I only half way know why, but not totally, but for some reason, I'm feeling
majorly depressed.  I don't even know of sad, as I said in the subject even
totally fits.  I guess more anger and hurt would describe it better.  For
one, I'm really hurt as I believe I may have just majorly made a dear friend
of mine somewhat angry.  Well, OK, maybe not even angry, but at least
irritated.  I just don't get why so many people lately have been slamming
down on me, sota speak, more so than usual.  I'm doing my best to be
everyone's friend, but appaerently to some, not all, but some, it's not
adiquit enough of a try.  It was about this time 4 years ago that Hope
stopped speaking to me... I've told most of you all about her, and my
friends all who know her have told me, that they can't see why I am holding
such shame and anguish inside still after four years.  The truth though is,
the more and more time that goes by, the more and more badly it hurts.  I
mean I feel like some wildabeat or something.  Everyone says it's not my
falt, but I may know that in my head, but I can't convince my heart of it.
I can't even pray about it as every time I do I literally get so sick that I
up chuck.  Yes, I mean it, that's being very literal.  It devastates me
literally that badly.  So, there's that, then there's my thoughts, which
most if not all yall know about...  Then too, the fact that I can't get in
touch with my cousin on the phone and I'm worried sick about her for some
bazaar reason.  I know she's fine and I shouldn't be...  Talk about being
paranoid!  Bottome lined point, is, I'm overwhelmingly depressed and lonely
right now.  Yes, Kristin has helped having her here some, don't get me
wrong, but with her level of comprehention, it's difficult for her to take
all this in and total relate and understand how to best help.  Yes, I know
you all will pray, but really if any of you all would not mind it, could
someone of you all get with me off list, and send me your number.  I just
need to talk with someone and get some of this off my chest.  Even if it
were just half an hour of us talking to an hour at most.  I have long
distance, so don't you all worry about that.

My personal e-mail address is as follows:

[log in to unmask]


If you are scared that your number may get intercepted along the way, and
you wanna be more secure about it, then e-0mail me on my own personal e-mail
server.  That address is:


[log in to unmask]


I'd rather you all use the Earthlink address though if possible as it's
easier for me to check.


Chris.