Jeremy,
First of all, don't let her in your house to do the extra bits. Tell her
you will let her go next time she calls you love or dear. Sometimes when
one of my helpers is being motherly, I'll say something like "YES MOTHER"
to drive home the point.  I think you'd do best to hire somebody else,
closer to your own age.

Mag

Tamar Magenta Raine
[log in to unmask]

Oakland Mayor's Commission on People with disabilities


> [Original Message]
> From: Jeremy Persen <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Date: 2/25/2004 3:31:39 PM
> Subject: Dealing with personal care attendants (long)
>
> Hi,
>
> I have a few questions about Personal Care Attendant's that I was hoping
someone here could help me
> with.  In New Zealand they are called "carers", I think PCA is the term
used elsewhere.
>
> I posted a message here about 6 months ago asking for advice about making
the decision to get help
> with showering and dressing in the morning and got a fantastic response.
It has been working
> really well and let me keep working without feeling constantly exhausted.
It helped having two
> carers who really respected my space and dignity and knew where the
boundaries were while I was
> getting used to help in the morning.  They were both older than me, but
close enough in age that we
> could still relate well to each other.  I am a 29 year old male (with
CP), by the way (-:
>
> Unfortunately, both have left, and I now have a carer who is twice my
age, and older than my
> parents and I am struggling with it.  She does a reasonable job, mostly
(I think I do a better job
> shaving myself!), but it is the little things like trying to get her to
use my name instead of
> calling me "love" or "dear" that are getting to me.
>
> There are other "mothering" type situations developing as well, which
isn't something I want with a
> carer.  If the carer starts doing favours, coming in on their own time to
do extra cleaning and
> stuff, inviting me to their home for coffee, I feel like I owe them or
something, and I feel
> uncomfortable asking for help with the things that I really need help
with.  Does this make sense
> to anyone?
>
> I have explained what I expect in terms of using my name (preferably
Jeremy, not Geoffrey, argh!)
> instead of "dear".  She is good about which tasks I need help with and
which tasks I do myself.
> Some of the other stuff is harder to convey, I have thanked her for the
offers of extra help for
> now, but won't take her up on it.  Next time I will explain that I need
her to be a carer, and for
> me that means backing off the "friends" type stuff.
>
> I admit that I am not comfortable having someone older than my parents
help shower and dress me.
> It is weird.  If that's ageist, fine, I can live with that label.
>
> In a way it feels petty complaining about these relatively minor things,
but, this is my house, my
> body and my life, and right now I am not comfortable with this carer.  I
have agreed to trial it
> for a while.
>
> Has anyone else had carers that were a lot older than them?  Did it work
out?  If not, what did you
> do?  Am I over reacting to the situation?  Any thoughts would be
appreciated.
>
> This has ended up being a long email, if you made it this far, thanks!
> Cheers,
>
> Jeremy
> ------------------------------------------------
> Jeremy Persen, Nelson, New Zealand
> Email: [log in to unmask]
>
> Zaphod: "I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered."
> Ford: "Oh yeah, you go to pieces so fast that people get hit by the
shrapnel."