I dont get it either. It looks like a lot of things Trisha has said. Do you
think this was meant to be funny, or an actual column?

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> From: Kyle E. Cleveland <[log in to unmask]>
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: Ask A Wiccan...From "The Onion"
> Date: Tuesday, March 21, 2000 10:38 AM
>
> Dear Wiccan,
> Our youngest child just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome =
> has
> really begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time for =
> us to
> rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has left our household. Any
> tips?
> --Lonesome In Lodi=20
>
> Dear Lonesome,=20
> Blessed be! When forming your Coven, be mindful that it is very =
> different
> from performing your Workings as a solitary witch. Rituals involving a
> Gathering of pagans, led by a wise High Priest or Priestess, are much =
> more
> powerful through the Coven. Drawing down the moon, consecrating a =
> sacred
> bolline-knife and casting the scrying magicks alongside your
> widdershins-walking fellow-souls is not only a real and powerful =
> celebration
> of Nature, it is also a solemn and dignified Communion among our folk! =
> The
> Lord and Lady smile upon the hour of your Circle's meeting, and may the
> Goddess grant that your path be true and your Craft blessed!=20
>
> Dear Wiccan,=20
> I'm a single man in his mid-30s who's never had much luck with women. I
> become very uncomfortable and awkward around the ones I'm interested =
> in.
> I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever seems =
> to
> have any good advice. Can you help?
> --Shy In Cheyenne=20
>
> Dear Shy,=20
> Merry meet! All other dweomers being equal, the phases of Mother Moon =
> are
> the most powerful magickal influence upon any incantation you may =
> devise.
> The Goddess has charged our heavenly protectoress with the turning of =
> tides
> and seasons--astral as well as earthly--and as She waxes and wanes, so =
> does
> the potency of our charms! In some of Her phases, the amethyst crystal =
> can
> sharpen your sixth sense, and it may be twinned to your runestones, or =
> even
> steeped in a healthful nettle-and-foxglove tea to aid in your
> scrying-spells. But beware! In other phases, the opposite is true, and =
> using
> any crystal but the blood-tourmaline will rend your power from you or =
> twist
> your magicks along the Dark Path! So that you may step carefully, =
> consult
> with your circle's Elders before attempting any of the rituals or
> incantations of the Major Arcana. If your Elders are fasting, =
> meditating or
> Wind-walking, seek ye the 69 convergent Lunar phases in the grimoiries =
> of
> our hallowed Sage, Wolfling SilverRaven. At the very least, please =
> consult
> your Tarot!=20
>
> Dear Wiccan,=20
> My son is probably just a normal 15-year-old, but he seems to want
> absolutely everything: CD players, video games, cellular phones--even a =
> car!
> I want to be good to him and treat him to nice things, but I don't want =
> to
> spoil him rotten. How much stuff is too much for today's teen?=20
> --Behind The Times In Trenton=20
>
> Dear Trenton,=20
> May Brigid bless your path! The Wiccan Rede entreats all of our =
> fellowship
> to do as we will, but remember: The most important law is to Harm None!
> Injudicious use of passion spells, Fascination-charms or love potions =
> to
> bind an unwitting being to your soul, whether human lover or feline
> familiar, is unworthy of even the Horn=E9d God! The person thus =
> ensorcelled is
> bereft of Freewill and becomes a mere golem without motivation of his =
> or her
> own. This is but a mockery of love, and if non-Wiccans find that we =
> have
> been practicing such strong and forbidden Magicks, their wrath would be
> kindled and the Burning Times upon us again! Wicca is not about power =
> or
> control. Wicca is the sun on one's face, the breeze in one's hair, the
> mysteries of the stars, sun, moon and everything else that science =
> cannot
> explain. Only by staying true to Goddess, Rede and Craft may we =
> harmonize
> with the ebb and flow of Nature's cycles. Stray from this, and we shall =
> be
> exiled to the Dark Lands in a dark time! Blessed Parting, my brethren =
> and
> sistren!=20
>
> Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly =
> column,
> Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She is also =
> the
> author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland Glades Of Upper
> Illinois, and has just released a CD, Blessed Morning!, a collection of
> Celtic chants accompanied by crystal Tibetan singing bowls