A 6 year old boy was found floating in the Atlantic Ocean today after
being
set adrift from Israel on a giant matzoh.  The boy, Eliat Ginsburg, and
his
mother, set out from Israel in an attempt to reach the Jewish Homeland,
Miami. They started out in a small boat, the S.S. Shanapunim, which
capsized
when the American captain forgot that ocean waves near Israel go from
right
to left. Eliat's heroic mother quickly pieced together the matzoh-raft
and
put him on it, then drowned under the weight of her gold jewelry. Her
last
 words to her son were reported to be
"Don't marry a Shiksa. She'll eat your HEART out. (glug) (glug)."

Eliat was soon picked up by a passing Gefilte fishing boat, and taken to
Miami, after a quick nosh, a nice piece cake, whatever. There, he was
turned
over to the custody of his closest relatives, his great uncle, L'Chaim
Ginsburg, and his 21 year old female cousin, M'shugena Ginsburg.  He
moved
into their home in a Retirement Community on a golf course.

Shortly thereafter, his father, Jacob Moses Ginsburg, who was still in
Israel, was notified. He almost plotzed, and was taken to the Plotz Unit
of a
nearby hospital, where he was given a chicken soup capsule and released.
He
then demanded to come to the U.S. to bring his son back. Since it was
Friday
night, he walked to Miami.

However, Eliat's Miami relatives opposed the way he was being raised in
Israel. They claimed that in Israel, he had no freedom, no rights, no
tennis
lessons. Neighbors gathered around the Miami relatives' house to prevent
the
authorities for taking him away. They held up signs that read

"Stay away! Every one of our sons are lawyers and they're single, too if
you
know a nice girl." Meanwhile, they plied the boy with gifts to show him
how
wonderful it was in America. He was given a Video game which was
promptly
taken away because it could take an eye out. He was then given a dreydl
and
played "Find the Afikomen" with his little cousins.

When the father arrived in Miami, he was greeted by federal officials
who
warned him not to go to the Miami house, because it was dangerous. He
responded, "What danger? There's no danger in Miami!"

The Jewish media pounced on this story with all it's power. Headlines
read
"LITTLE BOY PLAYS OUTSIDE WITHOUT A SWEATER." Talk shows posed questions
like: "What's more important, parenthood or politics?" "What if an
American boy was held in Israel?" "Where can you get a nice sandwich in
Miami?" "Guess how much I paid for this?" It was ugly.

The boy's cousin, M'Shugena, became his primary caretaker, because she
had
no job, no kids, no husband and no skills. The situation took a toll on
her. Neiman Marcus and Loehmans's called to see why she hadn't been in.
Unbeknownst to her, the federal government was planning a secret rescue
operation, known as "Operation Circumcise", to remove the boy from the
house and cut him off from his family. Just then, it happened. To get
into the area unnoticed, they arrived in a van cleverly disguised to
look
like a Chinese food delivery truck, and stormed the house. Neighbors
came
running like a vance when they heard the code word "trafe". Hundreds of
neighbors poured into the house in an attempt to prevent the boy from
being
taken, but they were slowed down by their need to kiss the mezuzah each
time they entered. But a trap was set for the agents. To slow them down,
M'Shugena had poured slippery chicken fat all over the floor. But the
neighbors, armed only with menorahs, were no match for the agents and
their
weapons. The boy was taken to the waiting van, which would speed off to
re-unite him with his waiting father, after making a few more
deliveries.