Read this in our local paper: The Columbus Dispatch (alias "Columbus
Disgrace", "Columbus Dogpatch", and on and on...).  One family owns the
paper and they make no bones about where they stand editorially.  Dave is
about their only saving grace.  He is too funny!

-----Original Message-----
From: Kathy Salkin [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
Sent: Wednesday, July 03, 2002 10:57 AM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: A Funny Column - Dave Barry


From my favourite columnist, Dave Barry, published 06-30-2002:

Owner's Manual Step No. 1: Bang Head Against the Wall

The topic of this column is a recent Washington Post story stating that
manufacturers of appliances, computers, cars, etc., want to know why
Americans
don't read their owners' manuals.

WARNING: THIS COLUMN IS INTENDED FOR READING PURPOSES ONLY. DO NOT USE THIS
COLUMN AS A TOURNIQUET.

One big reason why consumers don't read manuals is that the typical manual
starts out with 15 to 25 pages of warnings, informing you of numerous highly
unlikely ways in which you could use the product to injure or kill yourself.

WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS COLUMN WHILE WATER-SKIING. DO NOT SET FIRE TO THIS
COLUMN IN A ROOM FILLED WITH HYDROGEN.

The typical consumer's reaction to these warnings is: ``What kind of moron
would do THAT?''

The correct answer to this question is: ''A wealthy moron.'' Because the
reason these warnings exist is that somewhere, some time, some consumer with
the IQ of a radish actually DID one of these bizarre things, and got a
lawyer,
and sued, and a jury made up of people whose understanding of economics is
based entirely on grocery coupons decided, what the heck, $300 million
sounds
about right, but let's not tell the judge right away because first we should
order a pizza.

So every year there are more huge product-liability awards, and every year
manufacturers have to put more warnings in the owners' manuals, and every
year
the radish-brains come up with newer, more innovative ways to injure
themselves. There will come a day when every product you buy will come with
an
actual living lawyer inside the box, sealed in plastic; as soon as you break
the seal, the lawyer will emerge and start preparing your product-liability
lawsuit. (This system is feasible because product-liability lawyers are
spore-based organisms who can survive for years without air.)

Another reason why consumers don't read manuals is that products today have
TOO MANY FEATURES. (I know, I know, I've complained about this before. So
sue
me.) We -- and when I say ''we,'' I am speaking for every human being in the
world -- do not want a lot of features. In fact, for most products, we
really
want only two features: the ''on'' feature, and the ''off'' feature.

An example of a feature that we do not want is ''picture in picture.'' This
feature allows you to watch one channel on most of your TV screen, while
another channel appears in a little box in the corner. The salesman always
makes a big deal out of ''picture in picture,'' and the manual always
devotes
pages to how you use it.

Except you don't use it. I have never seen any actual human consumer use the
''picture in picture'' feature, because (a) nobody remembers how it works;
(b)
it's annoying to have two pictures on the screen; and (c) it's hard enough
to
find ONE thing on TV you want to watch.

The third reason why consumers don't read manuals is that many consumers are
men, and we men would no more read a manual than we would ask directions,
because this would be an admission that the person who wrote the manual has
a
bigger . . . OK, a bigger grasp of technology than we do. We men would
rather
hook up our new DVD player in such a way that it ignites the DVDs and shoots
them across the room -- like small flaming UFOs -- than admit that the
manual-writer possesses a more manly technological manhood than we do.

And then there are some people who simply do not NEED manuals. I refer here
to
my son, who, like many young people, can immediately grasp how to operate
any
technological object, no matter how complex. Give my son 15 minutes in the
space shuttle, and he will figure out not only how to launch it into orbit,
but also how to make it play really hideous ''hip-hop'' music loud enough to
shatter passing asteroids. (And please do not tell me that sound does not
travel through space. ''Hip-hop'' music travels through everything).

So what does all this mean? It means that if manufacturers want us to read
their manuals, they need to take a few simple, common-sense steps: (1)
Deport
all the product-liability lawyers to Iraq; (2) Get rid of ''picture in
picture''; (3) Include nothing in the manual except simple, clear, minimal
directions, printed on photographs of tennis star Anna Kournikova naked.
These
steps will greatly improve consumer knowledge, and reduce unfortunate
mishaps.
You may now place this column over the wound.

(NOTE TO MANUFACTURERS: Make sure it really IS Anna Kournikova, or you will
be
sued.)