Parenting a young child is a challenging task for new parents. From the time
the baby arrives, parents want to do the right things. One big worry parents
often have is whether they are spoiling their child. It's common for parents
to ask, "If I let him have what he wants, am I spoiling him?" Relatives and
friends have been known to say, "You're going to spoil that child if you
always pick her up when she cries!"

But, what does it mean to be spoiled? Most people agree that a spoiled child
is self-centered and demanding, inconsiderate of others, and unpleasant to
be around. The classic spoiled child sees himself and his needs as more
important than anything else and does everything he can to get what he
wants. In this publication, we will talk about the kinds of things young
children do that make parents wonder if they are raising spoiled children.
We will also talk about how you can encourage your children to behave in
ways that are self-confident rather than self-centered, cooperative rather
than controlling, and considerate rather than demanding.

Can I Spoil My Baby?
Some people believe that comforting a crying baby will just encourage her to
cry more. This is a myth - babies cry for a reason! A baby cannot feed
herself or calm herself when she is hungry or in pain. Her cries are signals
that she needs help. You cannot spoil your infant by meeting these needs. In
fact, prompt attention to their needs gives babies confidence that their
world is safe and predictable. Many people are surprised to learn that
babies whose parents respond promptly to their cries actually cry less than
other babies.

Some people believe that parents who drop everything in order to comfort a
crying infant teach a baby that he is in charge and can control his parents.
This is also a myth. The fact is that babies are unable to think about how
their behavior affects their parents. They cannot think about getting what
they want like older children and adults do. Babies are dependent upon the
good will of their caregivers. When parents respond to their babies' genuine
needs for comfort and care, they are not spoiling their children. They are
building a good foundation for the capable, caring people their children
will become. As babies mature physically and socially, parents' expectations
need to change. Because parents have responded sensitively to their needs
during the hrst 3 to 6 months, babies are better able to calm themselves in
some situations and may not need the same kind of care as when they were
younger. A fussy 7-month old, for example, may not need to be picked up and
carried around when he cries. Instead, he may be able to calm himself if
he's given a toy to play with or the opportunity to crawl around on the
floor. As the baby grows, you will want to be on the lookout for the growing
number of things that he can do for himself. Try to avoid getting into a
habit of doing things for your children that they can do for themselves. No
matter how skillful babies become at doing things for themselves, however,
they have some needs that only others can satisfy - plenty of love,
attention, and affection. Babies thrive on the kind and loving attention of
their caregivers.


In fact, research tells us that parental warmth and affection is very
important to how children develop physically, mentally and socially. What
can you do to show warmth and love? Here are a few suggestions.
Hold your baby.
Rock him.
Cuddle your baby.
Play with him.
Talk to him.
Give your baby lots of love and attention.
Can you think of any others?

Spoiled Children Or Growing Children?
Sometimes adults think children who do unpleasant or annoying things are
spoiled. But what adults see as bad behavior may simply be normal behavior
for a child at that particular age and developmental stage. For example, it
is not unusual for a 2-year-old who can't have some-hing she badly wants to
throw a tantrum. This is unpleasant and irritating, but it does not mean the
child is spoiled.

Children do things that are irritating and obnoxious. Throwing tantrums,
ordering people around, and testing the limits parents set for them are just
normal ways young children behave at times. A toddler, for example, is just
beginning to use his improving language and physical skills to meet his own
needs. His attempts may be pretty clumsy, but understanding parents see the
annoying aspects of their toddler's attempts at independence as part of
growing up. They see the tantrum as a sign of a frustrated child, not a sign
of a spoiled child. Wise parents recognize that with time, patience, and
parental guidance young children learn more acceptable ways of communicating
and getting their wants and needs met.

Too Little Attention Can Cause Spoiled Behaviors
While it is true that very young children may behave poorly because they
don't yet have the skills to act otherwise, some things parents do may also
contribute to poor behavior. Even as children grow and are able to do many
things for themselves, they never outgrow the need for their parents'
positive attention. Be generous with the time and encouragement you offer
young children. They benefit from hearing about your good feelings and
positive attitudes. Such attention makes a child feel accepted as a person.
Your warmth and affection will also encourage your child to respond more
positively to your guidance.

Children who don't get enough positive attention may try to get it in ways
that irritate their parents - tantrums, whining, and clinging. It may be
hard for adults to understand, but to young children, the attention of their
parents is so important that even the attention of an angry parent is
preferable to not being noticed at all.

