In a message dated 02/18/2000 1:05:23 PM Eastern Standard Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:

<< The research I quoted also discusses at length "difficult" and "easy"
 parents, difficult being similar to fractious, I presume. Yes, and "easy"
 child and a "difficult"
 parent are like matches and spilled gasoline, very flammable.
  >>

I was a very difficult child, but my parents disciplined me in other ways
than spanking.  The discipline took the form of something that related to
what they wanted me to learn.  It usually was something that made me realize
that my actions affected other people's lives, and if I hurt someone, that
was the thing that was stressed.  It usually lasted over a period of time --
it was like community service.  When I was too young to understand that the
world didn't revolve around me (I think Piaget said that lasts up until 4 or
5 -- can't remember), my biggest infraction was running away from my parents,
according to my Mom now.  They solved the problem by using one of those
children's harnesses.  I don't want to use the word leash, but I'm told it
worked.  It must have, I wanted to be my Dad's shadow every day until he
died.

After he died he wasn't much fun anymore, and I quit hanging around him so
much
(it's okay -- he would have laughed if he knew I said that).

I had an incredibly independent spirit, and I don't think spankings would
have solved discipline problems as much as they would have fostered other
problems.  This is an academic discussion for me now, but I feel in my heart
that they pursued the right course with me.  I was inquisitive; I was into
everything.  But they nurtured that spirit.  I don't doubt that they
sometimes wanted to throw me into the Potomac River, but somehow they didn't.


There was something in the article Trisha shared that I am thinking about
too.  I can't remember exactly what it said but it had to do with instilling
shame in the child for a mistake.  It seems to me that shame is an internal
issue that comes secondary to knowing right from wrong and learning what it
means to hurt another person.  I'm not sure you can instill shame, but if the
child learns to feel for another person, if he does something to hurt that
person and is made aware of that hurt, won't the shame naturally follow?
This is not a rhetorical question.  I'm not a parent and I've never raised a
child.

This is only my personal experience, I know that, but I'm really glad that my
parents weren't spankers.  I don't think I've ever seen a more high-spirited
child than I was.

Betty