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C-PALSY  February 2003

C-PALSY February 2003

Subject:

Texas Chili Judges

From:

"Barber, Kenneth L." <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

St. John's University Cerebral Palsy List

Date:

Tue, 11 Feb 2003 15:49:38 -0500

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (116 lines)

this was sent to me by a friend  hope the language is not too tough for
gentiel ears (or eyes in our case).



They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to
town in Houston. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides,they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  everyone knows
the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me
on the back,now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be
kinkier than I thought.  Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili.

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