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C-PALSY  March 2000

C-PALSY March 2000

Subject:

Re: Re -suspected man bashing comments

From:

"Barber, Kenneth L." <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

St. John's University Cerebral Palsy List

Date:

Wed, 15 Mar 2000 09:06:27 -0500

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (375 lines)

I WAS NOT OFFENDED AT ALL BY THIS THREAD, I HAVE SAID BEFORE THAT DADS,
opps,
should get up at night with the kids for the "2:00 feedings." so the child
would know it had two parents. (if you remember, i said the exception was
brest feeding) LOL i hope that was apparent.

i forwarded the "moms" thimg to a lot of personal aquaintances. i did not
feel bashed. i however have a leather tough skin after 51 years with cp, the
joints are not all that is effected.

   my hope for the future is that all kids have two parents, but you single
parents seek a male role model or vice versa amoung those you know. both
sides needs to be modeled positively to each and every child.
   i want my son and daughter to know how men are supposed to act and how
women are supposed to act.

    just for good measure don't say negitive stuff about the offending
spouse/ex in front of the child. when they grow up they will learn for
themself that their dad/mom was/is a louse. my stepdaughter came to that
conclusion all on her own from her dealings with him, not from her mom and i
talking in front of her.

   off the box,

-----Original Message-----
From: Trisha Cummings [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2000 8:53 AM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re -suspected man bashing comments


Good Morning All,

       Deri's e-mail kinda made the fog clearer - what I said as =
oneliner - which we do a lot of ( and Ken seemed get) it seems a few =
people attributed to male bashing. here is the offending sentence - "I =
think most Dad's solve that problem by handing the kid to MOM"!! It was =
joke folks!!! Altho, I have seen it happen. I think its nice that Laura =
came riding in on her white charger to defend Man!  I think its faintly =
ironic - she was put out thinking I espoused a stereotype on men - while =
applying a stereo-type to me. Abused women bash men. I don't get upset =
when people tell dumb blonde (stereo-type) jokes, I don't get bent out =
of shape everytime someone mentions the word broom, and flying( =
stereo-type) in reference to being a Witch. I am really glad that in the =
few weeks she was able to get a clear reading on who I am ( my daughter =
thinks maybe you should give it a bit more time,tho) but must correct =
the male bashing. I was raised by 2 people - who did not want me, and =
where alcoholics - both of them where abusive - and to show that I am =
equal oppuurtunity basher I have included 2 e-mails from another list - =
I am defending the men against SAHM claims they don't do enough if =
anything to help when they come home. They where husband bashing - I =
felt bad for the guys on the list. Oh and some neat links for Dads. Oh =
and I also think - that the guys and gals on the list have the balls to =
defend themselves - if they feel it necessary. Everyone has good days =
and bad days, says dumb thing and gets misunderstood.  I have certainly =
gone the extra mile, in learning to understand people and treat them =
kindly regardless. Despite their treatment of me - I see still my =
parents, they get to see my kid - they even get her for an ocassional =
weekend. I recognize it is foolish to hold things agianst people or a =
group of people. My Mom survived WWII as a participant - ended up =
pregnant by an American soldier and accepted the responsiblity for a =
child she really didn't want. She married an American soldier - who came =
from an absmal family background and who fought in Korea at 17 and later =
in Nam. I long ago decreed - the violence and hatred - ends with me. =
This doesn't mean I don't ocassional have a bad day or don't need to =
express things - it means I don't let them the upper hand.=20


http://www.fathersworld.com/features.html  - Father's World
http://www.fathersjournal.com/  - A Father Journal
http://www.fathers.com/tfm.html  - Today's Father
http://www.fatherproject.com/  - The Father Project
http://www.scfn.org/ - The Single and Custodial Father's Network
http://www.vix.com/pub/men/single-dad.html - The Single Father Index
http://av.qnet.com/~rlewis3/index.html  - The Single Fathers Lighthouse

