Madiba,
Thank you for forwarding this piece.
I must say that the author of this piece might be right in some cases,as
those he mention,but the fact is that this is not mainly reason why women do
get married and I dont even believe that this is a big problem.There is also
the fact that there are men who get married for material reasons,so to say
this is not only a woman issue.If we are to look at this issue we will find
out that there are more serious problems that forced women to get married and
I believe that this are issues that needed more of our attention.
Generally we will find out that most women do get married out of love but
there are cases were women are forced to get married by their own parents out
of material needs or for the sake of recognition.And if you will agree with me
,we live in a society that is culturally dominated by men and they set the
norm of our choice of love.The least that happens is a mother to force her
daughter to married with some one whom she is not in love with.Mostly it is
our brothers,our fathers our uncles etc who do such things.
Again,the nature of our society is that if a woman did not get married at a
certain stage of her life she is look upon with a different eyes and have
different role in our society,that is to say little respect,such a situation
have forced many women to get married with some one whom they did not
love.Take also our religion,Islam.If a woman died without being married,she
could not be buried in a proper muslim way,normally what is done is that they
get some one who will marry her before the burial could take place.But a man
can died and be buried as good muslim without ever been married in his
life.Well you see Author ,so when you men complain that we get married for
material reasons,forgetting that you are the very people who set up the rules
of which we are bound to follow or else we are told that we are influence by
western ideas and or have no respect for our culture.Marriage becomes not only
an individual option but part of the social structures of the society. Let us
look at the issue,nearer home;
In The Gambia the payment of bride wealth is a contract reach by men. The
negotiation becomes a determining factor as to the real worth of the bride.
The male representatives of the two families concerned negotiated until they
reached an acceptable agreement. The bride wealth could be in form of cattle,
pottery, cash,etc. The groom's family, if rich and prestigious, might want to
show off and give very attractive offers,and again, if they believed what they
were acquiring was worth it.
Then again many people advance different reason for bridewealth payment.
SOme say it is a token given to the bride's family as a sign of appreciation
for a daughter so well brought up. Others say it is a symbol to strengthen the
bond between the two families. Yet others say it signifies the groom's ability
to cater and provide for his future wife and family. But if that is the case,
why the negotiation? Perhaps the cases mention in your forwarded piece,the
women involved were just doing the negotiation on their own without no middle
man,this will without doubt anger many men who will want a piece of the cake
!!!!
Yes there are men who will want to show that they are capable of maintaining a
wife by providing for her needs,and in our this society were women are just
women,finding it hard to get a job and are constantly reminded that they
belong to the house,produce children,feed their husband and then they are
incomplete until and unless they are owned by a man.In such a society getting
married to a rich husband becomes an important
preveledge,of which,off course,many are dreaming of today. Until we have a
society with the believed that marriage must be base on love and women be
recognize as human beings,the situation will have to continue this way, so the
issue is not a only a woman issue.
The Struggle Continues!!
Ndey Jobarteh
-----Original Message-----
From: Madiba Saidy <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask] <[log in to unmask]>
Date: 14 November 1999 22:41
Subject: WHY DO YOU WANT TO MARRY ?
>Hi Folks,
>
>Hmmmm......interesting!! However, I am neither endorsing nor repudiating
>the views expressed in it. Just forwarding it out as FYI.
>
>Cheers,
> Madiba.
>
>Sunday Vanguard: Feminique
>
>Why do you want to marry?
>
>
>The couple wedded traditionally last year. However, the supremacy of the
>"White wedding" has become an unfortunate reality in our cultural life.
>Perhaps, because of this notion, the girl felt half-married. If she had
not
>felt half-married, she wouldn't have insisted on stupid conditions that
has
>now cost her, her happiness.
>
>The guy from the point of view of society has a bright future. He is a
>struggling businessman who doesn't have to contend with looking after the
>extended family as he comes from a well to do family. The girl is from a
>middle class background. Both are from the East.
>
>A few months to the white wedding, she began to make funny demands. She
>wanted the guy to move from his Ikeja apartment. She wanted fried rice for
>the wedding instead of Jollof rice. She wanted a proper band instead of a
>police band. She doesn't want any family interference. She above all
wanted
>the guy to declare his assets.
>
>All these, in spite of the fact that each family member from the guy's
side
>had pledged to do something. The elder brother was going to be incharge of
>her wedding gown; a yard cost ten thousand Naira. The groom's mother was
>going to be incharge of getting the gift plates and so on. The sad thing
is
>that the marriage has been cancelled. Why? Because (as I feel) the lady
>never felt married; she obviously does not know the reason for marriage.
>
>She must have focused too foolishly on the material aspect of marriage
where
>the woman is supposed to be expensively taken care of. I find the
situation
>very unfortunate because this couple traditionally got married in 1978 and
>almost a year later the lady began to give unnecessary conditions.
>
>Sometimes, (some) women are the cause of their problems. If a woman is so
>fixated on riches and a man treats her as a material component without any
>spiritual essence; people will say the man is bad. It is not as if it is
>totally out of place to know the financial situation of your man, maybe as
a
>way of knowing how to move your family forward or simply how to comport
>yourself; but when you now behave as if that man owes you because he wants
>to marry you, it becomes ridiculous.
>
>All right, let us just suppose that the guy is also ruled by materialism,
so
>what happens to the marriage when there is no money to meet the high
taste?
>Marriage is acquiring a new definition in our modern world, your man for
>health reasons may not be able to make money for some time, and in that
case
>the woman takes over. Which is what "for better for worse" entails.
>
>A friend told me about this fair dame who does not hide the fact that she
>likes money. She even goes as far as boasting to her female friends on how
>she gets money from these guys. She is married now. Her husband gives her
>fifty thousand every month, but he is hardly around and there is even a
>rumour that the husband is dating her best friend. The husband, I
understand
>had on occasion told her that as far as he was concerned, he satisfies
her.
>
>Their marriage is just turning one. It is a very worrisome thing when a
>woman goes into marriage with the thought of perpetuating false values
>because of the love of money. Such women should not complain when their
>husbands treat them the way they ought to be treated: as decorated
>mannequins.
>
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