In a message dated 12/11/1999 1:48:24 AM Eastern Standard Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:

<< I'll second your notion on Deri.
 I just read your prior post on your second Fire Depart "experience" and
 Deri's reply.  I wonder why you absorbed the trauma and brutality and
 didn't fight back.  You were being tested and taunted by bullies.  You
 were being discriminated against. threatened, and harassed because of
 your sex.  Why didn't you sue or file a discrimination complaint?  Why
 didn't you "confront" the ringleaders, stand your ground.
 I'm not trying to be critical or give a lecture.  I honestly don't know
 what I would have done were I in your position.  What I'm trying to
 understand is what happened to your personal power and your class
 consciousness.  Were you really so helpless and fearful?

I never said I didn't fight back.  Every day was a fight.  I went through my
chain of command, I filed a 22 page affidavit with the EEO, and I used every
bit of power at my disposal to combat that situation.  When the culture of an
organization is such that discrimination is ignored, the person who is being
victimized is not going to find help.  Blinders are standard issue in that
organization.  I finally requested a congressional investigation.  The
Commanding Officer (Dept. of the Navy) lied in his response, and that was the
end of the investigation.  By that time, I was unable to fight any longer.
Believe me, I did all that I could do and I didn't have a blasted shred of
help in this -- not from anyone.  Trust me, I can look at myself in the
mirror.

 I also don't see what occurs now to bring up the feelings you dread.
 New circumstances, same feelings?  Then you may need to deal with the
 feelings if they're not based on circumstances.   Some of this has to do
 with you, not the circumstances, how you feel and respond to aspects of
 circumstances.

Let's just say that I regret posting what I posted Steve.  I don't talk about
this otherwise, and I'm sorry I made an exception in this case.

 Powerlessness, vulnerability, and disability intertwine.  I've no easy
 answer here.  I've dealt differently at different times.  I try to let
 fear inform, not rule, me.  Sometimes I maintain the balance, sometimes
 not.  Not easy, no  rose garden (besides, they have thorns).
 Perhaps like you I'm in the process of finding and building the new me
 out of the ashes of the old.  That's why I've become more the hermit,
 because my old outerwear doesn't fit, and I'm still learning how to make
 what's left work.  I even get some of your symptoms when my naked spinal
 cord decides to fry my hands and feet.  Sometimes my body's alive, other
 times numb and drooping.  None of my limbs move as before.  It's taken
 years and the hulk little by little gets stronger and gives me the
 energy to face the day.  When I venture out all's pot luck.  Guess I
 still get the chance to tell the tale.
 Just keep moving where you want to go.  You'll get there.
  >>