Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Kids
By Jan Hunt, M.Sc.
In Norway and Sweden, it is illegal for a parent, teacher, or anyone else to
spank a child. In some states and provinces, it is only illegal for a
teacher to spank. In all areas of North America, physical punishment by a
parent, as long as it is not severe, is still seen by many as necessary
discipline, and condoned, or even encouraged.
For the past several years, many psychiatrists, sociological researchers,
and parents have recommended that we seriously consider banning the physical
punishment of children. The most important reason, according to Dr. Peter
Newell, coordinator of the organization End Punishment of Children (EPOCH)1,
is that "all people have the right to protection of their physical
integrity, and children are people too."2
1. Hitting children teaches them to become hitters themselves. Extensive
research data is now available to support a direct correlation between
corporal punishment in childhood and aggressive or violent behavior in the
teenage and adult years. Virtually all of the most dangerous criminals were
regularly threatened and punished in childhood. It is nature's plan that
children learn attitudes and behaviors through observation and imitation of
their parents' actions, for good or ill. Thus it is the responsibility of
parents to set an example of empathy and wisdom.
2. In many cases of so-called "bad behavior", the child is simply responding
in the only way he can, given his age and experience, to neglect of basic
needs. Among these needs are: proper sleep and nutrition, treatment of
hidden allergy, fresh air, exercise, and sufficient freedom to explore the
world around him. But his greatest need is for his parents' undivided
attention. In these busy times, few children receive sufficient time and
attention from their parents, who are often too distracted by their own
problems and worries to treat their children with patience and empathy. It
is surely wrong and unfair to punish a child for responding in a natural way
to having important needs neglected. For this reason, punishment is not only
ineffective in the long run, it is also clearly unjust.
3. Punishment distracts the child from learning how to resolve conflict in
an effective and humane way. As the educator John Holt wrote, "When we make
a child afraid, we stop learning dead in its tracks." A punished child
becomes preoccupied with feelings of anger and fantasies of revenge, and is
thus deprived of the opportunity to learn more effective methods of solving
the problem at hand. Thus, a punished child learns little about how to
handle or prevent similar situations in the future.
4. "Spare the rod and spoil the child", though much quoted, is in fact a
misinterpretation of Biblical teaching. While the "rod" is mentioned many
times in the Bible, it is only in the Book of Proverbs that this word is
used in connection with parenting. In fact, King Solomon's harsh methods of
discipline led his own son, Rehoboam, to become a tyrannical and oppressive
dictator who only narrowly escaped being stoned to death for his cruelty. In
the Bible there is no support for harsh discipline outside of Solomon's
Proverbs. Jesus saw children as being close to God, and urged love, never
punishment.3
5. Punishment interferes with the bond between parent and child, as it is
not human nature to feel loving toward someone who hurts us. The true spirit
of cooperation which every parent desires can arise only through a strong
bond based on mutual feelings of love and respect. Punishment, even when it
appears to work, can produce only superficially good behavior based on fear,
which can only take place until the child is old enough to resist. In
contrast, cooperation based on respect will last permanently, bringing many
years of mutual happiness as the child and parent grow older.
6. Many parents never learned in their own childhood that there are positive
ways of relating to children. When punishment does not accomplish the
desired goals, and if the parent is unaware of alternative methods,
punishment can escalate to more frequent and dangerous actions against the
child.
7. Anger and frustration which cannot be safely expressed by a child become
stored inside; angry teenagers do not fall from the sky. Anger that has been
accumulating for many years can come as a shock to parents whose child now
feels strong enough to express this rage. Punishment may appear to produce
"good behavior" in the early years, but always at a high price, paid by
parents and by society as a whole, as the child enters adolescence and early
adulthood.
8. Spanking on the buttocks, an erogenous zone in childhood, can create in
the child's mind an association between pain and sexual pleasure, and lead
to difficulties in adulthood. "Spanking wanted" ads in alternative
newspapers attest to the sad consequences of this confusion of pain and
pleasure. If a child receives little parental attention except when being
punished, this will further merge the concepts of pain and pleasure in the
child's mind. A child in this situation will have little self-esteem,
believing he deserves nothing better. For more on this topic, see "The
Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children".
Even relatively moderate spanking can be physically dangerous. Blows to the
lower end of the spinal column send shock waves along the length of the
spine, and may injure the child. The prevalence of lower back pain among
adults in our society may well have its origins in childhood punishment.
Some children have become paralyzed through nerve damage from spanking, and
some have died after mild paddlings, due to undiagnosed medical
complications.
9. Physical punishment gives the dangerous and unfair message that "might
makes right", that it is permissible to hurt someone else, provided they are
smaller and less powerful than you are. The child then concludes that it is
permissible to mistreat younger or smaller children. When he becomes an
adult, he can feel little compassion for those less fortunate than he is,
and fears those who are more powerful. This will hinder the establishment of
meaningful relationships so essential to an emotionally fulfilling life.
10. Because children learn through parental modeling, physical punishment
gives the message that hitting is an appropriate way to express feelings and
to solve problems. If a child does not observe a parent solving problems in
a creative and humane way, it can be difficult for him to learn to do this
himself. For this reason, unskilled parenting often continues into the next
generation.
Gentle instruction, supported by a strong foundation of love and respect, is
the only truly effective way to bring about commendable behavior based on
strong inner values, instead of superficially "good" behavior based only on
fear.
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Footnotes
1 EPOCH Worldwide, 77 Holloway Road, London N78JZ UK
2 Personal communication.
3 End Violence Against the Next Generation (EVAN-G), 977 Keeler Avenue,
Berkeley, CA 94708, USA.
Note: An earlier version of this article appeared as Appendix D in Alice
Miller's book Breaking Down the Wall of Silence (New York: Dutton, 1991).
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References
a.. Project NoSpank
b.. The No Spanking Page
c.. Alice Miller Library
d.. Books by Alice Miller
e.. "Every Smack is a Humiliation - A Manifesto" by Alice Miller, Ph.D.
f.. "The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children" by Tom Johnson
g.. "The Influence of Corporal Punishment on Crime" By Adah Maurer, Ph.D.
and James S. Wallerstein
h.. "The Bible and the Rod" By Adah Maurer, Ph.D. and James S. Wallerstein
i.. "Spanking and the Wall of Silence" (excerpt from Breaking Down the
Wall of Silence by Alice Miller)
j.. "Hitting people is wrong - and children are people too" by EPOCH staff
k.. "John Bradshaw on Spanking" (Excerpt from "The Bradshaw Connection")
l.. "Spanking: a shortcut to nowhere." by Penelope Leach, Ph.D.
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