Guys and Gals, please enjoy this set of policies. They might help in better
managing our offices and businesses.
>Subject: MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
>
>MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
>NEW COMPANY POLICIES: SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE
>We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
>If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>SURGERY:
>Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
>you need all your organs. You should not consider removing
>anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed
>constitutes a breach of employment.
>
>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
>for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be
>made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
>In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
>be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
>through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided
>your
>share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
>YOUR OWN DEATH:
>This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
>notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
>REST ROOM USE:
>Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the
>future,we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
>For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10,
>employees whose names being with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on.
>If
>you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the
>next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
>swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing
>must
>approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
>limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound,
>the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open.
>PAYCHECK GUIDE:
>The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees
>better understand their paychecks:
>Item Amount
>Gross pay $1,222.02
>Income tax $244.40
>Outgo tax $45.21
>State tax $11.61
>Interstate tax $61.10
>County tax $6.11
>City tax $12.22
>Rural tax $4.44
>Back tax $1.11
>Front tax $1.16
>Side tax $1.61
>Up tax $2.22
>Down tax $1.11
>Tic-Tacs $1.98
>Thumbtacks $3.93
>Carpet tacks $0.98
>Stadium tax $0.69
>Flat tax $8.32
>Surtax $3.46
>Corporate tax $2.60
>Parking fee $5.00
>F.I.C.A. $81.88
>T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
>Life insurance $5.85
>Health insurance $16.23
>Dental insurance $4.50
>Mental insurance $4.33
>Reassurance $0.11
>Disability $2.50
>Ability $0.25
>Liability $3.41
>Unreliability $10.99
>Coffee $6.85
>Coffee Cups $66.51
>Floor rental $16.85
>Chair rental $0.32
>Desk rental $4.32
>Union dues $5.85
>Union don'ts $3.77
>Cash advance $0.69
>Cash retreats $121.35
>Overtime $1.26
>Undertime $54.83
>Eastern time $9.00
>Central time $8.00
>Mountain time $7.00
>Pacific time $6.00
>Time Out $12.21
>Oxygen $10.02
>Water $16.54
>Heat $51.42
>Cool air $26.83
>Hot air $20.00
>Miscellaneous $113.29
>Sundry $12.09
>Various $8.01
>Net Take Home Pay $0.02
>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide
>a positive employment experience. All questions, comments,
>concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
>insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
>consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
>Have a nice week.
________________________________________________________________________
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