Hey Pinheads, I just got this in a message on another list where the members are ALMOST as wacky as we are. I thought it was too good not to pass on. Ruth PS: I'm trying out my newfound ability to change the colors like Ralph does. > Christmas With Louise!! > > > As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his > fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill > them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true > because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were > overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. > > > One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and > went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things > at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never > been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was > there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding > me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll > section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also > substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane > during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come > in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of > the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I > settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To > call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination. > > > On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came > to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the > wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the > dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some > cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I > went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my > brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a > present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She > would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. > > > We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of > the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional > Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in > the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. > My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." > "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. > I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. > "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. > "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the > dining room. > But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" > Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no > one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, > hang on!" > My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me > and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" > I told him she was Jay's friend. > A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. > Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized > this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. > The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, > who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a > noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched > from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in > front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my > nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began > administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over > his chair and wet his pants. > Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. > It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. > Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to > decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had > suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, > thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect > health! -- Ruth Barton [log in to unmask] Dummerston, VT -- To terminate puerile preservation prattling among pals and the uncoffee-ed, or to change your settings, go to: <http://listserv.icors.org/archives/bullamanka-pinheads.html>