In a message dated 4/6/2002 3:48:58 PM Eastern Standard Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:


> We all love Betty. She's definitely one of us., and her view of the
> world (as someone who has been steadily moving from abled to the
> "dis" world), has opened my eyes on more than one occasion.
>
> Cheers
>
> Deri
>
I'm honored Deri, thank you.  That's what I say about you too.  My eyes have
been opened about many things.  There are so much I never though about
before.  I'm not talking about disability issues, necessarily, as much as
general topics that come up on the list.

It's about disability and loss too though.  I'm so fiercely independent.  I
have not taken these losses as well as I would like the world to believe.  I
want to be in a fire again, I want to know that again, but it's over and I
hate that it's over.

Now, when somebody treats me like an idiot I want to pound them into the
ground.  It's usually somebody who doesn't know jack about life too, isn't
it?  "Where the hell were you when I was doing CPR on a dead kid with his Mom
looking on, and we all knew he was dead but did it all right so she wouldn't
have to wonder later if everything that could have been done had been done?"
Things like that change you forever.  Too many things like that and there's
nobody but fireman you even want to talk with anymore.  I want to scream
things like that to people who see me now and think those stupid things you
all know they think.  There have been times when I've actually wanted to do
violence.  I went nuts over that long term friend who started treating me
like a child.  "Now honey (the way and in the voice you would use to correct
a temperamental child's bad behavior), lecture, lecture, lecture."  Now
honey?  NOW HONEY?  F*CK YOU!

That's when I could come here.  Make no mistake, you've done some parenting
with me.  For all I know, you've kept me out of jail.  Without a doubt,
you've kept me out of the nuthouse.

It's hard to be physically vulnerable and have to deal with people like that,
the whole system and everything.  This is taking a lot more self discipline
than the fire department ever took.  That was about knowing that you one day
might have to die in horrible circumstances, but people look up to you for
the most part.  At least, nobody ever tried to do an exorcism on me to rid me
of the demon of firefighting.

This is about living well in sometimes horrible circumstances, without most
people realizing that it's not your disability that makes life hard as much
as it is the way the world is constructed.  This is a lot harder.  Keeping
your dignity like this is a hell of a lot harder.  You all do it damned well,
and I'm more grateful to each of you than I know how to say for helping me
through this.

I was just playing at life before, but this is the real thing.

Betty