Re: Having a career & a special needs child

Hi All,
        A couple of thoughts on this as I have a career stuff !
        Everyone has bad days. Many people think the grass is greener on =
the
otherside - the grass is the same color - sorry. Its attitude that makes =
a
difference, and the ability to find the positive and focus on moving
forward, as opposed to being stagnant and focusing on the negative and =
being
unhappy. So, here are some thoughts from me - as a career person and =
single
parent.
        Anyone who has a spouse who does anything - needs to be thankful =
- I
handle all the stuff myself. From taking care of the house, to making =
the
money, to taking care of the kid and her special needs - I think rather =
than
be confrontational about the lack of help - perhaps saying thank-you =
this
allows me to to, and could you help by...... Quite frankly after a hard =
day
at the office - involved childcare is a bit over my head, and somedays =
we
eat zapped hotdogs off napkins, or call in pizza. I stilll find time to
clean my house (has to be done) ,do the yard work ( has to be done too),
handle Amber medical ( PT, consults, regular medical care,etc) and
educational ( IEP's, her concerts  and school nights) needs as well as =
doing
the routine mom stuff( bath help, girl scouts, church, running her =
around
with friends, mom/daughter stuff) we have pets - they need attention. I =
am
in a Master's program so I can afford to keep the roof over our heads
because without an education - I won't be able to compete in the job =
market
for more than a minimum wage job. Plus, when I can find childcare - I =
work
part-time. Perhaps one of you stay at home - married Mom's might like to =
try
this for awhile!!
        The really neat side effect to this is - I am very organized and =
can
regroup at the drop of pin, and improvise. I have found if you want
something done - give it to a busy person - they can always fit in one =
more
thing. So, I have circles at my house , teach Religious Education at the =
UU
Church, go on field trips - etc.
        There are any number of things you can do to broaden your =
horizons -
their are people looking for people to pay claims at home, data entry,
tele-marketing, stuffing envolupes. How about taking online course, or
evening course ( have hubby sit with child - ask very nicely) how about =
you
starting a group with other mom's that have special needs kids - so =
everyone
can have childcare when needed - a kinda co-op thing.
            There is nothing more important than raising the kids - =
perhaps
work at being a better house keeper, wife and mother - would be a good =
goal
also.

            Here is poem I have in eyeshot -

            I always defined myself by what I wasn't
                And I missed life's Moments
            I always wanted more
                And I missed life's Moments

            So Who Are You?
                  Define wo you are.
            Then be better,
                   Not more but better

        To the poor dads who feel they have to apologize. Lets remember =
if
you're wife stays at home- this is her job!!! Do you whine about your =
job
and how everyone in the office isn't helping you do it? I think not. If =
you
help in the pm's and take time off to help with visits and surgery, you =
are
doing fine.

        Here's a peom about adversity - A lesson worth learning!

One day a man found a cocoon of a butterfly.
When a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for =
several
 hours as it struggled to force its body through the tiny hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress.
It had gotten as far as it could and could go no farther.

So the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the =
cocoon.
The butterfly now emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small,
shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at =
any
moment, the wings would enlarge and expand, to be able to support the =
body,
which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life =
crawling
around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to =
fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was, that =
the
restricting cocoon, and the struggle required for the butterfly to get
through
the tiny opening, were nature's way of forcing fluid from the body of =
the
butterfly into its wings, so that it would be ready for flight once it
achieved freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were =
allowed
to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We =
would
not be as strong as we could have been. And we would never be able to
fly....

As you learn and re-learn to fly each day, keep this in mind.... =
...Soaring
is next!...

                                    Brightest Blessings - Trisha

And off course I had to do a follow-up - to a response  The truly =
hilaroius part about this after you read - it could have been yesterday =
becasue today - it s birthday cake day and I brought in 8 cakes and =
Amber had a chorus event - but this is actually from 6 months ago

GRIN!! The other day I wrote:
> ><<  To the poor dads who feel they have to apologize. Lets remember =
if
> > you're wife stays at home- this is her job!!! Do you whine about =
your
>>job and how everyone in the office isn't helping you do it? >>

        To which I got this very nice reply from someone.
>Do you stay at your office 24 hours a day?  When you begin sleeping at =
your
> >desk then this comment will begin to make sense to me.   I have been =
a 60
> hr a week working mom and I have been a stay at home mom.....when it =
comes
>to the husband helping there are more interactions involved than a
>simplistic....this is her job and this is his.
>Sorry, but children are not to be compared to your office =
work......family
> is not the same as office relations and keeping a marriage together is =
the
> duty of two people.


    To Which I say:
        Well, here's my two cents - she says slapping her forehead with =
one
open palm..

        How could I be so stupid, of course my job(carreer)  has no =
value
next to my family. How could I even think that paying the mortage and =
having
a nice home, in a good neighborhood - was a benefit for my child. Or
goodness that I can pay the electric bill, or the new car payment or =
even
the bils to repair the old one, or being able to buy and clothes and =
have
her go to concerts and --- my goodness let me run right up stairs and =
tell
Jeff - I am quitting so I can take care of daughter properly - granted =
we
have to live in homeless shelter and then Va can put us in filthy
neighborhood low rent apartment complex with a crime and drug problem, =
no
car, no money for activities but I willl be home all day for my child.

