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C-PALSY  February 2008

C-PALSY February 2008

Subject:

Re: humor/humour???

From:

"[log in to unmask]" <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

[log in to unmask]

Date:

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 14:29:21 -0500

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (151 lines)

Hahahahah At least the anthem would be easier to sing!

Kat

Original Message:
-----------------
From: Cleveland, Kyle E. [log in to unmask]
Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2008 07:58:07 -0500
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: humor/humour???


I don't normally pass "junk" email along, but this pushed my personal
laugh-o-meter high enough to justify the forward--  Kyle
____________________________________________________________


To the citizens of the  United States of America:

In light  of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President
of the USA and  thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your  independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen  Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths,  and territories (except Kansas , which
she does not fancy).

Your new  prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the  need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be  disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine  whether any of
you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown  Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate  effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English  Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation  guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing  it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping  half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix  -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to  acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same  twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you  know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication.

There  is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The  Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated  letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original  national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be  celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues  without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many  lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be  independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult  enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist  then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will  no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable  peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in  public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this  is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and  you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,  you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion  tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the  British
sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on  petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6US/gallon. Get used  to it!

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call  French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal  fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold  tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and  European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager.  
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are  also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for
them.

12. Hollywood will be required  occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be  required to cast English actors to
play English characters.

Watching  Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an  experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
cheese grater.

13.  You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper  football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be  allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but  does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full  Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
Rugby League - the South  Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
regularly thrash us.

14.  Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event  called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders,  your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face  the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.

15.  You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An  internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will  be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to  1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups,  never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in
season.

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