In a message dated 12/09/1999 4:48:56 PM Eastern Standard Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:

<< Many people offer to help, and part of the reason they offer is
 the expectation of receiving increased self esteem, i.e. it makes
 them "feel good" about thermselves.

 To reject such help obviously leads to disappointment and is seen
 as an attack, so a petulant riposte is an understandable
 reaction.
  >>

It is understandable, given the nature of that line of thought.  After the
"F.U." incident though, I was reluctant to be around people for a while.  The
history would be post traumatic stress disorder from the second fire house
where I worked.  I never talk about it, but they didn't want a woman there so
for three years I tolerated death threats and other things.  They would call
me at home to try to scare me.  I lived alone and it worked too.  One of the
guys told me right to my face that they could kill me in a fire and it would
look like an accident.  Some of it was physical too.  I got physically pushed
around -- a guy urinated in my food -- things like that.  One thing or
another seemed to happen on every single shift from the first day.  They did
terrible things to try to get me to leave but none of that worked.  When I
left it was to move up and not away, but it really took a psychological toll.
 I thought that was long in the past -- that was over ten years ago -- but
some of the things that I've experienced in the past couple of years seems to
have brought it back.

Once in a blue moon people will ask me what it was like to be a firefighter
and I just don't know what to tell them.  I'll talk about the first fire
department, which I think is more representative of the fire service in
general, but I hardly ever tell the truth about the second one.

To be honest, when I see that somebody is the way you are describing, it
really scares me.  If they wanted to hurt me, I don't know if I would be able
to defend myself.  This is the only thing about having a disability in this
society that I haven't been able to come to grips with.

I hope this was okay to share.  I've been keeping this in.

Betty