        Get real - the person who keeps the roof over your head, the =
food on
your table and allows the luxury of staying home with your child - =
deserves
at pat on the head and o not the insult of being told their contribution
isn't important or enough..  Did you know that the heart attack rate =
among
women went up when we became career people?   I know this because I have =
to
do both - I am full-time single mother - this means nobody - let me =
repeat
NOBODY else comes home from work and takes the kid off my hands, I work
fulltime - I worked very hard when I looked for a job to find one that =
had
flex hours, and work at home ability - so I could do the full-time =
worker
bee and full-time mommy job. I liked the stay at home mommy job - I half =
way
had that luxury when I was unemployed for two years - and I was single =
then
to. Piece of cake!! I once had a husband and we both both worked and =
managed
the house and kid - Super piece of cake.
    Life now is only a "cupcake" now which begins at 4am and looks =
something
like this - get  ready work, make sure I look professional by getting =
into
all sorts of restricting rediculous clothing and put goo on my face and =
curl
hair and spray into place - now being approprately armored - I kiss the =
kid
goodbye and remind her of things - and take off - one of the truly neat
benefits of leaving between 5:30 and 6am is there is little traffic. =
Arrive
at work - as its someone birthday - I baked them a cake last night and =
had
eveyone sign their card. Normal day at work - umteen phone calls, =
production
that needs to be run, bosses' that require placating and pampering. =
stand
alone computer that needs babing, and my PC with its quirksetc. No time =
for
lunch(ever) -  I eat at my desk - saves that extra 1/2 hour so I can get
home earlier. Leave between 2 and 2:30 - arrive home minutes before the
school bus drops of Amber. Amber needs to tell me her day and have a =
snack.
I load the dishwasher and listen. Since Amber is a hemi - she doesn't do
nice integration of both sides of her body and as usual pours the drink =
in
the glass, on the counter and the floor. Hand her paper towels so she =
can
wipe it up - make note to wash floor later. She has concert tonight  so =
she
must do her homework for tomorrow and I do her simple chores - water the
garden and flowers on the patio and feed the cats, and clean their =
litter -
while doing a load of laundry and starting dinner. Phone rings - boss =
wants
to know - what happened to the letter for..... tell him. Check mail and
answering machine - but bills aside to  pay layer and note who needs a
return phone call. Run down and toss laundry in dryer - Dinnertime - =
Amber
has dinner in front of the TV while I check e-mail and then join her - =
its
almost 6 - Amber need to get ready - I haul laundry out of dryer and =
decides
what needs to be hung up and what can survive being wrinkled - Amber =
needs
help getting dressed so - it will all wrinkle. 6:30 off to school for =
the
concert - I take along my school work so I can study while I wait. =
Concert
is lovely and I stay a bit longer so Amber can jabber with her friends. =
We
get home at 9 - its bath time for Amber - so I run her tub and help her =
with
her hair. Try to unload dishwasher and tidy kitchen while she finishes =
up
her bath - tuck her in - back to dishes, bills and return phone calls -
10:30 I get a quick bath and check on Amber - kiss her cute little =
snoozing
face beathing in her sweet Amber scent and get a sleepy smile and  I =
love
you Mom - I love you too Baby!! then hop in bed after all I do need to
sleep - just wish it was more than 5 hours!! Sorry I can't do the 24 =
thing -
guess your just a better a man than I am. Especially with your marriage
being a duty and all - I had always found mine a joy and a labor of love
just as caring for Amber is.  If you like you can walk in my shoes for
awhile - but mind you I also find time for friends - am Vice -president =
of
the my neighborhood Civic Assoc, go to school working on a Master's, =
teach
RE at the church, am someone's dutiful daughter, and Amber also plays
softball, is in girl scouts and is a teenager (almost) soi we have =
friends
drop by for slumber parties etc. I have a 4 bedroom - 2 bathroom,
multi-level house that only I am responsble for and also the car =
maintence
and the yard and the pets, oh yeah did we mention Amber medical and PT
visits. When stuff happens there is no shoulder to lean on. Sorry - if =
you
have a husband - pat him on his paunchy tummy or kiss the top of his =
bald
head and Thank Goddess - you don't have to do life alone and appreciate =
what
he does. And if you can't do that - then send him my way - and you do it
all!!
                            Blessed Be
                                Trisha

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