Hey Chris I am not sure what to say to all of what yo7u said but I will and
am praying for you to have peace.  Try reading the christmas story or try
thinking of birds and or sometihng awesome that God has done.  I know that
isn't always easy I'm just trying to suggest some things that might help
take your mind off things for a bit.

Lelia


----- Original Message -----
From: "Chris Gilland" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, December 16, 2003 1:19 PM
Subject: Re: majorly upset


> Thank you once again.
>
> I certainly do appreciate it.  I gotta admit, right now, my mind, and
heart
> both are extremely cold, not toward  anyone specificly, but I must admit
> that I do still really have a major broken heart.  Even talking to my
barber
> today, which I could a sworn would a helped, didn't.  This is a season for
> good tithings of joy and good cheer, so I can't understand why i'm not
able
> to snap out of this.  I mean; I know it's not always that simple, but the
> fact is:  that every minute, I'm seeming emotionally to deteriorate.  I
> mean, my strength to hold on is really going down hill.  my medical
problem
> I wrote about the other day is still an issue, better, yeah, but still no
> where near gone...  and then these two other situations, especially the
one
> with jessica;  I almost just can't bare it.  I know in my heart, that if I
> could be granted the oppertunity to totally fall apart and totally break
> down in tears it would help, tremendously, but I just can't seem to make
the
> tears come.  Again, I know that crying is something that you can't just
> make.  Either it comes naturally, or it doesn't.  I mean, sure! if you
feel
> the erge, then you can force it in order to make it come on quicker, but
> that doesn't mean that you can just simply say, o!  I'd like to cry and
then
> bing, bang boom, you're histerical.  It just doesn't work that way...  I
> know that as the old saying goes:  there's a silver lining behind every
> cloud, but, that is so cold...  I had an old V I teacher say that to me
once
> with another problem which even to this day still scars me; and when she
> said that, o man!  I gotta hand it to yall:  I wanted, to, kill, her.  I
> real? lee? want, tid, to kill, her.  i didn't though obviously...  I
tolder
> later, Mrs. Jerome, you can't begin to know how much you hurt me...
corse,
> then she's like, O!  I hurt you? Young man?  W'w'well!  What about what
you
> did to me!  Look at all the nasty things you wrote in your braill 'n speak
> journel!  you better be sorry!  And You better not ever! bring it up
again!
> I'm like, w'w'w'w'w'w'w'wo!  Hold it!  Now, you hold it right? there!
> Firstly!  i! didn't bring that topic up.  You? can! only? blame? yourself
> for that.  Secondly:  Did I give you permission to go through my personal
> documents in the first regard?  No!  I? told? you:  to print out my
history
> assignment since I couldn't get it to work...  There was no? excuse in you
> reading all? 11 pages of my journel!  That? was un? called for!   So as
far
> as me bringing it up? again?  I, beg? your parden? Madam? but you? will
not!
> talk to me with such disrespect!
>
> Point is:  she was extremely rude.  That statement though:  has shuttered
my
> mind ever since...  I just don't understand why other people always are so
> easily understood, yet for me:  no one! really much seems to understand
> me...  now, I'm not necessarily refering to you all by that, in fact:  I'm
> flat out not...  It's not you all at all...  I'm talking more about
physical
> friends in whom I've known face-to-face for almost my whole life... Like
> Hope, we'll just use for example...  When someone else comes to me upset
or
> with a problem, I always have been told to be so caring and understanding.
> I'm not a psychologist, and i'm not trained either.  It's just a gift that
> God has blessed me with.  i as a Christian do not talk, and will not talk!
> luck.  That isn't even a word as faras I'm concerned.  I tend to call it
> more blessed.  i do have extreme hope and faith that my sweet Jesus, will
> get me through this, but man, what am I supposed to do!  I mean, gosh...
> i'm not purposely trying to woarro here, but seriously:  I mean it!  What
> 'em I supposed to do!  I obviously can't just go on living my life toiled
> and naired...  Totally in anguish...  I can't be like the old song sais:
O
> sacred head, now wounded: with grief and shame layed down...  And as the
> next part continues:  I do!  Feel now, scoarnfully surrounded...  i'm an
> only child, so I don't really have any brothers, or sisters, except for
> spiritually.  So, my internet, and phone, really have became my whole
life!
> Without them:  I would! have no friends other than God...  This is why I
> often say how much you all mean to me...  I know I don't say it on the
list
> very much, but i know a lot of you all off list, I'm quite confident I've
> told:  in case though I haven't:  I will now:  It's true:  I love you all
so
> much...  I honestly don't know what I'd do without yall.  I'm not sucking
up
> either.  I mean it from the bottom rock of my ladened heart...  There are
no
> strings attached to this mail; just the one to my soul...  All I ever
could
> ask is for friends, and i know that you all have adiquitly supplied me
> plentiful on that, but i dunno:  i have Christ as my savior, I have you
all
> as friends:  other than my parents, I have a very good family, a very
loving
> home, well, loving in that it's a warm place with a roof over my head,
still
> though:  something's missing...  I can't put my thumb on it though...  I'd
> usually say it's the acceptance of God, but I can't, as I know that I
know,
> that Christ is my personal Lord and Savior now, and forever more...  So...
> what else could it be!
>
> I dunno...  i'm rambling.
>
> Yall take care...
>
>
> Chris.
>