On Sunday 07 Apr 2002 4:33 am, Betty B wrote:
> In a message dated 4/6/2002 3:48:58 PM Eastern Standard Time,
>
> [log in to unmask] writes:
> > We all love Betty. She's definitely one of us., and her view of
> > the world (as someone who has been steadily moving from abled to
> > the "dis" world), has opened my eyes on more than one occasion.
> >
> > Cheers
> >
> > Deri
>
> I'm honored Deri, thank you.  That's what I say about you too.  My
> eyes have been opened about many things.  There are so much I never
> though about before.  I'm not talking about disability issues,
> necessarily, as much as general topics that come up on the list.
>
> It's about disability and loss too though.  I'm so fiercely
> independent.  I have not taken these losses as well as I would like
> the world to believe.  I want to be in a fire again, I want to know
> that again, but it's over and I hate that it's over.

Change is natural, but sometimes hard to accept. It must be like an
athlete who at the end of a career (where he/she has sacrifiiced so
much to get to that pinnaccle) finds it so hard to accept the change.
In spades in your case though.

> Now, when somebody treats me like an idiot I want to pound them
> into the ground.  It's usually somebody who doesn't know jack about
> life too, isn't it?  "Where the hell were you when I was doing CPR
> on a dead kid with his Mom looking on, and we all knew he was dead
> but did it all right so she wouldn't have to wonder later if
> everything that could have been done had been done?" Things like
> that change you forever.  Too many things like that and there's
> nobody but fireman you even want to talk with anymore.  I want to
> scream things like that to people who see me now and think those
> stupid things you all know they think.  There have been times when
> I've actually wanted to do violence.  I went nuts over that long
> term friend who started treating me like a child.  "Now honey (the
> way and in the voice you would use to correct a temperamental
> child's bad behavior), lecture, lecture, lecture."  Now honey?  NOW
> HONEY?  F*CK YOU!

The only mental defence to this is humour. You split the world into
the few who know and understand you and the majority who don't, so it
doesn't matter what they think of you and you can internally laugh at
their ignorance. Why this instance has hurt is because she is an old
friend so you would assume she would be in the first group, she isn't
- put her in the second.

> That's when I could come here.  Make no mistake, you've done some
> parenting with me.  For all I know, you've kept me out of jail.
> Without a doubt, you've kept me out of the nuthouse.
>
> It's hard to be physically vulnerable and have to deal with people
> like that, the whole system and everything.  This is taking a lot
> more self discipline than the fire department ever took.  That was
> about knowing that you one day might have to die in horrible
> circumstances, but people look up to you for the most part.  At
> least, nobody ever tried to do an exorcism on me to rid me of the
> demon of firefighting.

I didn't have to look far for the humour in that!! While in the
middle of situations like that - its no good expressing outrage or
anger, people just assume you're a bitter twisted crip, rather than
think you've got every right to be pissed off.

> This is about living well in sometimes horrible circumstances,
> without most people realizing that it's not your disability that
> makes life hard as much as it is the way the world is constructed.
> This is a lot harder.  Keeping your dignity like this is a hell of
> a lot harder.  You all do it damned well, and I'm more grateful to
> each of you than I know how to say for helping me through this.
>
> I was just playing at life before, but this is the real thing.
>
> Betty

Cheers

Deri