Betty,

I'll second your notion on Deri.
I just read your prior post on your second Fire Depart "experience" and
Deri's reply.  I wonder why you absorbed the trauma and brutality and
didn't fight back.  You were being tested and taunted by bullies.  You
were being discriminated against. threatened, and harassed because of
your sex.  Why didn't you sue or file a discrimination complaint?  Why
didn't you "confront" the ringleaders, stand your ground.
I'm not trying to be critical or give a lecture.  I honestly don't know
what I would have done were I in your position.  What I'm trying to
understand is what happened to your personal power and your class
consciousness.  Were you really so helpless and fearful?
I also don't see what occurs now to bring up the feelings you dread.
New circumstances, same feelings?  Then you may need to deal with the
feelings if they're not based on circumstances.   Some of this has to do
with you, not the circumstances, how you feel and respond to aspects of
circumstances.
Powerlessness, vulnerability, and disability intertwine.  I've no easy
answer here.  I've dealt differently at different times.  I try to let
fear inform, not rule, me.  Sometimes I maintain the balance, sometimes
not.  Not easy, no  rose garden (besides, they have thorns).
Perhaps like you I'm in the process of finding and building the new me
out of the ashes of the old.  That's why I've become more the hermit,
because my old outerwear doesn't fit, and I'm still learning how to make
what's left work.  I even get some of your symptoms when my naked spinal
cord decides to fry my hands and feet.  Sometimes my body's alive, other
times numb and drooping.  None of my limbs move as before.  It's taken
years and the hulk little by little gets stronger and gives me the
energy to face the day.  When I venture out all's pot luck.  Guess I
still get the chance to tell the tale.
Just keep moving where you want to go.  You'll get there.
Hugs.
Steve
-----Original Message-----
>From:  Betty Alfred <[log in to unmask]>
>Subject:       Re: hostility toward PWDs
>Date:  Thu, 9 Dec 1999 21:21:38 EST
>
>Thanks Deri-you're a gem!  I appreciate the attention you gave my post.
>Those things are not easy to talk about-even now.  My first firehouse
>was
>a different story entirely and we were a cohesive organization.  It was
one
>of the greatest experiences I've ever had.  One of the things that kept
me
>going in the second department was that I already knew what a good
>experience
>was supposed to be like. I also had the confirmation from my former
>department that I had earned my badge.  I'm not sure how things would
have
>worked out if the second experience had been the first.  I do know that
>before I got there, other women had come and gone quickly.  I think
those
>guys were using the same tactics on me that had worked before.  But
that
>was
>my career.  It was an investment of the heart and I wasn't about to be
>driven
>out.
>
>Sometimes I drove to work in a mentally detachment state.  I can really
>remember this now.  I was almost outside of my own head if that makes
any
>sense.  It was a way to survive whatever they were going to do to me
that
>day.  It worked but I didn't realize that it would be with me this
long.  I
>tell you now, I didn't think I'd live this long because of them.
>
>So...now I am forced to confront these feelings again.  I can, I must,
I
>shall.
>
>Betty

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