After I sent out my valentine I went upstairs to the cafeteria, and they
were serving COLLARD GREENS!!!!  In Ohio!  Of course, they were as old as my
Grandma and had bacon instead of fatback, but collards they were!

It's finally starting, y'all!

Tomorrow, I may storm the cafeteria and hold the Cappuccino machine hostage
until these demands are met:

1)  Bagels and cream cheese will be replaced by biscuits and gravy (good
bacon sawmill gravy, none of that sausage blow you get from Bob Evans.

2)  The salad bar will be replaced by greens:  Collard, Turnip, Mustard on
alternating days.  We will have Poke Salet on Fridays.  Said greens will be
cooked in fatback and served with Trappy's hot pepper sauce.

3)  There will be okra.  This may be in gumbo, but the preference is fried
in corn meal.

4)  There will be black beans and rice.  There will be black-eyed peas.  If
there is enough rice and black-eyed peas at the end of the week, then
Hoppin' John will be served.

5)  There will be three cold drinks served:  sweet tea, Co-Cola (coke), RC
cola (with the obligatory Moon-Pie.  Grape and Orange Nehi and Dr. Pepper
(10,2,4) on special request.

6)  There will be no yams.  There will, however, be sweet taters (preferably
with brown sugar and butter).

7)  Everyone will get a daily ration of green beans, cooked in fatback until
gray (in honor of our Dixie heritage).

8)  Any food service worker putting sugar in the cornbread (for God's sake,
it's cornBREAD, not cornCAKE!) will be dealt with most severely--up to and
including watching "Martha Stewart's 'Living'"

9)  Said cornbread will be served with beans: pinto or white.  If you
prefer, you may crumble your cornbread in a tumbler of buttermilk, but it
must be eaten with a soup spoon.

10)  Tomatoes will be green and fried in corn meal.  If ripe they must be in
white bread sandwiches and eaten over the kitchen sink.

11)  You WILL take your turn at cranking the ice cream freezer.

12)  After you have eaten your fill, you may excuse yourself from the table
by loosening your belt and repeating the phrase, "Well, I believe
everybody's had enough" or "That tasted so good my tongue's about to beat my
brains out tryin' to get all the crumbs off my face".

There will be a special force sent to collect Deri from the U.K. so he may
participate in this repast.  During the trip, he will be forced to watch
episode after episode of "Two Fat Ladies" in order that his gall bladder
will be subliminally prepared for "fat shock".

Cardiologists and Thoracic Surgeons will be on call in the anteroom for the
odd required bypass procedure.  Electronic Cardio-version units will replace
all table centerpieces.

Think it'll work?

-Kyle