Non-Listener all become more controlling when they feel threatened. When people want to "get it right" and are afraid it's being done wrong, they become more perfectionistic. The Deep Deep Freeze, The No, Not, Never Person, and The Complaint Central Person all become more perfectionistic when they feel something is being done incorrectly.

When people want to "get along" and think they're being left out, they become more approval seeking. The Wishy Washy One and the Yes Me to Death Fraud become even more approval seeking when they feel they are being ignored or rejected. When people want "to be appreciated" and think they're not, they become more attention seeking. The Volatile Volumizer and the Think They Know It Alls try harder to get attention when they feel they are not being appreciated.

Have you noticed that while you're reading through this list of the 5 most difficult behaviors, you might have run into yourself? If we’re going to be honest, don't we all whine, complain, procrastinate about making a decision, and all the other behaviors from time to time? The difference is probably that we don't do it as often as difficult people and we don't do it with the intensity they do. When we see ourselves acting this way, we often deliberately change our behavior. Difficult people become more difficult when they feel threatened and not understood, so how we interact with them is key to them behaving at their best, not their worst. In the next chapter will take a look at how we can communicate with difficult people to bring out the best in them.

DO ONTO OTHERS AS YOU WILL ACCEPT THEM IN RETURN. DO YOUR BEST AND LIVE THEREST TAKING CARE FOR ITSELF

From: Edie Sidibeh <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask]
Sent: Wednesday, 26 June 2013, 22:05
Subject: [G_L] Difficult personalities

THE VOLATILE VOLUMIZER

This person is disruptive and confusing because he takes an ordinary situation and blows it out of proportion with hostility that is inappropriate to what is actually going on. This is the person who throws a fit when they get his coffee order wrong at Starbucks for his lunch order wrong at McDonald's.

THE THINK THEY KNOW BUT DON'TS

These people love to dominate meetings or parties. They believe they know what they're talking about, and they sound so sure of themselves that it takes someone with some real expertise to know that what they are saying is empty and wrong. Their goal is to get attention, and they fool enough people so that they usually succeed.

THE YES ME TO DEATH FRAUD

These people are infuriating because they seem to be the nicest people around. They'll offer to do anything for anyone. They want to keep everybody happy. They'll do anything to avoid confrontation. But when it comes to delivering on the things they said they would do, what they deliver is excuses. They over-commit themselves so they have no time to actually do what they promised. Then they're surprised when you resent them for it.

THE NO, NOT, NEVER PERSON

These people approach life with such futility and hopelessness that they give up before they even try. They are the ones who shoot down every good idea, whether it's at a meeting or presentation. They are so sincere in their belief that things won't work; they can't understand why you don't see it, too.

THE BIG BULLY

These people can ruin any day and any project. Whether they've contributed anything themselves or not, they come on full blast with criticism and accusations. They have only negative things to say about you and what you've done, and they think they've come to save the day. As people stand paralyzed around them, they take over and start to bark orders. Soon, however, they lose interest and move off in another direction. With everyone demoralized around you, you are left to pick up the pieces.

DO ONTO OTHERS AS YOU WILL ACCEPT THEM IN RETURN. DO YOUR BEST AND LIVE THEREST TAKING CARE FOR ITSELF

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