If you are worried that your children are spoiled, ask yourself about the
kinds of attention you give them. Do you spend a lot of time telling them
what to do or not do? Do you give children positive attention when they are
well-behaved? Parents who find themselves focusing on the negative things
children do also need to notice them when they are happy and occupied. For
example, "Denise, that's a tall building you've made!" "Son, you look like
you are really enjoying that book." Take time to appreciate something about
your children each day. For example, "Sondra, I notice you have a real
talent for ending things." "William, thank you for keeping your toys picked
up."

Regularly offering kind words and attention removes the need for your
children to demand attention in less acceptable ways. If you would like more
ideas for giving your child positive attention, other publications in this
series may be helpful. See especially Extension Circular HE681, "Enjoying
Each Child As An Individual," and Circular HE-684, "Building A Positive
Relationship With Your Child."

When Too Much Attention Causes Spoiled Behaviors
Sometimes children act spoiled when parents do too much. Don't continue to
do things for your children that they can physically do for themselves. For
example, most preschool-age children can dress themselves, brush their hair,
and put their own toys away. To do these things regularly for children
teaches them to feel they deserve such service all the time. Few children
learn to show appreciation for these efforts. Instead, they often become
impossible to satisfy, thinking there is no limit to what they can demand.
Parents who feel exhausted and unappreciated may find that they have made
their children dependent on them. In that case, you need to encourage
children to do as much as their age and abilities allow them. Wise parents
will do this in a step-by-step manner, starting out with suggestions that
the child and parent complete the task together. As children understand what
is expected of them, parents can remove their help little by little. It will
take some one, but you can teach children to gradually become more
self-reliant.

Not Setting Limits Can Cause Spoiled Behaviors
Some parents who may be very good at allowing their children to be
independent may not be good at setting clear and firm limits for behavior.
Children easily discover rules that can be broken if their protest is long
and loud enough. Parents allow this to happen for different reasons.
Some parents just want to avoid the hassle of a conflict with their
children. It's easier for them to let the rules slide than to deal with the
fuss.
For other parents, it is hard to refuse their children anything, because
they don't want them to be unhappy. These parents think "unhappy children"
equals "bad parents."
Still others are afraid their angry children will not love them, The fact is
that children want to know that their parents are in charge; they need
structure and limits.

Parents who set rules and then do not enforce them very often have children
who think that rules don't apply to them. Not only are these children hard
to live with, but they may be disliked by other children and put at a
disadvantage when they enter school. Caring parents firmly and fairly
require their children to follow rules that have been made clear ahead of
time. Doing this encourages responsibility in children and teaches them not
to hurt or behave disrespectfully to others. If you would like to know more
about setting limits and rules for young children, another publication in
this series, Extension Circular HE-719, "Helping Young Children Behave,"
will give you more information.

For young children, learning the rules takes patient guidance from parents.
Remember, it's harder for a child to follow the rules when he is sick,
tired, hungry, or finds himself in an unfamiliar or exciting, new
environment. Parents' expectations in these situations need to be more
flexible. It may take longer to put a child to bed if he is sleeping at
grandma's house. A child may fight more with others if he is feeling ill or
cranky. It is still appropriate to expect the child to go to bed or that he
not hit others when angry, but in these situations understanding parents
will recognize that they need to take a more active role than usual to help


children do what is expected.

Good Parenting Behaviors Avoid Spoiling
Raising children who are self-reliant, cooperative, and considerate rather
than spoiled is a challenging but rewarding process. Parents who succeed
know how children grow and what to expect of their children at different
ages. They are able to respond to their children's genuine needs for care
and comfort. They recognize when the limits they set need to change.

Good parents know how powerful their positive attention, affection, and
support is to their children's willingness to be cooperative. They also
recognize how important setting limits and simple rules is for helping young
children to understand and do what is expected of them.

Knowing all these things is important. But even wise parents find that it's
not always easy to know if they are doing the right things every time.
Parenting is a balancing act that asks you to decide many things at once.
How much attention and how much discipline does my child need right now?
Whose needs should I meet first? How will what I do now affect what happens
later? Sometimes you will lose your balance. You will make mistakes. The
important thing is not to be perfect, but to learn a little more and do a
little better the next day. Be patient with your child and with yourself. In
time, your steady guidance will help your young child grow into a
responsible and considerate youngster.

Ellen Abell, Extension Family and Child Development Specialist, Assistant
Professor, Family And Child Development