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C-PALSY  March 2000

C-PALSY March 2000

Subject:

Re: Ask A Wiccan...From "The Onion"

From:

"I. S. MARGOLIS" <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

St. John's University Cerebral Palsy List

Date:

Tue, 21 Mar 2000 14:15:20 EST

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (197 lines)

It's about time the Tithe were raised.  Especially given the competition
from wannabees.

Definitely Christ.  Most definitively Jewish.

Where do I send my donation?

S.

----Original Message Follows----
From: "Kyle E. Cleveland" <[log in to unmask]>
Subject: Re: Ask A Wiccan...From "The Onion"
Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 12:06:07 -0500

They also reported that He's not happy that people are giving less than 10%:


       "Historically, I have asked for no more than 10 percent of the total
earnings of my flock," said Christ in a 25-minute statement aired on
Christian television stations throughout the world, including Trinity
Broadcasting Network, Eternal Word Television, and Cristo Telemundo. "But
recent cost analyses by my accountants indicate that current donations from
my believers are not at this level and are insufficient to meet my earthly
financial needs."

       Christ underscored his point with an earning/expenditure chart
illustrating that in the first quarter of 1997, He listened to an average of
233 million prayers per day while collecting daily revenues of $6 million.

       "This works out to just two and a half cents per prayer, which barely
even covers my overhead," Christ said. "If this sort of fiscal imbalance
continues, I may have to answer even fewer prayers in the future."

       "In my Father's house are many mansions," Christ said. "They are not
cheap to maintain."

       Christ cited Warner Robins, GA, resident Willard Baines as a prime
example of the sort of tight-fisted follower with whom He is frustrated.

       "Mr. Baines owns a grain-and-feed business that takes in some
$800,000
a year, thanks in no small part to his faith in Me. Yet, last Sunday, he put
just a single dollar in his church's collection plate," Christ said. "If I
am not mistaken, this works out to a donation of just .00010052 percent of
his overall gross-adjusted income for the said fiscal period, a far cry from
the recommended 10 percent."

       "He also lusted after his niece on two occasions," the Savior said.

   Too funny!

-Kyle

-----Original Message-----
From: Trisha Cummings [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
Sent: Tuesday, March 21, 2000 12:04 PM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Ask A Wiccan...From "The Onion"


If it's "The Onion"  a satirical magazine at http://www.theonion.com/   it
is poking fun - I am not upset - they also Found Christ in a Potato.



 > I dont get it either. It looks like a lot of things Trisha has said. Do
you
 > think this was meant to be funny, or an actual column?
 >
 > ----------
 > > From: Kyle E. Cleveland <[log in to unmask]>
 > > To: [log in to unmask]
 > > Subject: Ask A Wiccan...From "The Onion"
 > > Date: Tuesday, March 21, 2000 10:38 AM
 > >
 > > Dear Wiccan,
 > > Our youngest child just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome =
 > > has
 > > really begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time for
=
 > > us to
 > > rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has left our household. Any
 > > tips?
 > > --Lonesome In Lodi=20
 > >
 > > Dear Lonesome,=20
 > > Blessed be! When forming your Coven, be mindful that it is very =
 > > different
 > > from performing your Workings as a solitary witch. Rituals involving a
 > > Gathering of pagans, led by a wise High Priest or Priestess, are much =
 > > more
 > > powerful through the Coven. Drawing down the moon, consecrating a =
 > > sacred
 > > bolline-knife and casting the scrying magicks alongside your
 > > widdershins-walking fellow-souls is not only a real and powerful =
 > > celebration
 > > of Nature, it is also a solemn and dignified Communion among our folk!
=
 > > The
 > > Lord and Lady smile upon the hour of your Circle's meeting, and may the
 > > Goddess grant that your path be true and your Craft blessed!=20
 > >
 > > Dear Wiccan,=20
 > > I'm a single man in his mid-30s who's never had much luck with women. I
 > > become very uncomfortable and awkward around the ones I'm interested =
 > > in.
 > > I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever seems
=
 > > to
 > > have any good advice. Can you help?
 > > --Shy In Cheyenne=20
 > >
 > > Dear Shy,=20
 > > Merry meet! All other dweomers being equal, the phases of Mother Moon =
 > > are
 > > the most powerful magickal influence upon any incantation you may =
 > > devise.
 > > The Goddess has charged our heavenly protectoress with the turning of =
 > > tides
 > > and seasons--astral as well as earthly--and as She waxes and wanes, so
=
 > > does
 > > the potency of our charms! In some of Her phases, the amethyst crystal
=
 > > can
 > > sharpen your sixth sense, and it may be twinned to your runestones, or
=
 > > even
 > > steeped in a healthful nettle-and-foxglove tea to aid in your
 > > scrying-spells. But beware! In other phases, the opposite is true, and
=
 > > using
 > > any crystal but the blood-tourmaline will rend your power from you or =
 > > twist
 > > your magicks along the Dark Path! So that you may step carefully, =
 > > consult
 > > with your circle's Elders before attempting any of the rituals or
 > > incantations of the Major Arcana. If your Elders are fasting, =
 > > meditating or
 > > Wind-walking, seek ye the 69 convergent Lunar phases in the grimoiries
=
 > > of
 > > our hallowed Sage, Wolfling SilverRaven. At the very least, please =
 > > consult
 > > your Tarot!=20
 > >
 > > Dear Wiccan,=20
 > > My son is probably just a normal 15-year-old, but he seems to want
 > > absolutely everything: CD players, video games, cellular phones--even a
=
 > > car!
 > > I want to be good to him and treat him to nice things, but I don't want
=
 > > to
 > > spoil him rotten. How much stuff is too much for today's teen?=20
 > > --Behind The Times In Trenton=20
 > >
 > > Dear Trenton,=20
 > > May Brigid bless your path! The Wiccan Rede entreats all of our =
 > > fellowship
 > > to do as we will, but remember: The most important law is to Harm None!
 > > Injudicious use of passion spells, Fascination-charms or love potions =
 > > to
 > > bind an unwitting being to your soul, whether human lover or feline
 > > familiar, is unworthy of even the Horn=E9d God! The person thus =
 > > ensorcelled is
 > > bereft of Freewill and becomes a mere golem without motivation of his =
 > > or her
 > > own. This is but a mockery of love, and if non-Wiccans find that we =
 > > have
 > > been practicing such strong and forbidden Magicks, their wrath would be
 > > kindled and the Burning Times upon us again! Wicca is not about power =
 > > or
 > > control. Wicca is the sun on one's face, the breeze in one's hair, the
 > > mysteries of the stars, sun, moon and everything else that science =
 > > cannot
 > > explain. Only by staying true to Goddess, Rede and Craft may we =
 > > harmonize
 > > with the ebb and flow of Nature's cycles. Stray from this, and we shall
=
 > > be
 > > exiled to the Dark Lands in a dark time! Blessed Parting, my brethren =
 > > and
 > > sistren!=20
 > >
 > > Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly =
 > > column,
 > > Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She is also
=
 > > the
 > > author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland Glades Of Upper
 > > Illinois, and has just released a CD, Blessed Morning!, a collection of
 > > Celtic chants accompanied by crystal Tibetan singing bowls

______________________________________________________
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