Dealing With Power Struggles
By Karan Sims
Most parents first experience their child's attempts at autonomy at about
age two. They feel challenged and often a battle of wills begins that lasts
throughout childhood and the teen years. Parents can turn these trying times
into a rewarding growth period for them and their children by shifting their
perspective concerning the child's behavior and by becoming clever and
creative in responding to the child's perceived "headstrong, rebellious,
stubborn, frustrating, negative" behavior.
Empowering not Overpowering
Instead of viewing children's willful behavior as "bad" and reacting in a
way that overpowers the child, parents can view this behavior as a healthy
positive sign of their child's development and find ways to empower the
child. From about the age of two, and at differing intervals in the
developmental process, children are individuating from their parents and the
world around them. This includes making decisions for themselves, exerting
their power and will on persons and situations, getting their own way,
declaring ownership and authority.
When parents react by overpowering children, they cause them to feel
powerless. Since all humans strive to feel powerful, the overpowered child
may react to his or her feelings of powerlessness by either fight or flight
- either giving in and letting others make all the decisions and maintain
all control or fighting to seek power through rebellious and destructive
behaviors. Parents who can shift to seeing their child's struggle for power
as a positive sign can find useful ways for the child to feel powerful and
valuable and deal with power struggles in ways that reduce fighting and
create cooperative relationships that empower both the child and the
parents.
The First Step is to Side-Step
The first step to effectively and positively deal with power struggles is to
side-step the power struggle - in other words, refuse to pick up the other
end of the rope. A mother asked her two-year-old if she was ready for a nap.
"NO" replied the child. Feeling challenged, the mother replied, "Do you want
to walk to your bed or do you want me to carry you?" "I want you to carry me
upside down and tickle me as we go."
The mother realized that the "no" was an invitation to join a power struggle
and by side-stepping it (neither fighting nor giving in) the mother created
an ending that was happy, nurturing and loving rather than hateful and
painful as nap time can often be. By side-stepping the power struggle, you
send your child the message "I am not going to fight with you. I am not
going to hurt you. I am not going to overpower you and I'm not going to give
in, either."
Choices, Not Orders
After side-stepping the power struggle, the next step is to give choices,
not orders. A father, trying to change an 18-month-olds diaper, against the
wishes of the child, offered the child a choice of which room to have the
change made. The child choose a room, but once in the room, balked again at
the diaper change. The father continued with his plan to empower the child
and asked, "Which bed?" The child pointed to a bed, the diaper was changed
and the ongoing power struggle about diaper changes was ended.
When giving children choices, parents must be sure that all choices are
acceptable. Don't give your child the choice of either sitting down quietly
or leaving the restaurant if you have no intention of leaving.
Also be sure you don't give too many "autocratic" choices. Autocratic
choices are choices are choices that are so narrow the child senses no
freedom at all. Young children benefit from having some choices narrowed,
but try to give broad and open-ended choices whenever possible.
Choices should not represent a punishment as one alternative. For example,
telling a child "You may either pick up the toys or take a time-out" creates
fear and intimidation instead of empowerment.
Find Useful Ways for your Child to be Powerful
Whenever you find yourself in the middle of a power struggle with your
child, ask yourself, "How can I give my child more power in this situation?"
One mother asked herself this question concerning an endless battle she was
having with her son about buckling his seat belt. Her solution was that she
made him boss of the seat belts - it became his job to see that everyone was
safely secured. The power struggle ended.
Do the Unexpected
One parent side-steps power struggles by announcing "let's go out for a
treat" when she feels the situation is headed for a showdown. Her purpose is
not to "reward" bad behavior, but to reestablish her relationship with her
children and keep her end goal of a close, loving and cooperative atmosphere
in mind.
Getting to Win-Win
Power struggles often feel like someone has to win and someone has to lose.
A win-win solution is where each party comes away feeling like they got what
they wanted. Getting to win-win takes negotiation. Parents can assist their
children by responding to a child's demands, "That sounds like a good way
for you to win. And I want you to win. But I want to win, too. Can you think
of a solution that works for both of us?"
Handling "NO"
Parents often have the attitude that children should not say NO to or
question authority. However, it is interesting that most of us parents buy
into the media campaign of "Just Say No." It is best to hear a child's NO as
a disagreement rather than a disrespectful response. Teach children to say
NO, or disagree, respectfully and appropriately. Keep in mind that you want
them to say NO when faced with peer pressure and inappropriate situations.
Powerlessness Creates Revenge
Children who are overpowered, or who feel powerless, will often seek to gain
power through revenge. They will seek to hurt others as they feel hurt and
will often engage in behavior that ultimately hurts themselves. Revenge at
age two and three looks like talking back and messy food spills. Revenge at
age 16 or 17 looks like drug and alcohol abuse, pregnancy, failure, running
away and suicide.
When children act out in power struggles and revengeful behavior, they are
most often feeling powerless and discouraged about a positive way to
contribute and know that their actions count. Most parents' goals are to
raise a child who becomes a self-reliant adult, can make good decisions and
has the confidence to be whatever he or she chooses. Your child will see the
future that future more clearly if you allow him or her to practice at being
powerful in useful and appropriate ways.
Karan Sims is a Redirecting Children's Behavior instructor for the
International Network for Children and Families.

INCAF Certified Instructors teach the Redirecting Children's Behavior course
year-round at schools, churches, and community centers throughout the United
States and the world. If you or your organization are interested in
scheduling a class, talk, or training session, you can contact your local
certified Instructor  <experts.html>, fill out our handy on-line Information
Request Form <form1.html>, or call toll free 1-800-257-9002.