`probably be a improvement.
--- "Cleveland, Kyle E."
<[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> I don't normally pass "junk" email along, but this
> pushed my personal
> laugh-o-meter high enough to justify the forward--
> Kyle
>
____________________________________________________________
>
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America:
>
> In light of your failure to nominate competent
> candidates for President
> of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
> give notice of the
> revocation of your independence, effective
> immediately.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
> resume monarchical duties
> over all states, commonwealths, and territories
> (except Kansas , which
> she does not fancy).
>
> Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint
> a governor for
> America without the need for further elections.
>
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
>
> A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
> determine whether any of
> you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown
> Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
> English Dictionary.
>
> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the
> pronunciation guide. You will
> be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
> pronouncing it.
>
> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such
> as 'favour' and
> 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
> 'doughnut' without
> skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will
> be replaced by the
> suffix -ise.
>
> Generally, you will be expected to raise your
> vocabulary to acceptable
> levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
>
> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed
> with filler noises
> such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable
> and inefficient form
> of communication.
>
> There is no such thing as US English. We will let
> Microsoft know on
> your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
> adjusted to take
> account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
> elimination of -ize. You
> will relearn your original national anthem, God
> Save The Queen.
>
> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
> holiday.
>
> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues
> without using guns,
> lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so
> many lawyers and
> therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
> independent.
>
> Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not
> adult enough to
> sort things out without suing someone or speaking to
> a therapist then
> you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>
> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own
> or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit
> will be required if
> you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are
> crap and this is for
> your own good. When we show you German cars, you
> will understand what
> we mean.
>
> 8. All intersections will be replaced with
> roundabouts, and you will
> start driving on the left with immediate effect. At
> the same time, you
> will go metric with immediate effect and without the
> benefit of
> conversion tables.
> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
> understand the British
> sense of humour.
>
> 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
> (which you have been
> calling gasoline)-roughly $6US/gallon. Get used to
> it!
>
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
> you call French
> fries are not real chips, and those things you
> insist on calling potato
> chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are
> thick cut, fried in
> animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
> vinegar.
>
> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
> beer is not actually
> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter
> will be referred to
> as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
> provenance will be
> referred to as Lager.
> South African beer is also acceptable as they are
> pound for pound the
> greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be
> due to the beer.
> They are also part of the British Commonwealth -
> see what it did for
> them.
>
> 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
> English actors as
> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast
> English actors to
> play English characters.
>
> Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in
> Four Weddings and a
> Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
> removed with a
> cheese grater.
>
> 13. You will cease playing American football. There
> is only one kind of
> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you
> brave enough will, in
> time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
> similarities to American
> football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
> every twenty seconds
> or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of
> nancies). Don't try
> Rugby League - the South Africans and Kiwis will
> thrash you, like they
> regularly thrash us.
>
> 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is
> not reasonable to
> host an event called the World Series for a game
> which is not played
> outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are
> aware that there is a
> world beyond your borders, your error is
> understandable. You will learn
> cricket, and we will let you face the South
> Africans first to take the
> sting out of their deliveries.
>
> 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been
> driving us mad.
>
> 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector)
> from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
> acquisition of all
> monies due (backdated to 1776).
>
> 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with
> proper cups, never
> mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
> cakes; strawberries in
> season.
>
> -----------------------
>
> To change your mail settings or leave the C-PALSY
> list, go here:
>
>
http://listserv.icors.org/SCRIPTS/WA-ICORS.EXE?SUBED1=c-palsy
>
>
____________________________________________________________________________________
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.
http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs
-----------------------
To change your mail settings or leave the C-PALSY list, go here:
http://listserv.icors.org/SCRIPTS/WA-ICORS.EXE?SUBED1=c-palsy
|
