Ten Keys to Successful Parenting
It is important that we discipline in a way that teaches responsibility by
motivating our children internally, to build their self-esteem and make them
feel loved. If our children are disciplined in this respect, they will not
have a need to turn to gangs, drugs, or sex to feel powerful or belong.
The following ten keys will help parents use methods that have been proven
to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.
1 - Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)
Your child's self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you
spend with him-not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives,
we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of
putting 100% focused attention on what our child is saying to us. We often
pretend to listen or ignore our child's attempts to communicate with us. If
we don't give our child GEMS throughout the day, he will often start to
misbehave. Negative attention in a child's mind is better than being
ignored.
It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong.
They just are. So when your child says to you, "Mommy, you never spend time
with me" (even though you just played with her) she is expressing what she
feels. It is best at these times just to validate her feelings by saying,
"Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together."
2 - Use Action, Not Words
Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a
day! No wonder our children become "parent deaf!" Instead of nagging or
yelling, ask yourself, "What action could I take?" For example, if you have
nagged your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then
only wash socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than words.
3 - Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful
If you don't, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to
help them feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them
choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook all our part of a
meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash
vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we
can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.
4 - Use Natural Consequences
Ask yourself what would happen if I didn't interfere in this situation? If
we interfere when we don't need to, we rob children of the chance to learn
from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do the
talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too
much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don't bring it to
her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.
5 - Use Logical Consequences
Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a
natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are
effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the
behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to
return his video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only
create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for
him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off
the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.
6 - Withdraw from Conflict
If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or
speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell
the child you will be in the next room if he wants to "Try again." Do not
leave in anger or defeat.
7 - Seperate the Deed from the Doer
Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your
child recognize that it isn't that you don't like him, but it is his
behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have
healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter
what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him.
When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child's self-esteem?
8 - Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time
Suppose you have told your five-year-old child that if she isn't dressed by
the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car.
She has been told she can either get dressed either in the car or at school.
Make sure that you are loving when you pick her up, yet firm by picking her
up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask
yourself, did I motivate through love or fear?
9 - Parent with the End in Mind
Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as
soon as possible. We are looking for the expedient solution. This often
results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that
keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more
thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, if we spank our child, he will
learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up.
10 - Be Consistent, Follow Through
If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when she gets
to the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your
child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.
This document is produced by the International Network for Children and
Families and the 350 instructors of the "Redirecting Children's Behavior"
course.
INCAF Certified Instructors teach the Redirecting Children's Behavior course
year-round at schools, churches, and community centers throughout the United
States and the world. If you or your organization are interested in
scheduling a class, talk, or training session, you can contact your local
certified Instructor <experts.html>, fill out our handy on-line Information
Request Form <form1.html>, or call toll free 1-800-257-9002.
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