good stories, mike... here's a Jewish joke. 4 women were sitting on a bench, the first one says, Oy. the second says oy veh. the third one sighsm and says oy vehesmer. the fourth one says, I thought we agreed to not talk about the children! mag ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [log in to unmask] Catch you later! > [Original Message] > From: Mike Collis <[log in to unmask]> > To: <[log in to unmask]> > Date: 6/9/2005 9:32:57 AM > Subject: Random Acts of Lunwcy-funny > > A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a > blizzard in Chicago, returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the > space . > > Understandably, he shot her. > > ******** > > After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found > that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare > to Beltway had escaped . > > Not wanting to admit his incompetence, > the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a > free ride . > > He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff > that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies . > > The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days . > > ******** > > An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious > head wounds received from an oncoming train . > > When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was > simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train > before he was hit . > > ******** > > A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an > examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen . > > It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant." > > The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her > daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having > sex with a boy . > > The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon . > The mother became enraged and screamed, > "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" > "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am . > > It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and > three wise men came . And I was just checking ... > > ******** > > When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a > hold-up in Long Beach, California, the would be robber James Elliot did > something that can only inspire wonder : > > He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again . This time it worked > . > > ******** > > The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine > and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance > company . > > The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look > for himself . > He tried the machine out and lost a finger . > > The chef's claim was approved . > > ******** > > Bonus extra > > A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something > . > > The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up > over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window . > For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, > Please, don't ever do that again . You scared the daylights out of me." > > The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't > realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the > driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all . > > Today is my first day driving a cab . I have been driving a hearse for the > last 25 years . > > > Martin H. Slusser > Author: LOST, NOT FOUND > www.storiesbyemail.com