You show great courage Yvonne. I have had a few friends die of cancer and I
must admit I ran and did some of the thingsyou and Betty mentioned and now
I am asheamed. My best friend, Paul, died of liver cancer, brought on by
Hepatitis C brrought on by IV drug use. When wrote a lot together and made
many people laugh. We wrote a paly together while he died. I acted in that
damn play and I hated it. But my memories of Paul are good ones. But it is
terrifying to see your best friend slowly slip away. I have not been really
creative since then except for CP PJ Man.

Bobby



>You're not alone, Betty. I was naive too in our "Before Time". When the
>boys were diagnosed and everything in our lives started to crumble,
>friends and family with whom we had been very close suddenly stopped
>calling or returning our calls. I didn't see this coming. After all, we
>had been there for others so assumed they would be there for us. In our
>sleep-deprived, shell-shocked, grief-ridden state it took us a while to
>catch on, so we actually called people to beg for some help - minimal
>response...
>
>Even my mother, who is the boys' only surviving grandparent, when she came
>to help (lives on the East Coast) really only helped with Robert (NDA).
>She somewhat accepted Anthony later on but only ever held Joseph a few
>times - and then mostly just to have pictures taken. She didn't even come
>to Joey's funeral. We rarely speak now and she is no longer welcome in our
>home.
>
>When the fog cleared somewhat we found that the best help came from people
>who were actually acquaintances or even strangers before. It is quite
>amazing though. The friends that populate our lives now are ALWAYS there
>for us. There are a few from the "Before Time" but most are not. But you
>know what? Those who were there for us in the disability days have stayed
>with us through the loss of Joey. I expected another mass exodus of people
>again and it didn't happen. If anything the friendship bonds were
>strengthened. Mark and I are truly blessed in so many ways.
>
>Didn't mean to ramble on...
>
>I wish your Mom peace and comfort. My thoughts and prayers are with you
>both during this difficult time. I know Ann must be a special lady to have
>raised such a wonderful and
>compassionate woman, Betty. Thank you again for your support and
>encouragement.
>
>Yvonne
>
>Mommy to 3 year-old triplets:
>Robert (NDA), Anthony (mod. spastic quad CP)
>and our angel, Joseph {April 14 /97 - Dec. 31/ 98}
>(cerebral atrophy, sev. CP, CVI, Infantile spasms, spina bifida, BPD...)
>
>>>> [log in to unmask] 05/26/00 02:01AM >>>
>In a message dated 05/25/2000 11:53:24 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
>[log in to unmask] writes:
>
><< Perhaps your Mom will move through her fear in her own way and time.
>
>She will, I think.  My Mom is a strong woman.
>
> The response of  family, friends, colleagues, and community during severe
> illness and approaching death sharpens the coda comprising human behavior
> and mystery.
>
>Indeed.  I spend days pondering these things.
>
> Betty?  Just what were and are your expectations?
>  >>
>
>Steve, before my disability I operated under the naive assumption that most
>people loved one another the way I love others myself.  I grew up near a
>cousin, Panny Clark, who had a debilitating MS progression starting in her
>early 20s.  She lived in a nursing home not far from us -- just a couple of
>miles.
>
>My parents didn't wait for holidays or special occasions to drop by for
>exactly three minutes for the "obligatory visit to the family gimp."  They
>visited with her because they loved her and they enjoyed a mutually
>beneficial family relationship.
>
>When I was older and could drive myself, I would drop in for visits on my
>own.  Panny and I would just hang our.  Sometimes we included other people
>who lived there; sometimes we just shared our own company.  She was a dynamic
>woman and I loved her very much.  I grew up with the idea that relationships
>continue, disabilities notwithstanding.  This notion was imprinted on my
>heart.  Panny is still part of my heart, even though she has been gone for a
>number of years.
>
>She mentored me, she loved me, and she acted in a sisterly way, especially
>after my own sister died.  She was about twenty years my senior, so there was
>parenting as well.  It never occurred to me that other people didn't visit
>her, except for my parents and her parents.  She never spoke of these things
>and I didn't realize this until the past couple of years.  I think of her a
>lot now.
>
>I just didn't know better Steve.  Losing my friends was the shock of my life
>-- the shock of my life.  How naive I was!  I didn't know that people did
>this.
>
>Of course, that shock is tempered now.  I have come to realize that I can
>love these people in spite of their ignorance.  They really don't know what
>they've done.  I have altered my expectations dramatically as a result of
>this first experience in my disability life.  I have a difficult time
>trusting anyone.  That may not be uncommon, even in nondisabled circles, but
>my first assumption when I meet people now is that I should not get close.  I
>am extremely guarded.
>
>With regard to my Mother, I expect that she will not be shattered as I was.
>She has been through the divorce of her first husband, and the subsequent
>loss of the friends that they knew.  I've been through that myself.  She lost
>her first-born daughter, my sister, through suicide.  That is the most
>horrible and most agonizing thing that can ever happen to a parent.  Losing
>friends over cancer will not compare in her mind.  She has already suffered
>the loss of losses, and she has never been the same.
>
>I just hate to see that her friends have not been more attentive.  She has
>nearly broken her back over the years on behalf of her DAR chapter.  Everyone
>in that chapter knows her well -- everyone.  I honestly thought that at least
>some of them would have responded to her illness with good conscience.
>
>In short, I can be terribly naive about these things.  I am learning though.
>
>
>Betty