'Twas the Night Before Christmas

- Written by the Government.

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout the place of
residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic
rodent known as Mus musculus (mouse).  Hosiery was
meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood
burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the
honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their
respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing
subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated
fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.
My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion
of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of
dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my
place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise
source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers
sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar
brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent
crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar
meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical
sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus
Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient
and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was
indeed our anticipated caller.  With his ungulate motive power
traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous
velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly,
expelled breath musically through contracted labia,
and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective
cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them
to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which
structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each
of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant
achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry
by way of the smoke passage.  He was clad entirely in animal
pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of
carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
thereof.  His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely
to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in
a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of
engaging amiability.  The capillaries of his malar regions
and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which
suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the
coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus
avium, or sweet cherry.  His amusing sub - and supralabials
resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular
and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece
whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput,
were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.
His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed
audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in
the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container.  He was, in short, neither more nor less than an
obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of
whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to
refrain from so being.  By rapidly lowering and then elevating
one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side,
he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the
aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his
aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face,
placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of
leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating
(in reverse) the smoke passage.  He then propelled himself in a
short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion
of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered
quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a
movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing
portions of a common weed.  But I overheard his parting
exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation
beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary
constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable
period between sunset and dawn."