<<Disclaimer: Verify this information before applying it to your situation.>> My question was about my sister’s holiday meal…she promised a gf stuffing for me then denied the promise and I was trying to decide what to do. I got 80 or 100 thoughtful and interesting responses. A huge number of us have these problems and all who are affected should read through the selected responses below. I know it was very thought provoking for me and helped me decide what to do. Thank you for responding, it was very moving to read all your personal stories. I’ve including anything I thought was really interesting, whether I agreed or not. I believe something new based on this experience. Those of us who are allowing our families to make us bring our own food and not eating it themselves, we are allowing them to stay in denial about our disease. They are forcing us to stay isolated even as we are with them. Do you really think it’s a big favor to ask that they stuff the turkey with dressing I make and bring myself that tastes the same? Face it; most of us have become excellent cooks. How can we expect society to change if we can’t even get through to those who claim to love us? I know most of you will disagree, but at least try to be open-minded and think about it. If this is too radical, try bringing the entire meal along so it’s obvious to everyone that you’ve been left out. Now for my decision. I have decided that what is best for me is to arrive as the meal is ending. This way, I miss very little of the festivities and food is no longer an issue for my holiday enjoyment. This completely diffuses all of the stressful issues for me. It’s a long drive and I will be spending the night, so I get the quality time with my sister and family. This is the best decision for me and I feel very good about it. I wish I could eat with the future in-laws but they live much too far away to do both. Next year, we are going to think about having our own dinner. So far the reaction from my mother on the late arrival has been fantastic, she will use my stuffing next time she does the meal (I am happy to make it), and my sister is working all the guilt angles she can think of but that’s just par for the course since she’s the family martyr. Happy Holidays to you all! Summary: The health issues were: do not eat the turkey if it is stuffed with a gluten-containing dressing, this is why I got sick last year. Go to this website if you stuff your turkeys for important considerations on salmonella: http://www.fsis.usda.gov/OA/pubs/tbcook.htm You must check the temperature all over the bird before eating it. I got a file containing recipes that promises to put an end to the refusal to eat the stuffing. Write me if you want it. More than half suggest taking my own food and dealing with it. A close second is that I should either go to the future in-laws, or go to my sister’s but don’t eat there. Some said that some of family may have celiac themselves A few think I should simply turn the other cheek. A few said to try to educate them about the disease A few said eat before going then eat what I can there Selected comments: I am sorry to hear that your family is not willing to make a minor accommodation so that everyone in the family can enjoy the meal. Isn't that what sharing a holiday and being a hostess is? Being with family and making sure all your guest are comfortable? Take heart, you are definitely not alone. My suggestion is to firmly line up your priorities: You're first, everyone and everything is next. Your health is paramount; because without it, you are restricted and compromised. Convince yourself of this, then tell your family where you stand. You still love them, but your life and your health come first (always). I think, to say the least, that it is a huge shame that people cannot fix--once or twice a year--a meal that everyone can eat without making someone sick! I can only guess, but I don't think Dr. Laura would be too receptive to your families attitude. BTW there is a bread made by Food for Life and sold at Wild Oats, and some Natural food stores that should make good stuffing. One thing I have learned is most people are just ignorant until they have to deal with a similar situation. You should try to give them the benefit of the doubt, that they don't really understand how excluded you feel. What i love now about going to my sister's especially, is that this is one place in the world where i don't have to shlep food along, don't have to worry that mistakes will be made, and don't have to worry that my kids will feel "different". In my own experience I have been to parties/ meals where I was able to eat some of the food and therefore many of my friends have not realized how strict I had to be on diet until I went to a party/meal with them where I was unable to eat anything. This was when the real questions started, and I was able to explain to my friends the seriousness of my disease and how strict I had to be. Chances are that your cousins and in-laws will simply never care/remember if you do not have a close relationship with them and do not see them often. Your peace and happiness are your responsibility and you owe it to yourself to take the best care of yourself possible. And it is my problem, not theirs. I do want to get invited again Someone said to me that is more selfish of them to not accommodate when they can eat whatever they want 365 days a year. If they are not willing to accommodate your needs to be healthy, well, maybe you will see them for no-meal events. That thought alone would scare my Mom into action because every family event is a meal event in our family. Ask them to ask you questions and give them literature about how common the disease is and what is safe food for you…..If you do go to your sisters house, bring a full meal for you and make it a great looking meal. I wouldn't even mimic what she is making. I would make a fancy, eye dropping, GF meal. At least that way you will not get sick. Make it something great so they may start to realize that your food tastes great too. This is a hard enough diet, I don't expect others to know everything about it, but if they are not willing to accommodate your needs they shouldn't mind if you do not show up…..The sad part is that my friends are making a bigger effort than my family would ever make regarding making GF meals that I can eat too…..I just don't understand why people knowingly want to make a member of their family sick. They don't see the big deal and you can't see why it isn't a big deal. Suddenly what started out as a food etiquette question has really blossomed into "how can my family be so insensitive and uncaring". I am sure your family would not want you to feel so alone so here are my thoughts. In the end it is still just food we are talking about, not their love or support or caring. and the Holidays are not about food but about family. Enjoy your family steeped in traditions and eat what you can or bring your own. Years from now when you tell of family holidays you want to share storied of love and laughter and not whether or not you had gf stuffing. The food doesn't define the spirit of the Holiday or any other day, it is the feelings and I am sure there are still plenty of good feeling to go around. Be blessed by your fiancés mother and know that people are doing the best they can at the moment with what they have and know how to do. …we basically split it up, ok..so we can't eat the stuffing, but we make a wild rice dish that we can. And the food is mostly split up half and half. It's very hard, but usually, I end up making a favorite dish or two of my own so that there's something I can eat. I really don't expect everyone to totally conform for me, because I know I probably wouldn't be so willing myself. So if there is just one or two people, it's hard for everyone to change. We also try to spend our holidays and time off with my family and others who go out of their way to include him in meals. This is not because we will only eat with people who will cook for us. Not at all. We just feel it is only fair to spend our limited time with those people who care enough to go to that trouble for us. Bottom line is that some people get it and other don't. And, some never will & don't care.. Only worry about what is in your control & let the rest go. When it is your turn to do a holiday, make everything g.f. & wonderful. Lead them to believe it is food they can eat because it is. You can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives. And if given a choice, you wouldn't necessarily pick your relatives to be your friends. Tolerate them when you have to & be nice anyway. You can never expect anyone to understand or relate to your situation except for another celiac...but I don't put that burden on anyone else. It is up to me how I feel about myself and not what can be done for me because of it. I don't expect anyone to cater to my situation. I educate when I can and my family knows what it is all about. I stick to the items I can eat and pass over the ones I cannot. The most important thing is being with family. You are lucky you have one and someday they will not be with us anymore. We will only have the memory of the time we spent today on holidays and other special occassions *Support summarization of posts, reply to the SENDER not the CELIAC List*