Oh Rhonda,
My heart really goes out to you.  I"m glad that some music
helped.  Maybe your new church family will be able to help in other
ways, eventually as well.  I just keep praying for you guys.
Kathy


At 03:49 PM 1/1/2006, you wrote:
>I see your point, it is a major loss.  I think that a lot of it is not
>feeling useful anymore,  a man puts a lot of his self worth on being a
>provider, and since Ben doesn't have a job anymore he feels badly about
>that.  But the Social security disability check comes from money he has put
>in the system from 20 years of working! I do try and encourage him, and yet
>allow him some time alone at times.
>I do so hate it when Christians who mean well say "Give thanks in
>everything" as if someone should be truly greatful for all he is going
>through!  Sure God has a plan, and He hasn't left us when we feel
>discouraged, or depressed, but putting someone under condemnation doesn't
>help at all!
>Thanks for your message.  I'm feeling better today, church was  good, music
>always makes me feel better.
>Rhonda
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: Echurch-USA The Electronic Church
>[mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf Of Kathy Du Bois
>Sent: Sunday, January 01, 2006 3:43 PM
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: when someone you love is depressed!
>
>Rhonda,
>          This could be discouragement, it could be depression or it
>could be grief over all he has lost.  You two have gone through so
>much this past few years.  You've moved more than twice.  Ben has
>changed jobs and lost the last two in ways that are really hard for a
>man to take.  then, on top of all that, there are the medical
>issues.  There is a lot to grieve over here.  You guys are carrying a
>very heavy load.
>          I guess that what jumped out at me immediately is the idea
>that there is grief here.  You know, in our American culture, we do
>not allow people the time that they need to grieve their loss and
>readjust.  I'm not saying that you are guilty of this, but in
>general, it is true.  Someone loses their spouse and often too soon,
>their friends are trying to get them back into the dating scene.  I
>think that the older and more eastern cultures had it right when they
>made a widow dress in black for a year and take the time to really
>mourn the loss.  If we lose a limb, or grow old, we're just supposed
>to buck up and deal with it and not think about what we used to be
>able to do and miss it.  We're just supposed to keep moving.  Often,
>this expectation is the worst in Christian circles where people
>misquote 1 Thessalonians 5:18 and tell the sufferer to give thanks
>for all circumstances instead of "in all circumstances."  There is a
>big difference, you know.
>          You have lost a lot too.  It would be really hard on our
>family if Greg suddenly lost his sight.  It's nice to have someone
>who can drive a car, especially because I live in an area that does
>not have affordable, mass transit.  Life would be so much harder than
>what it already is and I'm sure that it has become much harder for
>you because you have actually had to face that situation head on.
>          Also, men like to be providers.  Ben probably feels very
>inept in that department right now.  Is rehab  a possibility for
>him?  Is he interested in going back to school for anything?  I do
>think that it would be good if Ben could focus on the things that he
>can still do, but he may not listen to you as well as an outsider on
>this point.  I"m not saying anything against Ben here.  I just know
>that people often listen to outsiders more seriously than they do
>their own family members.  Even Jesus recognized that one.
>          I hope that Brad comes out of lurk mode soon.  He may have
>some really good suggestions for you since he has experienced
>something somewhat similar here.  I just know that sitting and
>stewing and dwelling on himself is probably the worst thing that Ben
>can do.  Maybe you guys could just start taking walks
>together.  You'd be surprised at how exercize can really help.
>Kathy, who is done being a cheer leader now!    I'm really praying
>for you guys, Rhonda and I pray that life starts turning around for
>you soon!  Honest!
>
>
>At 05:49 PM 12/31/2005, you wrote:
> >Maybe it's a little of both,  some days it seems to bother Ben more than
> >other days that he can't see well enough to drive, or go anywhere  by
> >himself, or just the two of us.  I feel sad sometimes too,  while I gained
> >back a man I love and am glad to  be with, his sight was also mine...
> >We've been through a lot these past few years,  bad times, and good,  I
> >guess this is just an adjustment, a major one at that.
> >It's just hard to see someone you care about feeling so down,  the thing
> >they want most, the thing they desire most is to be able to see enough to
> >drive and work like they did before, and I am powerless to do anything
>about
> >that.  While it is true I have always been blind, sometimes I too wish I
> >weren't.  Guess the major difference is I didn't choose this,  diabetes is
> >such a bad disease, if it is not strictly controlled it can cause soooo
>much
> >damage.
> >Rhonda
> >
> >-----Original Message-----
> >From: Echurch-USA The Electronic Church
> >[mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf Of Phil Scovell
> >Sent: Saturday, December 31, 2005 3:01 PM
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: Re: when someone you love is depressed!
> >
> >Rhonda,
> >
> >It is best to try and figure out first, if the feelings are really
> >depression or deep, or strong, discouragement.  Discouragement is
> >circumstantial and depression is retrospective.  Discouragement can look
> >like depression so it can be confusing about what to do.
> >
> >Phil.