Has your mom seen a psychologist ?  Sometimes people who have went through
what she has just went through make them depressed.
My father-in-law has went into depression after having to retire due to
physical illness. He has had a disease for a long time that slowly hardens
the bodies organs, have no clue what it is called.  Before he retired he was
chief of cardiovascular surgery at a VA hospital.
He is now on O2 24/7 and has to have an injection of medicine straight into
his heart everyday.  My mother-in-law is having to take care of him, she is
also a physician, and wanted to retire this year but now can't.  She is also
suffering from this and just recently had a small heart attack but did not
tell anyone about it.  My husbands father gets so depressed that he doesn't
come out of his room for weeks at a time, even when we were there for the
Holidays he spent more time in his bedroom instead of with his grandchildren
who he doesn't see but once a year.
I think being elderly and then not being able to take care of themselves
anymore makes them very depressed.  Try looking into finding a psychologist
that might even make home visits to speak with your mother.
Deborah mom of 4
-----Original Message-----
From: Betty Alfred <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask] <[log in to unmask]>
Date: Wednesday, February 23, 2000 9:36 AM
Subject: Taking care of sick relatives (kinda long)


>Hi all!
>
>I just had a thought to ask you if you've had the problem I'm having now.
On
>the surface, it might sound petty, but it's been getting to me.  Can I
whine
>for a minute here, and then ask if you've ever had a similar problem?
>
>As most of you know, I've been trying to take care of my Mother since she's
>been out of the hospital for colon cancer surgery.  This has not been an
easy
>task, since I have major physical issues of my own, particularly with
>fatigue.  Nevertheless, we've managed somehow.
>
>Unfortunately, my Mom has not been trying very hard to get back on her
feet.
>She was supposed to be coming downstairs and doing things from the first
day
>she was home, but she didn't venture down the stairs for nearly two weeks.
>She finally came down yesterday, at the insistence of the visiting nurse
who
>could see that I just couldn't take anymore.  I've been carting meals
>upstairs three times a day, and not even getting decent meals for myself as
a
>result.  I've had to let a lot of things for myself go.  As a result of all
>this, I now have pain most of the time in the one place that I didn't have
>pain all the time: my arms and shoulders.
>
>I would be a little more sympathetic toward my Mom, but she has made me
drag
>her through the process of knowing that she was ill, finally going to the
>doctor, then finding out that she waited too long to go.
>
>She has not done anything to help herself without making me push her after
>she has complained sufficiently so that I finally said, "Mom, either you're
>going to do something about this or not.  I can sympathize with your
physical
>pain and your fear of the future, but if you don't make some decisions for
>treatment, I really can't help you."  I'm afraid she will suffer in the
long
>run, but she has really taken me apart physically and psychologically this
>winter.
>
>She has treated me like I'm a bit of a villain, and my friends who have
come
>to visit and be kind to her haven't been treated much better.  Trisha has
>gone above and beyond the call of duty in this regard, and has brought my
Mom
>presents, visited her in the hospital, etc., etc.  But I don't think my Mom
>has been very nice to her either.  This really chaps my you-know-what (I
>speak figuratively since I'm a "goil") because Trisha and Amber have been
>terrific friends to her, and I love them.
>
>So, now that I've vented, I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through
>something like this and how you've handled it?  I am starting to be up
front
>with my Mom about this attitude toward people who are being nice to her,
and
>how she needs to get off her duff and start helping herself (kindly -- I'm
>not saying cruel things to her), and that seems to be making a difference.
>But really, she has been acting like I'm terrible for not becoming
>"undisabled" for the duration of her physical issues.  It's quite a slam to
>me because I really do feel like I've done everything within my power to be
>helpful.
>
>Thanks for letting me vent -- hoping to hear your story.
>Betty
>

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