Realistic Guy - Part Two

By Baba Galleh Jallow

Dr. Choot Choot Hapati was an equal opportunity equalizer par excellence. No 
tree was too high to climb, no mountain too steep to scale, no river too 
deep to jump, and no head too elevated to knock if and when necessary. For 
him, all things are created equal and so much be treated equally. He 
recognized no superior virtues and entertained no higher thoughts for any 
single being. “To be a realistic guy,” he would tell our common townsfolk, 
“you have to able to stand shoulder to shoulder with any human being, even 
though he may be taller than you. And to be realistic guy, you have to show 
that you know what anybody knows, even when they have read more books or 
traveled more roads than you. That is one of the cardinal principles of my 
infallible philosophy of Lestek.”

It was part of Dr. Choot Choot’s philosophy of Lestek that he was no 
respecter of persons who pretended to be wise or liked to show that they 
were educated by talking too much about issues that were, as far as he was 
concerned, very simple. Why should anyone consider themselves less endowed 
than others? Why should anyone give other people greater respect than they 
give themselves? Why should anyone place somebody else on a high pedestal 
while they remained down low below? Such behavior was definitely unrealistic 
and unworthy of his learned self. And he had the perfect plan for dealing 
with such persons if conditions become, as he would call it, “rather 
squatty.”

“When conditions are rather squatty,” he would tell our amazed townsfolk, 
“there is a simple way of dealing with it: you simply squat and gape and 
wear an expression of great awe and wonder and pretend that the other person 
is sitting high on up and you are down low below. The important thing is 
that in your mind, in your own unique mind of minds, you are standing neck 
to neck or even above the neck of that person who pretends to be better than 
you. This is part of the reason why I told you about the capacity to be 
everywhere AT THE SAME TIME – just one part, mind you; just one tiny part.” 
As the dynamic force of this powerful insight hit their dazzled minds, our 
common townsfolk would open their mouths and gasp for air and let out long 
streams of Ahaaaa, nnnnnn, unhu, unhu, accompanied by slow and somber nods 
which made their heads bop like a fleet of black buoys floating on the 
distant sea waves. Thus encouraged, Dr. Choot Choot Hapati would go right on 
ahead with his great lecture.

“Ahhh,” he would sigh. “You guys don’t even know what it means to be 
realistic. But one thing you must know: you must be able to say one thing 
and mean quite another. You must be able to talk about rats while you mean 
hippos, and talk about hippos while you mean rats. You have to have what I 
would call a realistic mind. Aah! What does it matter anyways? If the hippo 
thinks you mean the rat and the rat thinks you mean the hippo who emerges 
the winner? Is it not you – YOU – the realistic guy? Which is also part of 
the art of being everywhere AT THE SAME TIME. See? The pieces of my 
realistic philosophy of Lestek are beginning to fall into place, if you see 
what I mean.” At this point, our common townsfolk would be so impressed with 
the mental prowess of our good doctor that some of them would jump up and do 
a few steps and tap him on the back and call him master and cool eye. For 
when he was thus engrossed in expounding the complicated yet simple tenets 
of his realistic philosophy of Lestek, the eyes of our great Dr. Choot Choot 
Hapati would grow wide and cool, and sparkle red with the wine of ancient 
wisdom mingled with the light of great book learning that was his most 
conspicuous attribute. For Dr. Choot Choot was a great darling of Bacchus, 
the Greek god of wine, although that was one realistic piece of information 
he would never let anyone share. “My love affair with Bacchus,” he always 
said to himself, “is a realistic affair that must be kept realistically 
hidden from the unrealistic eyes of the world.”

And when situations get rather squatty, Dr. Choot Choot Hapati knew just the 
trick to play to avoid the unrealistic eyes of jealous midgets seeing his 
great love for Bacchus: he would squat several feet away from the hippo rat, 
hopping from one spot to the other, always making sure that he was on the 
direction of the blowing wind, so that no one would smell the magic whiff of 
Bacchus that surrounded his person. And no, his wide and starry cool eyes 
never gave him away because people always knew that was the light of wisdom 
and modern book learning. At such realistic moments, Dr. Choot Choot Hapati 
would wear a kind and humble look in his eyes, his thoughtful head tilted 
this way or that, his arms humbly clasped together, humbly nodding and 
groaning, asking one gentle question after another. But in his great mind of 
minds, he was always standing neck to neck with whoever thought that he was 
anywhere above him. No one – and he meant NO ONE – could ever be allowed to 
stand taller than the great Dr. Choot Choot Hapati of Lestek fame. Why? 
Well, simply because he was a realistic guy. “Nyakadisse?” he would say. 
“Lestek.”

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